Super Bowl vs. Valentine’s Day

February 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

These two holidays are either working together or against each other. I don’t like to gender generalize, but I’m going to go with the Sex and the City subculture on this one. Is the Super Bowl to men as Valentine’s Day is to women? You have to admit, the timing of it all really raises the stakes this year. Romance vs. Football, the great battle of February 2011.

The regular season is over and The Bachelor has taken control, causing the great seasonal shift in Monday night entertainment across the country. We are in the deep depths of winter as women reclaim their spot on the couch with their hot coco. Have you seen this show? These girls are certifiably crazy. Tacking, scoring, blood, sweat, tears, I might as well be watching football. Last week a chick gave herself a black eye. The reality show is 1-15 for the fairytale ending with no signs of actually wanting to improve their record. Clearly these people are just playing for fame, not too far off from Pro Football. You might also be shocked to discover the real die-hard fanatics throw their time in the dumpster by playing Fantasy Bachelor. Once you pick the girls for your team you earn points if one of them cries, gets in a verbal fight, stickes her tongue down the Bachelor’s throat (or each others) or gets shitfaced. Just what we need, more drunk people on television. Makes you think the sports fantasy leagues should really step it up and give extra points for suspensions or arrests. Why not make it interesting while your pouring your life into something that doesn’t actually exist?

It might be safe to say feelings about romantic love are similar to feelings about football. The Super Bowl is the male Valentines Day and we certainly cater to their needs. All day you fawn over him: dress up in a sexy yet sporty attire displaying preferred colors, make guacamole from scratch because he’s really picky about store bought finger foods, clean up beer cans among other stickiness that has transformed your home into a frat house, commiserate when they lose (a pity blow job eases hurt feelings), or prepare for a drunken victory romp if they win, which we all know will be a selfish session on his part. This is a day celebrates all sorts of manliness, no matter how ridiculous. Please note the cheese hats this weekend. How is this masculine? Between face/body painting, costumes and the emotional unrest… it sounds more like cross-dressing to me.

No dude wants to be alone on the Super Bowl Sunday, who’s he going to kiss after the game winning touch down? Win or lose, it is a very emotional time for American men and they need a lady to stand by them. A few years ago when the New York Giants upset New England Patriots fans nationally, there were a lot of men looking for a warm maternal lap to sob into. I had a friend who was on the second or third date with a Pats fan, and after the second hour of weeping she left and never saw him again. Just like Valentines Day, you should never begin a relationship near the Super Bowl. Especially if you’re feeling dramatically expressive or have unrealistic expectations for the day, these things backfire.

As a football fan and a woman myself, I much rather go to a bar to watch the game with close friends and eat greasy American food, than tote around a crock pot of Swedish meatballs to a boys club just be a chaperon at a party of grown men acting like 8 year olds who’ve had too much sugar. The mood swings are hard enough to deal with before you add the excessive drinking. Heaven forbid you miss kickoff, even though he was in charge of getting the directions because you are the DD. Case in point: My favorite Super Bowl Celebrations in recent memory have been when I was single, but if you don’t play halftime right you are in the same position.

This is a very serious matter, and personally, I think the efforts and good intentions of females everywhere on this day are severely overlooked. I am not saying to slack off this year. No no, this game’s got a new strategy. If anything you should beef up your starting line up. This year Valentine’s Day is only one week after the Super Bowl. Make this Super Bowl count. Pre-game hummer, a little extra cleavage, a winning dessert, no groaning or complaining, take a knee on any and all arguments then clean the house spotless as if little fairies came in the middle of the night. A few days later when he’s still rehashing the most epic Super Bowl he’s ever experienced remind him about Valentine’s Day Weekend, days away. Reminding is key, the opposite sex has memories like goldfish so he’ll need a nudge in the right direction. The timing couldn’t be better. Hopefully the new playbook will result in touchdowns for the 14th. Looking forward to hearing success stories. Go Team, Fight!!!

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