Casting My New Ex-Boyfriend

August 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

Back to the online dating experiment. I’ve been browsing through profiles, compatibility charts and everyone’s favorite: self-portraits. There is even a spot in your profile where you can make public what you are looking for, like a casting call.

For me, I want one that’s tall, athletic, with a beard. The facial hair is important, the height is important and extra points if he drives a pickup truck. Well, the beard is not mandatory, but he must be able to actually grow on if he wanted, that’s the mark of a real man.

So I got a thing for lumberjacks, don’t judge. Short guys with peach fuzz don’t get offended either. I am sure there’s a lady out there who wants you just as you are, but it’s not me. If given the choice I am sure you would want me to be bleach blonde with double Ds, a flat tummy and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Online dating allows you to be specific, superficial and go for the gold. After all, you aren’t really looking at these people in the eye, so you aren’t offending anyone to their face. That makes it okay, right?

By using the “favorites” function, I can create a list of my favorite Guys who Like Girls (age 27-36) who are over 6ft tall. I can also use this function to let them know they are one of my favorites. It’s kind of like having your friend approach a guy for you, passing along the message that you think he’s cute, all while you watch from the other end of the bar, blushing.

However, I learned about this function by being on the other side of it. Within a mere four hours of posting my profile I was being added to favorites lists, and these guys were making me aware. What’s really suspect is that I am a favorite of a guy clear across the country. We will never meet, I guarantee. Then why make me your favorite? Choke the chicken much? Gross. It’s like letting the person you’re stalking know that you’re the perv who’s adding you to his spank bank. Things like this should be kept private.

Checking out the profile of each potential ex boyfriend can be dizzying. For a group of people wanting a true love connection, they sure talk a lot of crap. I can’t help but assume that some of these dudes are straight up lying. I mean, come on, you make over $100,000 a year and you can’t find a date in LA? I could find you at least three potential trophy wives within two hours of hanging out at a Beverly Hills nail salon if I could advertise that kind of cash. And then there’s the whole height thing, unless you really are a 6’5” pituitary case, my guess is you’re embellishing by couple of inches.  In truth, it’s probably the proclaimed 5’11½”ers you have to worry about.

I am still chuckling about the cubby guy who describes himself as athletic. I’m no supermodel, but at least I am honest with myself. Also, I can’t get past the amount of people who rant on and on about their world views and awesome personalities then don’t even mention their occupation. Okay Cupid, I’m not sure if you and I are really going to work out much longer with all this probable deceit. I’m 5’5” and if it’s not true, I’m not lying, I just haven’t measured myself recently.

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