A Lady Doesn’t Fart

November 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

“A lady doesn’t fart, she fluffs.” My ass. Any guy who actually believes this doesn’t have a sense of smell and may be hard of hearing. Take it from a serial monogamist, there is a barrier to cross. A fart barrier, after that things may never smell the same.

Let’s get some things straight, I wouldn’t let a loud one rip with just anybody around, but if someone inquires, I’ll own up to it. Think Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. I was raised Catholic but I’m not anymore. That guilt alone makes me honest. Plus everybody poops, so everybody toots. Take one for the team now and again. According to my research anonymous crop dustings are only 50% questioned. I always question it to see if people are being honest. For those of you who I hang out with, if I don’t question the stench, it was me. Secrets out. I don’t know why more people don’t ask, “did you fart?” But that’s a sociology survey for another time.

Relationship farts are an entirely different story. It’s a game, who’s going to let it go first, you or him? Ladies, you have been staying away from soy, peanuts, milk (if that’s your thing) to further the relationship. You hold it in or let it out really slowly while sitting on a cushy surface, creating the allusion that your body produces nothing foul. You are a sacred vessel, after all, giver of life. This can’t last forever. Heaven forbid the first time you break wind is during sex.

With my experience, it’s more the noise that’s unflattering than the scent. The scent will waft away after a few seconds, but the noise plays over and over and over again in your head after it passes. The tone, pitch and amplification resonate in your eardrums. On top of it, you can pin point exactly whose ass the noise is coming from. You can’t play it off like it wasn’t you.

No matter who cuts the cheese first, the door is now open and the other person is up to bat. Pressure is on, if you’re second, which is usually the case because I think guys are just gassier. He is just waiting for you to slip up. When you do, it’s almost a celebration. When you both have popped the cherry, you’ve officially got over the fart barrier. Everything is fair game.

I’ve crossed this threshold with quite a few men in my life, like I said serial monogamist. Also I work with a lot of dudes. All boys treat this bodily function a little differently. Some of them grunt after as a sign of ownership, occasionally you’ll get a cougher. Sometimes he’ll just stand in the corner and make a face, that’s a courtesy. Then there are the dudes who have never grown up and giggle a little too long over it. Every single time, like a 3rd grader on a school bus who just learned how to make noise with his armpit. Personally, I enjoy a guy who’ll let it rip really loud and then just make eye contact with you, like he’s just as surprised as you are. Or the guy that looks nervous or worried. He says, “It’s cool, I’m alright. Are you alright? I’m alright.”

So you’ve gotten over the boundary, you’re obviously spending a lot of time together. That’s healthy. It’s healthy to be healthy together, no matter what it smells like. It’s funny, crossing the fart barrier is almost more intimate that seeing each other naked. That’s the society we live in. Farting is a big dark secret you keep and only reveal to the other person when the moment is right. Some people are more upfront than others.

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