Whatever Side You Sleep On

November 18, 2014 § Leave a comment

I used to not have a side of the bed. For a good portion of my life I just slept like an X in the middle, arms and legs akimbo, like I the finalist for a contest of how much space I could take up per body dimensions. I would have won, btw. When Mister Red and I began having adult sleepovers on a regular rotation neither of us stated claim to pillow top surface area. There were no real estate negotiations, we eased in to our respective sides naturally. Occasionally, we switch. Mostly to correct shoulder issues from poor sleeping patterns, but we always go back. It never feels right on the other side, and all my stuff lives on the nightstand to the right anyway. It’s too much work to commit to a change.

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Growing up mostly an only child, not really touchy feely, or having sorority sisters, I hated sleeping next to people. Frankly, I needed my space. I remember my first visit to a college party. My dear friend let me pass out on the bed, while he slept on the floor. Sure he probably wanted to get in my pants that night, but took into account that I’d possibly punch him in my sleep. That and he knew how to play his gentleman card.

The only time I felt the sting of the cold side of the bed was when I parted ways with a long time boyfriend who wasn’t great at sharing anything. For the first week or so I couldn’t even sleep in the bed. I favored the couch and slept at friend’s house. Eventually I went back to sleeping in the middle and loving it. Until, of course, Red came along.

We’ve been spooning for four years now, sometimes on the couch. It always seems like we’ve been together longer compared to my other relationships. It actually feels like forever. He knows too much about me and has become very adept at outsmarting me for my own good. The last four years have been so long. Father time must be slacking.

You know why it feels like we’ve been sharing a bed for forever? I actually like him. Those other fools I had slept next to with for two or three years at a time, I’ve blocked out whole months with them. Those relationships seem short because I don’t care to remember a lot about those relationships. Essentially, I’ve made those beds, and even if I can’t get anyone to buy the mattress on craigslist, I’m still moving on.

There is only so much room in my head. It’s like when your bedmate hogs the covers. My memory is like the covers, I’m choosing to cover only what is important, there isn’t enough blanket for the rest. I used to think it was a bad thing that my relationship with Red seemed unusually longer than it was. Now I realize it’s because I want a future with him. I’m snuggling up every detail of our time together in my blanket because it’s paramount in holding stock in our relationship. Not to mention, heat.

I’m not worried about our nuptials sentencing us as bedfellows for life. Of course he snores on his back, who doesn’t? Sure, he elbows me sometimes in his sleep but it’s never left a mark. I think we’ve been sharing a queen (a bed, not a dude from West Hollywood in stilettos), side by side for so long that the shock of marriage might be lost on me. I’ve already bought the mattress. I know I’m probably going to have to flip it every now and again, but it has a pretty solid warrantee.

I see a lot of women holding their wedding day up like it’s their last day to experience joy. Sure there is the whole child baring thing that factors into it, but if you play your cards right the wedding won’t be the last of your shenanigans before you’re preggo. There is no impending doom that comes after ‘I Do’ unless you haven’t been brutally honest with each other.

Whatever side you sleep on, know who you’re sleeping next too and love them even if they snore. Use your blanket to hold in the heat of your passion. Don’t try to cover lovers of the past, they can’t possibly fit in the blanket burrito of love.

Furthermore, relationships are full of cooperation, and yes even compromise. Do your share of bed making, and talk openly about bedtime habits. Apparently, 1 in 10 couples argues about about what side of the bed they sleep on. Really? This would be the worst excuse for a break up ever. Adapt.

 

A Bit About Beards

November 11, 2014 § 1 Comment

I love a good beard. There is something about rugged handsomeness that really does it for me. I’ll admit to being a little picky, I’m like goldilocks when it comes to whiskers: not overgrown, not patchy, juuust right. It’s all about the trimmed beard. He doesn’t have to sport one all the time, but he does have to be able to actually grow one. That’s the mark of a real man, facial hair. If you saw a third grader with a mustache you wouldn’t think twice about offering him a beer. As an aspiring cougar myself, I find peace in knowing that the difference between peach fuzz and a five o’clock shadow is about 10 years. While I can’t even imagine having a bush like that on my own face, I love my guy to have some scruff.

