Randoms Acts of Memory

October 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Every once in a while I go through my notes. Sometimes I have an idea or thought that I think will one day make a good topic to write about. Sadly, most of these are just thoughts that belong on twitter. However, instead of cramming them on twitter, I rather just lump them all together as food for thought in one post that doesn’t connect cohesively at all. Such is life. So here are a few things I’ve been thinking about lately.

  • All I gotta say is… I should be showered in the finest red wine before I get my teeth whitened. If I’m going to put money in a treatment  I should maintain for any length of time, abstaining from red wine, coffee and other stain prone elements, I’ll be sure to indulge as much as possible before hand. I certainly think that changing my lifestyle in the name of vanity is ridiculous, however, I contemplate this on a daily basis. Fried food gives me a stomach ache. Poor example. Chocolate, however, adds to my waist line. Lesson: Before you crash diet you eat all the things you love. Before you bleach your teeth, you drink the best cabernet you can find.
  • People don’t say, “all that and a bag of chips,” anymore. Is that because of the paleo diet.
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  • Every husband was a boyfriend once. Right? If you are lucky, that person won’t morph too much after the label has changed. It’s not like you get married and upon retuning from the honeymoon he grows a beer gut overnight, loses his hair, enjoys pink frosted donuts and duff beer. Congratulations you have your brand new Homer.
  • I’ve been hearing people calling their unwed long time companions: partners. Confusing, right? If you are in a heterosexual relationship, you have a boyfriend. It’s totally a grey area, yes, but lets not encroach on the gay’s lingo. They are still fighting for equality. When someone who really wants to know about your relationship status they will inquire about the length of your relationship. If it’s over 2 years, shit’s pretty serious. No need to add the flowery synonyms. It’s all just labels anyway, neutralizing everyone so we are relatable to each other. Modern relationships are each uniquely their own. I mean, in 6 months the man I live with won’t be anymore my husband than he was 2 years ago. Except  for the legal document.
  • This is something I didn’t have to deal with as a single person that I fear might be a growing concern out there in the dating world: how long after sex do you wait to check your cell phone? Someone single explain this to me.
  • At a certain point in life you just got to give in and admit that your thighs are going to be the size that they want.
  • The dine in movie theaters are set up like hospital beds. You lounge,, people bring you sub-par food, you eat off of a tray laying down. When you are done simply move the tray away. Lie back, doze off. Best $18 nap ever. When’s the next time I can check into this clinic?
  • Pregnant brain is possibly a real thing. I remember the first time I was a casualty of pregnant brain. This woman decided I parked poorly, even though I was inside the lines and she parked her SUV in a compact spot. She was so irritated, she took the time to write a note and leave it on my car. In her ledger she mentioned that she was pregnant and I did not leave her enough room to exit her vehicle. First, never has an obese person ever left a message like this one someone’s windshield. They know it’s their fault for parking there, that’s why they get the handicapped stickers when they don’t really need them. Second, find a different parking spot, you crazy baby brain!
  • How much zucchini is too much zucchini? Not in the phallic sense, but literally. Can I OD on summer squash?Zucchini-Squash-Genitalia
  • Somedays I’m on the mission to be as adorable as possible. Other days, I completely give up and eat chocolate chips out of the bag instead of using them to make cookies for my friends. It’s a fine line.
  • 80s and 90s movies really hold up. They remind me of a low fat time when carbs were king and brown lipstick ruled. Not to mention the contemplative thoughts one can have without a cell phone to check.
  • I hate the term “foodie”. What qualifies you as a foodie? Who do I have to follow on instagram to become one? Is it contagious? If I accidentally, in a moment of a drunken hunger emergency, eat at In N Out, does that get me kicked out of the club? Is is mandatory I take pictures of my food? What if I hate olives? Can’t I just like good food and not be a foodie?

I hope you enjoyed the thoughts for today. Please come back again next week for another edition of The Internet Bachelorette (ahmen) The Internet Bride To Be, where I will cohesively rant about another absurd element of wedding planning.

