Disney Princess Complex
December 8, 2010 § 2 Comments
The average fifth grader in 1995 worshiped Ariel, Cinderella, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Snow White and many other big busted, tiny waisted, doe eyed Disney Princesses. Bred on fairytale endings these little girls grow up expecting every man to fill the quota of Prince Charming. Now in their twenties, they anticipate fireworks during first kisses leading to enchanted wedding bliss. Has Disney single handedly altered the modern woman’s matrimonial expectations? As the digital-age dames are sifting through the joe-six-packs of the world, they hold tightly to the belief that every street rat has prince potential, every beast beats his beauty, and every good cat is a lioness in the sack. The original Disney Princesses only got what they wanted because of their racks and like every fine American they want instantaneous results, obsessed with showing the goods to yield the gold. But what does “happily ever after” entail anyway?
I was recently told a tall tale from one of my strapping guy-friends. He had accidentally engaged in a courtship with a debutante who was crushing hard on Prince Charming. First, I adore this dude, but she was putting her pearls in the wrong jewelry box. This guy couldn’t be further away from prince material. He would rather throw someone else into moving traffic then even attempt to be courageous and he’s not much to look at either. But on second thought, Beauty did fall in love with the Beast. Just as an aside, can we all agree that he was much more attractive as a beast then as a prince? I remember popcorn bombs at the screen accompanied by rousing boos when that much anticipated transition happened. What a disappointment, I rather get frisky with that candlestick instead.
Apart from the lack of looks, the only thing in Not-so-charming’s wallet is a Ralph’s Club Card, but then again Aladdin swooned Princess Jasmine somehow. I know these animated examples aim to teach young girls to not judge on wealth or looks, but it’s also excusing men from basic grooming and ambition. Aladdin is pretty much saying that a homeless dude is worthy of banging a regal woman. At the same time it’s endorsing criminal admiration. No genie required. And in the end it promises everyone, from toad to trash, some sort of supreme being, be it godmother, magic spell, magic potion, magic wand, reality television producer, will come along and turn you and your sidekick into royalty. Exactly like what MTV did for those fools on the Jersey Shore.
Anyway, back to my friend. Despite his obvious pitfalls, he had been eyesing the tiara-ed tramp for a while. He caught her exiting the tanning parlor next to his gym “a few times” before he finally asked her out. And when he says “a few times” it really means only once. I promise you, even Prince Charming has an attention span of a goldfish and tanning parlors are revolving door for wanna-be princesses. She looked like she could be found romping around the Playboy mansion and that’s really what won him over. Just like the rest of the Disney sluts. For a first date he took her out for a drink, conveniently running into his buddies and without missing a minute of the game. The desperate damsel rewarded this haughty behavior by inviting him up to her apartment. Talk about hard up for a fairytale ending, where did she think this was going? It’s the classic first sign: she expects to fall in love instantly and throws caution to the wind, much like The Little Mermaid gave up her voice after spying on a man playing a flute. Come on, Ariel, you could have picked a man with a bigger instrument if you were going to trade in your tail.
Now that he’s in her bell tower, she traps him urging him to stay and tell her how wonderful she is, trying to mimic her idea of love purchased by her parents when she was just a little girl. Would he like to hear a song? Does the wolf follow the trail of breadcrumbs? So our would-be prince settles in for an amateur rendition of Part of Your World. After the ballad, the delusional dingbat continues to sing for the remainder of the score. Feigning enthusiasm our hero decides to wait it out for the promise of pussy. Villains have sunk lower, I suppose. The Big Bad Wolf dressed in drag to capture Red Riding Hood. And in his defense, Under the Sea IS pretty entertaining no matter who’s performing the cover. He did eventually give up and excused himself after she asked him to reenact the fight scene between Prince Eric and Ursula then busted out a trident. Okay, maybe I made that last part up, but singing the entire Little Mermaid soundtrack to your date can be filed as the worst case of the Disney Princess Complex I have ever heard of.
Beyond embarrassing herself regularly and her unhealthy idea of monogamy, I’m pretty sure this diva ditz finds herself visiting Disneyland at least four times a year and has a knack for beadazzling just about anything. It’s just unreasonable to think your curvature will attract love and loyalty, let alone a man you’d be able to stand for the rest of your life. Because that’s what happily ever after really is, enduring another person for the sake of companionship, even if they do fart in their sleep. “Poof” is not a magical term in the vocabulary of the contemporary courtship. I’d like to see those hourglass figures after popping out a few inheritors and if ol’ Princey’s found a new trophy wife, 20-years his junior. When you think about it, most of those Disney Princesses are just cat ladies in waiting. Thank god for those woodland animals helping Snow White and Cinderella with the housekeeping. Who would have listened to Jasmine if not for Raja? If your prince never comes you better hope you’re not allergic to pet dander.
A few weeks ago Disney swore off fairytales in the Sunday addition of the LA Times. This weekend Tangled scored the number one slot at the box office, beating out Harry Potter. Truth be told, little girls are still sufficiently swooned by princesses and the romanticized ideal they chase after. Come to find out Rapunzel’s prince is none other than a charming thief, who’s not that into her anyway. It gets worse; she totally gives up her magical golden hair for this convicted felon. Hopefully after a good time out, Disney will adjust their lens reworking these female roles to include solving world hunger or coming up with a national health care plan that works. But with the Kardashians still around, it’s going to be an uphill battle. Prince Charming could be forever dumbfounded by hotness regardless of how heroic he may be, and it will probably end in divorce no matter what Disney decides.