My father has a full beard. Some how it has been instilled in my mind that this is the sign of a good man, despite loathing it while I was growing up. It was all scratchy and would scrape my cheek when I got close. This cut down on the cuddle factor for a daddy’s girl. When I was about eight years old he challenged me: if he shaved his beard I had to give him one hundred kisses. I certainly had never seen him without a beard in all my life, and I don’t think his cheeks or chin had seen the light of day since he could grow one. We’re talkin’ at least 15 years of beard. In an effort to insure he still received goodnight kisses from his little girl, he shaved it all off. I waited, anxiously dancing around my mother while he unveiled his face behind closed doors. I was excited and optimistic; a lot of my friend’s fathers were clean-shaven, it seemed more normal to have a dad who took a razor to his skin every morning.

When he finally revealed himself I stood there shocked. For the first time, I saw with my own eyes, my father’s face: bare, beardless. I burst into tears. This was not my dad. “Put it back on!” I cried. Of course he and my mother had a good laugh at this. My mom kissed him on the cheek to show me it was okay. It was not okay. Not in my book. I wanted to erase all my complaints and have my dad back. And so it began, my end of the bargain. I posted myself at his side and started planting wet ones on his cheek. I counted through the tears. He was a stranger, I was kissing a stranger! I calmed down when I reached about 30, but then got upset again around 60 or 70. Whoever this guy was, I did not trust him. Over the next few days, I braved the stubble and fulfilled my debt. My parents still get a kick out of this story to date and giggle about the fact that I haven’t dated a guy without facial hair since middle school. Clearly this experience left me scarred.

Needless to say, I’m quite partial to beards. I’m pretty weary of any guy with a goatee. Even though I had the biggest crush on my high school geometry teacher who sported the fashion. It was more about his khaki Dockers then it was his facial hair. The goatee and the chinstrap are one in the same, both just trying too hard to be something their not. Like Diet Dr. Pepper and leg warmers. Mustaches get mixed reviews: from the classic pedophile and Hitler to Tom Selleck and Hulk Hogan. The mere idea of a dirty Sanchez or a mustache ride is a bit unsavory.  But then there’s the goodstaches, like Einstein and Ned Flanders, both reputable enthusiasts.  It’s not the ‘stache but the man behind it. I also find there to be something reptilian about a soul patch. Keeping in mind that the redneck version of a soul patch is called a flavor saver and/or more immaturely, the landing strip.  You also have to be cautious of the haircut that accompanies the facial styling. The goatee paired with a mullet is like a princess at a pawnshop or when Brittney Spears walked into that public restroom without any shoes.

Although every woman has her own pallet for whisker fashion, there is one thing to be asked of all you men. Please, please, when your done styling, trimming, shaving, primping, will you make sure you clean up after yourself? There is nothing worse then bending down to spit out your toothpaste and coming inches from yesterday’s stubble. It looks like pubes. It’s gross.

This is not to say that any guy who takes a buzzer to his face every day shouldn’t be trusted, perhaps it’s the ritual he enjoys or a metaphor for shedding the day before. I just have an affinity for the lumberjack-type. I have also noticed a recent fondness for red beards. Upon further research, I might be the only woman on the planet who prefers this. I love a ginger with trimmed scruff. I can’t help myself, must be my Irish blood. However I must generalize, I bet beards are a lot like boobs. You want someone who’s stacked.