 

Pumpkin Spice Lattes… PSL

October 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

I really do adore Autumn. October is a pretty solid month. I enjoy the fall produce and taking part in Halloween activities. I like feeling the season change on my skin, and the Indian summer easing the chill upon us. It’s everyone else that’s really ruining things for me.

Yes, believe it. It’s October, the month that waits for no one. Why does October always seem to surprise people? Every year, “Can you believe it’s already October?!” Yes and what other month did you think came after September? October is a month made for annoying girls exclaiming stupid things. All month it’s idiocy. I blame pumpkin spice. It’s a drug for sure. The only thing I like pumpkin spice in is pie. I must be alien.

Fortunately for the boys, Football Season, Baseball Playoffs, Basketball Preseason and saving the ta-tas have the males pretty much distracted, the height of the fall ditziness goes unnoticed.

“I just love fall, gush, the colors.”

“I’m so excited to wear boots!”

“Pink, for promoting Breast Cancer.” And let me take this opportunity to remind you to think before you say things.

“We should totally go to that haunted maze, I can wear my new sweater!” 

Ugh, he didn’t get me anything for Sweetest’s Day.”

“I’m trying to hint diamond earrings for christmas.”

“Get me a grande skinny pumpkin spice latte with two splendas… You’re the best! Thank ewe!”

“I’m working out  a lot this month so I can look hot in my halloween costume. It’s like a corset top and like these boots that go over the knee, super cute and not slutty at all.”

If I read one more Facebook status involving someone’s first pumpkin latte of the season, I might have to go punch a jack-o-lantern. Really, Starbucks? I can’t believe that many people are letting a corporate coffee house mark the moment they feel the autumnal spirit for the first time. Not to mention, who the fuck cares that you paid twice the price for a latte with several squirts of pumpkin sugar? Donate last seasons designer jacket to even out your karma. Fall really is great, sure, happy about it. The seasons, they need to change, I just don’t think I’d mark it with with a prefab mix prepared by a local hipster.

Which brings me to my next point. Fall really brings out the hipsters. Their cut-off skinny jeans and barely-there tanks really had them incognito during the summer, but as soon as the wind changes, out come the skinny jeans, combat boots and bad attitudes. My internet has been out, so I’ve been frequenting coffee shops to get work done, right at the fountain of the hipsters’ life-blood. I wouldn’t even ask a hipster to watch my computer while I go to the bathroom. I’ll pack it all up and lose my seat next to the outlet before I ask hipster enjoying their organic air. It’s scary movie season… not only would they fall pale at a thief, they are too busy planning multimedia art instillation based on Paranormal Activity 4.

And there is nothing I can’t stand more than a hipster with a pumpkin spice latte. I can’t even go there. Hating the establishment, dressing like they are homeless and purchasing marked up liquid flavoring with a shot of espresso and warm milk. Suddenly I’m reminded of the upcoming election as I gripe about the unfortunate beings we share this great country with. Maybe they will be too busy with October they won’t register to vote.

Two years ago I crafted this post, with midterms coming up and Pumpkin Spiced Candles in full force, it’s all relevant. Hope you enjoy the throwback. New one for next week!

 

XO Jane Article

October 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Raise a glass! Just got an article published on xojane.com.

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Hope you enjoy the fodder. Please leave a comment if you want!

Not One of THOSE Brides

September 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

No, I’m not going to be one of those brides. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones in that Cosmo article that you read before you found “the one” because you just couldn’t stomach another one of your friend’s showing off their bling all over Facebook. That jezebel article that you “stumbled upon” the 7th time you were asked to be a bridesmaid in one year. The girls who hashtag “blessed” or “luckiest girl in the world” or “love him” incessantly  (26.2 million instagram tags, precisely). We get it, he’s #thebest.

These are little girlfriend-zillas and once they have a ring on it (#helikeditsoheputaringonit) mature into bridezillas. These people make their bridesmaids give up their trendy pixie cuts and get spray tans. These are the ladies who buy $12,000 dresses, then trash it for a photo shoot. These are the women who throw tantrums until their father’s hand over credit cards. You might have seen some of these on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. These girls are batshit. Batshit without a budget.

