ONLINE DATING: I did it, but I didn’t want to.

August 19, 2010 § 1 Comment

Let’s just say, I have more than just a little attitude toward online dating. In an effort not to pass judgment on something I know nothing about, I took my scowl to the street. I gandered at eharmony and match.com. After vomiting a little in my mouth at the pictures on their homepage, I searched for something with a little less investment. Ashleymadison was a little too hooker for me, so I settled on okcupid because it was free and casual dating seemed to be an option.

After much procrastination and a lot of silly answers, I decided to quit the nonsense for the sake of the experiment and get serious about finding my digital soul mate. I answered wholeheartedly and was appalled that the third question asked of me was how often I brush my teeth and was it important for my future lover to have the same habit.

Supervised by a close friend, who was keeping me honest and from stomping on my computer with a stiletto, I spent an hour thinking about who I was and who I was looking for. Then upon viewing my profile I realized I had chosen my screenname rather carelessly. It was my real name, first and last with an underscore in between. I was advertisement: stalkers welcome. I quickly went though my profile options to try to change the name only to discover it’s about the only thing you cannot change. At the drop of a hat I could easily become a lesbian, a vegan, a trapeze artist, but changing my name was against the rules. I contemplated taking on a whole new persona and letting my alter ego run rampid on the internet seeking out uncharacteristic people and activities so no one could trace me. But instead I just deleted and started over.

Take two was approached differently. I was way too tired of answering questions about preferred oral hygiene regimens and tying to pull the philosophical blue print of the perfect partner out of my ass. So, I answered the about me “essays” with as few words as possible to remain clever yet intriguing and quickly started searching potential hotties. Once I had glanced at a few profiles it occurred to me: most of these people didn’t seem to actually want to be using this dating site and were about just as embarrassed as I was. I started personifying them with funny voices as I read their profiles out loud. This is when I started feeling bad for the lonely hearts and began electronically winking at them.

Yes, there is a wink button. I am sure it’s some incarnation of Facebook’s poke, but somehow in this arena tons more fun and far less pressure. So much fun that I think I am going to bring the act itself to the bar this Friday and try it in the flesh. Hopefully, it will have the same effect.

So I winked at few guys over 6ft tall and cute enough to sleep with and decided to call it a day. My only worry is that one of these tall boys will actually have some connection to me in real life, like my boss’s nephew, or the dude who bags my groceries. I would be mortified. I am officially a closet online dater. Well… I’m a winker. I’m just winking right now.

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