Dress Discovery

November 4, 2014 § Leave a comment

There are the occasional moments in my life when I’ve stomped my foot and said, “well, I don’t care what you think, I’m wearing it anyway.” Prom is a good example of this. 2 piece, lime green, white girl with corn rolls. 10153032_843993412284725_1858851061_nOr that Christmas when I was 10 and HAD to wear a pantsuit. Another being a college freshman purchase of the most outrageous mary jane platforms. They added seven inches of glory underneath my extreme flared jeans and became a go-to until I moved to Boston. Cartoon footwear doesn’t do well on cobble stone. Selecting my wedding dress is proving to be another such occasion.

Sure I took the online test even though I already knew what I liked. I wanted to be certain I wasn’t missing anything wonderful. Of course I get the label of death: non-traditional and unique. Personally, I was hoping to find a dress that I can later wear to the Emmy’s. You never know when an award show can creep up on you. What’s a girl without a gown? Always BTP (black tie prepared).

First Stop, disappointment. My mother and I trudged to a Labor Day sale in an Armenian neighborhood in LA. I didn’t watch enough episodes of  ‘Say Yes To the Dress’ to know where I was supposed to start. A nice young girl pulled some drapey dresses. In a room with my mother, I stripped in front of them both. Topless and sporting a thong I stepped into the first number. Good thing I lift weights because this thing was easily 20lbs. Insert new word into description: light-weight. No one tells you how heavy these things are and no one tells you to leave your modesty at the door.

I stood nearly naked avoiding eye contact as the sales woman readied the second dress. I tried not to look at my stomach jiggle in the three way mirror as a climbed into a mermaid cut. My thighs glued themselves together from the knees up with the quick formation of sweat. “This is how it fits. I would order you this size.” My jaw dropped. But I can’t walk! I definitely can’t sit down. Second thing to add: must be able to sit.

As I kept on telling her, light weight, less fabric, the mountain of dress I was stepping into shrunk. The lightest dress in the store was still five layers of fabric with a four foot train. There is never a reason to wear five layers of dress in the summer. The sales woman let us loose in the store to look for ourselves. Ball gowns with vagina shaped bows costing over six grand assaulted my eyes. The picture of my dream dress began to focus up: little to no flowers, little to no lace, pearls are not me, no vagina bows.

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With a refined pallet, we headed to Beverly Hills for excursion #2. This time I brought a friend who gets me. We got champagne at this place, it was classy. You don’t go to Beverly Hills for nothing. The salesperson was fun and whimsical, and encouraged me to try on everything to see what I liked. Non-traditional, unique, light weight, not a lot of flower, not a lot of lace danceable, sitable dress. I narrowed it down to 2 and a half. The fabric was still heavy, but I could sit. However, the sample size was too big. Even with the industrial sized construction clips holding my ladies in, I couldn’t get a good read on the fit. Fortunately they had the same dress in red, in my size. Upon zip up and suck in, my thighs were welded together with perspiration. “The mermaid cut isn’t for comfort, it’s for drama,” I was informed. I usually I do not care for drama. I am not a mermaid. I like dancing on land. Lesson for this trip: sheath is my magic cut.

Deciding that my nontraditional ways were leading me away from the traditional bridal shops, our next stop was to the grand department store: Needless Markups. You know the one. Up five levels to the evening wear section, I found her, in navy blue. She was amazing. Everything I wanted. drippy, structured, sweetheart, sheath, no flowers, no lace, and for a cool eight grand I could dis-invite 70% of the guest list and order it in ivory.

Back to the drawing board in yet another bridal shop in Beverly Hills, I got my first feels. My mother and my dear friend had been tearing up every time I had a veil on, but I was too concerned about my ability to sit to be thinking about being a bride and it being an epic life moment. This incredible dress, and with the glitz in all the right places, I started to leak from my eyeballs. I was going to marry him. I was going to get all dressed up like the stuff of cake toppers and become a wife. So. Many. Feels.

As I stood there feeling feelings, one of the salespeople leveled with me. She was a tall horse faced black woman unafraid to tell the truth even if it cost her the sale. “You didn’t come in here ugly. That’s all I’m going to say.”