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Good news! If you have a budget, you are a normal bride who’s not annoying everyone around her. Unless you keep saying “We”. We really think hot pink flowers for centerpieces. We think the ring bearer should wear a sign that says ring security. We think bachelor parties are tacky. Said no man EVER. Don’t insert him into these worries unless it’s a little more believable.

Other things that annoy people: Thinking you’re a princess. Play by play wedding planning on Facebook. Countdowns until you marry your best friend. Posting boudoir shots you got him for xmas. Ring pic as a profile pic. A ring pic every time you “still can’t believe it.” Actually ring pics in general. Arguing with your mother in public places. Yelling/screaming excitedly about various states of planning. Always changing the topic back to your wedding (especially when no one else is asking). Mandatory expenses for wedding, shower, bachelorette parties with threat of kicking you off the wedding party or invite list (these people exist!). You think everyone cares about the color of your nails on “the day.” You’re pretty wrapped up in it all and forget that there are real problems out there.

Disclaimer: If love is a battlefield, I am a war zone journalist. On that note, wedding planning is like freaking Vietnam. So, please understand me when I say I’m not one of those brides (I did post a ring pic, but #sorrynotsorry). This is a freakish industry. I know I have only just hit the tip of the iceberg here, but I have so many thoughts about all this wedding crap and I can’t keep them to myself. There are so many things people don’t tell you about this stuff. So much I wasn’t prepared for. In an effort to spare and prepare you, or for you to later commiserate about your own wedding planning process, I will proceed to create content around this absurd ritual that doesn’t really work for 55% of couples. Get it now? I’m not one of those brides, I’m that kind of bride.

***If you aren’t interested in my humor on the subject, don’t worry, it’s a short engagement. But I will have to figure out what the hell to call this blog when I’m married. Clearly, I didn’t plan for this otherwise I would have gave myself a more versatile url.

Seven Tips

September 10, 2014 § 2 Comments

Going through the archives and found this gem from Jan 2011 of the single years. BR (before Red). The advice holds up, as does my theory on handbags. The handbag theory has inspired a new hypothesis on mascara, for which I am currently running tests.  

Lately, I’ve been called upon for relationship advice. Why people asking me for advice? Clearly, I have failed in this department. In my only “serious” relationship, I waited too long for the frog to turn into a prince, and then I got dumped by the frog anyway. I’m not exactly the poster lady for love. Although now that I am single-ish, it seems my friends who are with-boyfriend come to me more often, as if I am a relationship psychic. Sadly, Miss Cleo talks out of her ass, and so do I.

So why are they blasting my phone with BF woes? As a single gal, I appear to have it together. The growth has been removed. I am no longer a host for the farting, belching, sports-crazed jerk with mommy-issues feeding off me for a hot meal and a blowjob. Thus the basis for the age-old pickle: can’t live with him, can’t live without him.

In the meantime, heed some advice or just enjoy the nonsense.

Mistakes You’re Making with Men

  1. Put the vibrator down. Eliminate the competition.
  2. Game time is man time, if you are going to sit there and pout, go home.
  3. They instinctively want to spread their seed, don’t take it personally. Let them look, but not touch. See Have You Touched a Boob Today
  4. Regardless of reason, he will always think there is no motivation behind your anger. Don’t get angry without visual aids, you have to spell it out and make sure the tv is off.
  5. Do your exercises; a tight pussy goes a long way.
  6. What the hell is a promise ring? If you’ve already brought it up, you’ve said too much.
  7. If he hasn’t contacted you, you probably shouldn’t send those four text messages and definitely don’t leave a voicemail. Whatever you do, don’t Facebook stalk the events he plans on attending to stage a funny coincidence. Read your horoscope and get over it.

It’s not just the ladies either, I have guy friends knocking on my door, calling at all hours (and not in the likeness of an acceptable way to wake a sleeping woman). Alright people, we’re all clueless. This is not algebra, there is no x.

