Oh no he didn’t…

August 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

Alright ladies, you caught me. Heels over my ponytail for Mr. Red. I think the last update I was gushing too much. If that had been a note passed in 2nd hour, I would have dotted my i’s with hearts. I spent the better part of this month scared shitless of my intense feelings. I have grown to realize that sometimes this is how things happen, and because of the man he is, I can trust him with my heart.

I’ve been very weary of letting someone in. Like many, I have been hurt in a way I could have never imagined. My feelings are still somewhat tender and Mr. Red and I are still learning a great deal about each other. We can’t get enough of one another, can’t keep our hands off each other, touching, giggling, eyesing. Who have I turned into? Some one stop me if I start wearing hot pink and get a cell phone cover crusted with rhinestones.

A couple of weeks ago he said the L-word and I froze (classic). It really had only be about 3 months, though we have been spending a great deal of time together so I knew it was coming, I was still in shock. What do you think, too soon? Crossing a line? I didn’t say it back and explained why I couldn’t. He: very patient and respectful. Me: completely freaked out. It was like I was a spy and tripped the alarm. I could not sly steal his heart and get away with it. He did say, it was more for him to say then for me to respond. Still my first instinct was leave as soon as I could make up an excuse.

Some people (maybe me) make an art of prolonging the period between shaking hands/swapping spit and committing some serious feelings. In the end this is a tragic flaw. You wake up alone, probably hungry, and wondering what would have happened if you didn’t get scared.

I didn’t end up leaving that night, but I didn’t reciprocate that important sentence either. The next day, I consulted a couple of friends and got mixed reviews. Somethings can’t be explained by other people, no matter how well they know you or how drunk they’ve seen you. I suppose I’m just as afraid of a happily ever after situation as I am for it to turn into a horror flick. People tell me I shouldn’t be afraid of either outcome. After a long conversation with my mother, I decided to own up to my guilty girlish feelings. Whatev’s, I’m silly in love with this man, no big deal.

I finally said those three magic words last night, pass the potatoes. Just kidding. But I had to justify it, valley girl style. I like totally say it in my head after he says something really funny, or does something super nice, or like looks at me and looks really good. I should totally be able to say it out loud, right? Right.

So I said it. I’ve pushed my chips into the middle, I’m all in. Feeling very, very brave.

If this all comes up roses, I will have to take back a lot about what I’ve previously said about love. For now, taking it one day at a time while trying to let myself be comfortable with all these icky emotions.

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