“What?” I was confused. Was the dress making me ugly?

“You didn’t come in here ugly. A lot of dresses you try on are going to look good on you. I see girls who want something they have no business putting on.” And with that she reclipped the dress tighter and my armpit fat spilled a little over the side. “That’s how this is supposed to fit, girl. You still love it?”

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At that moment with my thighs sealed together and the embellishment poking my ribcage from the outside in, I didn’t really like the dress anymore. It’s an important thing to remember that wifey feels do not equal dress dollars. The dress I had on was five grand. As my mother tried to refinance her car in her head, I came to my senses and put the kibosh on that nonsense.

Forward ho to the sample store. Designer dresses 30-70% off, yes please. This place was far less pressure. Me and my crew scoured the racks for try-ons. If it didn’t fit, forget it. That’s the thing with samples, it’s as is, you break it you buy it. Take if off the rack that day. No ordering. No returns. After the first few didn’t work, the southern sales lady pulled out a light silky sheath that fit like a glove and felt like a nightgown. I could actually walk, sit, spin, do the splits. Nontraditional, unique, No flowers, no lace, just right. I had a little bit of feels and pulled the trigger knowing it would need some jazzing up from a good seamstress. No turning back now.

It was anti-climatic saying yes to the dress, but it’s really not about the dress. It’s about matrimony, folks, like love and shit. Why are people so interested in what I’m wearing? Only people stalking you on Facebook care about what your dress looks like. So what if I don’t even look like that bride on top of the cake or in the magazine? I don’t care what any of them think, I’m wearing it anyway… all wife-like in my own way.

 

Randoms Acts of Memory

October 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Every once in a while I go through my notes. Sometimes I have an idea or thought that I think will one day make a good topic to write about. Sadly, most of these are just thoughts that belong on twitter. However, instead of cramming them on twitter, I rather just lump them all together as food for thought in one post that doesn’t connect cohesively at all. Such is life. So here are a few things I’ve been thinking about lately.

  • All I gotta say is… I should be showered in the finest red wine before I get my teeth whitened. If I’m going to put money in a treatment  I should maintain for any length of time, abstaining from red wine, coffee and other stain prone elements, I’ll be sure to indulge as much as possible before hand. I certainly think that changing my lifestyle in the name of vanity is ridiculous, however, I contemplate this on a daily basis. Fried food gives me a stomach ache. Poor example. Chocolate, however, adds to my waist line. Lesson: Before you crash diet you eat all the things you love. Before you bleach your teeth, you drink the best cabernet you can find.
  • People don’t say, “all that and a bag of chips,” anymore. Is that because of the paleo diet.
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  • Every husband was a boyfriend once. Right? If you are lucky, that person won’t morph too much after the label has changed. It’s not like you get married and upon retuning from the honeymoon he grows a beer gut overnight, loses his hair, enjoys pink frosted donuts and duff beer. Congratulations you have your brand new Homer.
  • I’ve been hearing people calling their unwed long time companions: partners. Confusing, right? If you are in a heterosexual relationship, you have a boyfriend. It’s totally a grey area, yes, but lets not encroach on the gay’s lingo. They are still fighting for equality. When someone who really wants to know about your relationship status they will inquire about the length of your relationship. If it’s over 2 years, shit’s pretty serious. No need to add the flowery synonyms. It’s all just labels anyway, neutralizing everyone so we are relatable to each other. Modern relationships are each uniquely their own. I mean, in 6 months the man I live with won’t be anymore my husband than he was 2 years ago. Except  for the legal document.
  • This is something I didn’t have to deal with as a single person that I fear might be a growing concern out there in the dating world: how long after sex do you wait to check your cell phone? Someone single explain this to me.
  • At a certain point in life you just got to give in and admit that your thighs are going to be the size that they want.
  • The dine in movie theaters are set up like hospital beds. You lounge,, people bring you sub-par food, you eat off of a tray laying down. When you are done simply move the tray away. Lie back, doze off. Best $18 nap ever. When’s the next time I can check into this clinic?
  • Pregnant brain is possibly a real thing. I remember the first time I was a casualty of pregnant brain. This woman decided I parked poorly, even though I was inside the lines and she parked her SUV in a compact spot. She was so irritated, she took the time to write a note and leave it on my car. In her ledger she mentioned that she was pregnant and I did not leave her enough room to exit her vehicle. First, never has an obese person ever left a message like this one someone’s windshield. They know it’s their fault for parking there, that’s why they get the handicapped stickers when they don’t really need them. Second, find a different parking spot, you crazy baby brain!
  • How much zucchini is too much zucchini? Not in the phallic sense, but literally. Can I OD on summer squash?Zucchini-Squash-Genitalia
  • Somedays I’m on the mission to be as adorable as possible. Other days, I completely give up and eat chocolate chips out of the bag instead of using them to make cookies for my friends. It’s a fine line.
  • 80s and 90s movies really hold up. They remind me of a low fat time when carbs were king and brown lipstick ruled. Not to mention the contemplative thoughts one can have without a cell phone to check.
  • I hate the term “foodie”. What qualifies you as a foodie? Who do I have to follow on instagram to become one? Is it contagious? If I accidentally, in a moment of a drunken hunger emergency, eat at In N Out, does that get me kicked out of the club? Is is mandatory I take pictures of my food? What if I hate olives? Can’t I just like good food and not be a foodie?

