Updates and Functions.

August 30, 2010 § Leave a comment

This online dating thing is a full time gig. I’m slightly overwhelmed, sort-of repulsed, and more than a little bit frightened. I’m regretting not dedicating a new email address reserved strictly for Okcupid traffic with all the winking and favoritism going on. I really can’t keep up with it all and still fit in my regular procrastination for the day via Facebook and youtube.

Yesterday, I met my wink limit. Apparently, you are limited to 1.5 winks per person, per day, per eye. This is an outrage, you should be able to wink as many times and at as many people as you want. It feels good to get winked at, like you’ve been let in on a secret. Unless you realize that person is winking to someone standing behind you, then you feel stupid.

There is also a “smile gesture” but you can only smile at a conversation, you can’t smile directly at the person. This seems weird, and goes against all rules of social behavior. I think I would smile first then wink. Or wink at a conversation, but I’d defiantly smile before I said anything to anyone. I digress; maybe it’s to help you decipher the creepy smiles from the sincere ones. Alternatively, how do you judge a creepy wink? Like when you catch your overly touchy uncle miming about the size of your adolescent sister’s new boobies. Never mind the smile, that’s a creepy wink.

There are also awards. Awards, Really? I have seen girls give guys awards for being “eye candy” and “really funny.” As if the whole online dating scene wasn’t passive aggressive enough, these people are actually too bashful to send a message directly to the person complementing them.

The chat function is quite alarming. It feels like one of those chat rooms in the 90s before there were parental filters. Like at a sixth grade slumber party when you and your girlfriends would giggle in front of the computer tying up the phone line for hours chatting with several pedophiles. Yup, this is just like that. You go online to check your inbox and 30 seconds later you got every Tom, Dick and Harry asking you “Wazzzz up?”  My favorite is the guy who tries to chat with me in ebonics, but we’ll save grammar issues and vernacular for another time.

And then there’s Quiver. What the hell is ‘Quiver’? Every once in a while I get an update saying some one chose me on Quiver, like the site threw my profile as a hail mary pass to some dude and he made the game saving catch. The name itself just reminds me of having to pee really, really bad. I don’t think I want to be associated with it what-so-ever.

Although, I must proudly announce Okcupid recently informed me of my official graduation from average to attractive, and I will start being paired with more good-looking men. Well, thank you, Internet, I’m tickled pink that you find me cute, but I am more concerned that you were previously throwing a bunch of uglies my way. Regardless, that is in the past, I forgive you. Now that I have proven myself, I’ll be looking forward to all the toasty fellas you’ll be introducing me to. That is, if you are really telling me the truth and not just blowing smoke up my ass to keep the hope alive that this website will actually work for me. I don’t want to be just another user. I thought we had a real connection.

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