Dear Future Husband
January 17, 2011 § 1 Comment
I know this is a little forward because we haven’t met yet, or we have met and maybe I’m waiting for you to get a promotion, or for your ex to move to a different city, or for you to stop getting your “tips” frosted. Regardless, I have a list of things you should be aware of when the time is right for you to swoop me off my feet. Swooping to be done in the happy-ending-romantic-comedy way, not the Fantasia-dancing-hippo way (that ended badly). I write this prematurely in part because I know my future-self will get immense pleasure out of saying, “I told you so.” So without further explanation, my list of requirements and dealbreakers are as follows:
- First and foremost, never lie to me. It has less to do with core values and more with the fact that I can’t lie. You see, I cannot control my facial expressions, I read like a billboard. You’ll have to come down to my level on this one.
- If you’re a vegan or a vegetarian that has to end now. If you aren’t into seafood, you’ll have to become more adventurous. Eating is one of my favorite hobbies, I don’t want to be forced into personifying the animal I’m about eat, like when fish is served with the head, his huge saucer eye looking up at me. So if you’re not into splitting a cute little cow, back off my steak!
- Making it your personal mission to make me laugh will be rewarded amply with sexual acts.
- Cheating at cards, stacking the deck or otherwise is considered a federal offense in my book and will not be tolerated. My Grandmother is watching.
- Must look adorable in a baseball cap, but not wear one too often.
- I’d really prefer it if you didn’t have a criminal record. Besides a few unpaid parking tickets, if you need to call a guy to get the slate wiped clean, you should do so now.
- Know hot your ass is and purchase pants accordingly. And if you don’t know, ask me for advice.
- Cut apples into perfect bites so we can share.
- Get a fun car and a serious car, but let me drive the fun car most of the time.
- Desire to dance drunkenly to a classic rock cover band on a steamy summer night.
- Random acts of flowers accepted.
- Know I can’t take a complement, but shower me with them anyway.
- When asked to name three things you can’t live without, sex should be one of them.
- Put grand ideas in ways I’ve never heard.
- I’m not asking you to plaster pictures of us making out on your facebook page, but at least hide your relationship status so you’re not advertised as single.
- To ensure I am attracted to you for a lifetime, it’s better to be a hot potato than a couch potato. If you’re a whole sack of potatoes, you’ll need to make some dietary changes and get a gym membership to keep up with me, I’m not into slackers.
- ‘Slackers’ brings me to my next point, as the song clearly states: I don’t want no scrubs. Have a job, have a goal, have a passion. If you don’t, you’re not bringing much to the discussion and I’ll end up talking too much. No one wants that.
- Love The Big Lebowski and be able to recite almost every line in addition to perfecting the ultimate white Russian. This is not ‘nam, there are rules.
- Please don’t make me go to church on Sundays. Not only am I not a morning person, but I was raised Cathloic, I’ve put in my time.
- Understand my love for the Big Ten Conference, specifically Michigan State Basketball and the lord of the dance: Tom Izzo. I will watch your team, pro or college, with the same enthusiasm in return. You can’t get a girl this cool and not give a little back. You will bleed green.
- Cook with me.
- One day a week, stay in bed with me until noon.
- Come to a happy medium on the whole PDA thing. I’m not really a hugger, and I am defiantly not a lap sitter. I will, however, hold your hand, offer a quick peck on the lips, give the “oh Honey, you’re being dumb” pat on the arm, and I’ll let you slap my ass in front of your friends for comedic effect.
- Zero drama please. Let’s not do petty arguments or fester feelings over small stuff like toast or handsoap. If you feel something, say it. If you want something to change, do something about it.
- On occasion, pick me up and carry me to the bedroom, even if it’s firemen’s style.
- Let me have my independence, but desire to take care of me.
- Be okay with watching television marathons, even if that’s all we ever do on Friday nights, and never stand to watch a movie in full screen.
- I can hang with the boys but there will be times when my friends and I need a chaperone. These ladies are my family, we come as a package and, unfortunately, you have to deal with the shenanigans.
- Think my parents are as hilarious as I do.
- Put the toilet seat down, for God’s sake. This goes for when you’re mad at me too. I know retaliation when I fall in it.
- Take me to places fancier than us just to act inappropriately.
- Have enough kindness and understanding to pick me up when I’m feeling down, bring me soup when I’m sick, and talk in funny voices when I cry.
- Text me jokes during the workday.
- These legs don’t shave themselves and the snatch is even harder to groom. Give me a grace period, but tell me when I have an extraneous evil hair.
- Don’t be afraid to dance. Not in the sexy way, but in the silly way, most likely in the kitchen laughing hysterically doing the running man.
- Try not to over use emodicons and acronyms, and never initiate an argument over Instant Message.
- Know how to swim, build a fire, change a tire, use a power drill, drive a boat. Basic man things, yes, but you’d be surprised how many city boys are 0-5.
- You have to actually read something, like books or the newspaper. Maxium and Playboy don’t count. Your interest in something other then sports or video games is mandatory. In addition, have a broad vocabulary. I refuse to dumb down my lexicon for the rest of my life because you can’t pick up a novel.
- Lovemaking should be… athletic.
- Please travel well. None of this ‘afraid of flying’ or ‘fear of heights’ or ‘I don’t like camping.’ Saying you want to show me the world doesn’t hurt either, it worked for Aladdin.
- Don’t father me, I already have one of those.
- You’ll receive a big bonus for perfecting pancake breakfast on Sundays.
- Don’t keep me waiting, but don’t get mad if you need to wait on me. I know it’s hypocritical, but let’s weigh the facts. You’ll shower and get ready in under 10 minutes. I require 30-60. Believe me, once we get that grooming conveyor belt-thingy the Jetsons have, then you can get mad.
- Do the dishes without a shirt on.
- Enjoy a comfortable silence.
- And last but not least, put a ring on it. If you want me forever, I got to get some bling. My aunt got a canoe instead of a diamond, but it works out because she’s been woken up with a cup of coffee in bed EVERY morning for over 25 years. So if you aren’t prepared to get your Folgers on, find a good jeweler.
I don’t think this is asking to much. In return I will always greet you with genuine joy, allow you to laugh at me when I spill food on myself, let you rummage in my kitchen in the middle of the night, look pretty and be personable when it counts, and act foolishly just to see you smile, among other things between the sheets that shall remain unmentioned.
Truly yours, and hoping to no longer be,
The Internet Bachelorette