I hope you enjoyed the thoughts for today. Please come back again next week for another edition of The Internet Bachelorette (ahmen) The Internet Bride To Be, where I will cohesively rant about another absurd element of wedding planning.

 

Pumpkin Spice Lattes… PSL

October 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

I really do adore Autumn. October is a pretty solid month. I enjoy the fall produce and taking part in Halloween activities. I like feeling the season change on my skin, and the Indian summer easing the chill upon us. It’s everyone else that’s really ruining things for me.

Yes, believe it. It’s October, the month that waits for no one. Why does October always seem to surprise people? Every year, “Can you believe it’s already October?!” Yes and what other month did you think came after September? October is a month made for annoying girls exclaiming stupid things. All month it’s idiocy. I blame pumpkin spice. It’s a drug for sure. The only thing I like pumpkin spice in is pie. I must be alien.

Fortunately for the boys, Football Season, Baseball Playoffs, Basketball Preseason and saving the ta-tas have the males pretty much distracted, the height of the fall ditziness goes unnoticed.

“I just love fall, gush, the colors.”

“I’m so excited to wear boots!”

“Pink, for promoting Breast Cancer.” And let me take this opportunity to remind you to think before you say things.

“We should totally go to that haunted maze, I can wear my new sweater!” 

Ugh, he didn’t get me anything for Sweetest’s Day.”

“I’m trying to hint diamond earrings for christmas.”

“Get me a grande skinny pumpkin spice latte with two splendas… You’re the best! Thank ewe!”

“I’m working out  a lot this month so I can look hot in my halloween costume. It’s like a corset top and like these boots that go over the knee, super cute and not slutty at all.”

If I read one more Facebook status involving someone’s first pumpkin latte of the season, I might have to go punch a jack-o-lantern. Really, Starbucks? I can’t believe that many people are letting a corporate coffee house mark the moment they feel the autumnal spirit for the first time. Not to mention, who the fuck cares that you paid twice the price for a latte with several squirts of pumpkin sugar? Donate last seasons designer jacket to even out your karma. Fall really is great, sure, happy about it. The seasons, they need to change, I just don’t think I’d mark it with with a prefab mix prepared by a local hipster.