There’s A Lot You Can Tell About a Girl By Her Purse

  1. If it’s smaller than your hand, she only does two things, stalk on the phone and spend money. See Sept 21’s post to learn the damage done by cell.
  2. If it’s it has more than 2 straps, over the shoulder or around the wrist, cross body, or crook o an elbow, she can’t make up her mind. [guilty as charged, thank you]
  3. If it has so many compartments you can’t count them all, she’s probably a bit scatterbrained and has a short attention span.
  4. If it’s almost bigger than she is, she has an arsenal of things to throw when she doesn’t get her way. [wait until I put the bag down and walk a safe distance]
  5. If it’s a designer bag with matching wallet that costs more than your car, she is too high maintenance, turn around, you don’t have the patience or the bank account.
  6. If it’s a knock off designer, she’s a cheap date and will probably put out after a few drinks.
  7. If she doesn’t carry a purse, or bag, or pocketbook at all, she there is a good chance she might be lesbian. That’s just fact.

Well, I hoped you all learned something.

 

Engaged to be Wed (aka Doom)

September 5, 2014 § Leave a comment

This is not a drill. I’m engaged.  THE Mister Red (and dreamiest strawberry blonde on the planet) purchased a diamond and asked very nicely if I would be his newest piece of property. It was thrilling. I’ll save the boring details for another rather gushy post. But now I would like to let you in on the thoughts swimming in my brain since I got my flashy new piece of ice.

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1. I didn’t know everyone was going to be so happy for us. They don’t tell you people are going to be so happy at your face. All the time splashy happiness. Every two seconds someone is being happy at me. It’s pretty crazy.

2.It’s not like people didn’t see it coming, I’ve lived with the man for 3 years, we’ve been knocking boots for 4 and we know too much about each other’s bank accounts. There isn’t much left to change besides my last name (which I am looking forward to because it’s going to be an alliteration. I love alliterations).

3. I’m already an ungracious host. I run out of things to say when people are being all happy in my face.

“You got engaged?”

“Yup, I got engaged.”

“Congratulations, that’s so wonderful! You guys are the cutest!”

“Thanks.” And that’s all I got.

I’m so bad at this stuff. We’re engaged that’s it. I got a pretty ring. We’ll undoubtedly have a really expensive party that everyone else will have opinions about. All I really want to do is snuggle up to watch Star Wars with my honey and make jokes. I’m trying to master Yoda’s laugh because I’m pretty sure I’m going to be him for Halloween. This is where my mind is. Not on dates, venues, or bridesmaid dresses. I’d like to practice a Jedi mind trick for that instead.

4. Why can’t it go on any finger you want? My left ring finger is the grossest of all my fingers. It has the ugliest writer’s nubbin on the knuckle too. Guess it’s an engaged writer’s nubbin now.

5. I hate (and have always hated) the term fiancé. Too many syllables. If I could have gone from boyfriend to husband I would have. It’s going to be a short engagement because I don’t want to have a fiancé for very long. Fiancé is one ‘n’ away from ‘finance.’ Coincidence? I’m constantly reminded that I have to finance a wedding.

Also I just keep thinking about that episode from Seinfeld. You know the one, “maybe the dingo ate your baby.”  Will that ever stop? Because it just makes me giggle. Every time I say it. I don’t want to be that woman. Is there a synonym? Like F. Mony. Short for future matrimony. But that’s also an ‘e’ away from ‘money.’ Ironic?

6. This engagement put me in the dog house for the first 3 years of marriage, at least. Hardest person in the world to surprise, right here. Yup, I figured it out. Well, I had an inkling. And instead of trusting that it was going to be wonderful, I saw it come and had to poke holes in the plot line (although, this quality also makes me a good editor). He did a bait and switch, and because Mister Red is an excellent improvisor, it was just as magical as planning every detail out before hand. As my first act of groveling, this is my public apology. Dear Red, I trust you. I’m sorry for being a crazy skeptical person thus ruining the surprise you’d been arranging for weeks. 

7. At first I wanted to plan everything about the wedding all at once. Then I wanted to plan nothing at all. Now I realize we have to plan whether I like  it or not. This is because of parental expectations. My mother has already informed me she will be wearing navy blue. I guess that’s one thing I don’t have to decide. Mister Red thinks we can do it all in a weekend. I think we might need two.

8. You can’t change your insurance without a marriage license. So, good thing I’ll be getting one of those soon.

9. Whatever happens, the dude abides. What if we had a Big Lebowski Themed wedding at a bowling ally and everyone just came in their bath robes and we toasted with white russians? Why can’t that be a thing? My mom can still wear navy blue!

10. I don’t want to get caught up in it all. I want someone to pull my hair [hard] if I start stressing about flowers or desserts. We should have eloped in our pajamas with that puppy when we had the chance.

11. A Bachelorette Party is the best excuse I’ve ever had to get my friends together and go wine tasting whether they like each other or not. It’s like all the birthday parties I’ve never had rolled into one.

12. If anything I’m relieved. We committed to each other for the long haul a while back, so my love and commitment hasn’t notably grown in the past couple weeks, but the relief I feel is apparent. I do feel more like a team. We got a diamond on it. I feel less alone, comforted by the fact that we share each other’s load. He’s helping carry mine and I’m helping carry his. And that’s what it’s all about. Not rings, not navy blue mother’s dresses, not surprise engagement parties (but it was so much fun, I want to hug everyone all at once, and I’m not a hugger). We get to have this sweet ride. See where it takes us, and do it together.

13. Does this mean I have to end my blog? I think I have a few more months.

Ice Bucket What-have-you

August 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

This ALS Ice Bucket Challenge will not rest until everyone in the world has completed it. If we keep going at this rate, we only have 22 days left. Your welcome.

1st world people love a dare. I was having a hard time with the whole “you are wasting clean water on your head while some people don’t even have water” thing. PS there is a show called “Surviver” Why don’t you attack the exploitation of extreme conditions for entertainment? Or people who let the faucet run while they brush their teeth? Or the wining team of any football championship ever? See, ice bucket dousing is not a new thing. And yes, it’s a stupid waste of water. Maybe get in the face of people who didn’t pony up at least five bucks for a donation.

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But then again, my state is in a severe drought, so I do get the point. I’m pretty sure in a few months we are going to be mandated to shower on alternate days. California is few dry months away from becoming the smelly kids. And here’s the bad news for the winter: we supply a lot of your produce Midwest, Northeast, etc. Just stop challenging Californians, we get taxed enough as it is. We’ll do a bucket of sand instead.  We can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. We got enough on our hands with not only the drought, but the recent earthquake. In a few months when the price of wine skyrockets, you might wish you sent your five bucks to Napa Valley instead.

No, I kid. Your money is being donated to the right place. ALS has raised over 94 million dollars. Which is wicked awesome for a disease a lot of people forgot about since Lou Gehrig. However, there is an even more of an upside to this. ALS isn’t the only  neurodegenerative disease. Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and Huntington’s are also in this category. Later in life onset, these diseases are a death sentence that you have to live with long before you kick the bucket. Sure, I feel for the people without clean water, but I also want to know there is serious funding behind a chunk of diseases I might possibly have one day. What helps ALS helps all of this research, and knowledge is power.

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I truly hope the people who took on this challenge know what it means beyond the stupid stunt. Sometimes we live our lives pissed off at our wi-fi signals, or traffic, or missing out on taco tuesday. When you boil that bucket of ice water down, health is wealth. Whether we have clean water to dump on our heads or water our crops, if we are healthy surrounded by those we love, we are doing all right. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is simply ridiculous slap stick for a good cause. Who doesn’t love slap stick? Who doesn’t love a good cause?

Also, I’m an expert on this cause I did it. With Ocean Ice Water, mind you. I did not waste any potential crop water, dear farmers and California Government. Don’t tax me. If you want to donate to MIND you don’t need a challenge to do it. http://www.massgeneral.org/mind/ Just click and see all the cool research and trials that are helping people today!

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