Which brings me to my next point. Fall really brings out the hipsters. Their cut-off skinny jeans and barely-there tanks really had them incognito during the summer, but as soon as the wind changes, out come the skinny jeans, combat boots and bad attitudes. My internet has been out, so I’ve been frequenting coffee shops to get work done, right at the fountain of the hipsters’ life-blood. I wouldn’t even ask a hipster to watch my computer while I go to the bathroom. I’ll pack it all up and lose my seat next to the outlet before I ask hipster enjoying their organic air. It’s scary movie season… not only would they fall pale at a thief, they are too busy planning multimedia art instillation based on Paranormal Activity 4.

And there is nothing I can’t stand more than a hipster with a pumpkin spice latte. I can’t even go there. Hating the establishment, dressing like they are homeless and purchasing marked up liquid flavoring with a shot of espresso and warm milk. Suddenly I’m reminded of the upcoming election as I gripe about the unfortunate beings we share this great country with. Maybe they will be too busy with October they won’t register to vote.

Two years ago I crafted this post, with midterms coming up and Pumpkin Spiced Candles in full force, it’s all relevant. Hope you enjoy the throwback. New one for next week!

 

XO Jane Article

October 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Raise a glass! Just got an article published on xojane.com.

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Hope you enjoy the fodder. Please leave a comment if you want!

Not One of THOSE Brides

September 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

No, I’m not going to be one of those brides. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones in that Cosmo article that you read before you found “the one” because you just couldn’t stomach another one of your friend’s showing off their bling all over Facebook. That jezebel article that you “stumbled upon” the 7th time you were asked to be a bridesmaid in one year. The girls who hashtag “blessed” or “luckiest girl in the world” or “love him” incessantly  (26.2 million instagram tags, precisely). We get it, he’s #thebest.

These are little girlfriend-zillas and once they have a ring on it (#helikeditsoheputaringonit) mature into bridezillas. These people make their bridesmaids give up their trendy pixie cuts and get spray tans. These are the ladies who buy $12,000 dresses, then trash it for a photo shoot. These are the women who throw tantrums until their father’s hand over credit cards. You might have seen some of these on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. These girls are batshit. Batshit without a budget.

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Good news! If you have a budget, you are a normal bride who’s not annoying everyone around her. Unless you keep saying “We”. We really think hot pink flowers for centerpieces. We think the ring bearer should wear a sign that says ring security. We think bachelor parties are tacky. Said no man EVER. Don’t insert him into these worries unless it’s a little more believable.

Other things that annoy people: Thinking you’re a princess. Play by play wedding planning on Facebook. Countdowns until you marry your best friend. Posting boudoir shots you got him for xmas. Ring pic as a profile pic. A ring pic every time you “still can’t believe it.” Actually ring pics in general. Arguing with your mother in public places. Yelling/screaming excitedly about various states of planning. Always changing the topic back to your wedding (especially when no one else is asking). Mandatory expenses for wedding, shower, bachelorette parties with threat of kicking you off the wedding party or invite list (these people exist!). You think everyone cares about the color of your nails on “the day.” You’re pretty wrapped up in it all and forget that there are real problems out there.

Disclaimer: If love is a battlefield, I am a war zone journalist. On that note, wedding planning is like freaking Vietnam. So, please understand me when I say I’m not one of those brides (I did post a ring pic, but #sorrynotsorry). This is a freakish industry. I know I have only just hit the tip of the iceberg here, but I have so many thoughts about all this wedding crap and I can’t keep them to myself. There are so many things people don’t tell you about this stuff. So much I wasn’t prepared for. In an effort to spare and prepare you, or for you to later commiserate about your own wedding planning process, I will proceed to create content around this absurd ritual that doesn’t really work for 55% of couples. Get it now? I’m not one of those brides, I’m that kind of bride.

***If you aren’t interested in my humor on the subject, don’t worry, it’s a short engagement. But I will have to figure out what the hell to call this blog when I’m married. Clearly, I didn’t plan for this otherwise I would have gave myself a more versatile url.

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