Tie Theory

February 1, 2012 § 2 Comments

Life imitates art and happy are we to have so much art all around us. Believe it or not, TV is art. Well… some TV. I’m not sure there’s anything artistic about The Real Housewives of Anywhere, although camera operators would disagree (yes, your time-lapse of sunset clouds is real pretty). Lately, there’s all these period dramas sprouting up… yes please. Romance me, fancy pants-y. From the Petticoats of Downton Abby to the starched collars and dropped waists of Boardwalk Empire, then 50s and 60s glam of Pan Am and Mad Men, who doesn’t want to sit on Don Draper’s lap? The home decor, the clothes, the technology, we are in heaven, immersing ourselves in a simpler time. Then life immitates art, Banana Republic releases it’s Mad Men line this past fall. But I’m not going to hold them single-handedly responsible for the revival of the skinny tie.

Skinny ties were in for summer, but now they’re out. Why? Because it looks silly. Ahem. It only looks silly on The Bachelor, not on you, Jon Hamm, not on you. You’ll notice: if the skinny tie isn’t on Ryan Gosling in GQ, in a period TV drama, or on a hipster meeting his girlfriend’s parents, it’s not doing a good job of being a tie. Politicians are not wearing thin ties, why? Because it’s an election year, they needn’t be likened to hipsters. Sports announcers don’t wear narrow ties because it would look down right puny on them. This is sports, the tie represents the twig and berries.

I think we can all agree on the phallic resemblance of the necktie. So what do you think that means for the skinny tie? You guessed it. You know what they say about a guy with small feet or demur hands…. so what do you think they say about the guy with the thin tie? In this respect, the skinny tie is quite the fashion risk. As far as media has taught me, neckties are the penises of a man’s outfit. Collars? They are of course the balls.

I shall impart my wisdom with a few cinematic examples in no particular order…

Notice how the collar (detachable and heavily starched… some hard balls) is pinned together underneath the necktie, mimicking an almost erection. A halfey. In the 1920s and 30s, STDs were running rampant without much control or modern medicine, having a properly working member was a sign of health, wealth, and happiness. Thank you, Boardwalk Empire.

Reporters have a lot to prove. So did the 70s. They wear their ties super thick with a big o’ knot at the top. And Robert Redford is really hot. You know I got a thing for red beards. And with that tie, I can only imagine what he’s packing. I think he just winked at me. Not the little guy, the other one in  All The President’s Men.

Back to wise guys. I think we can all agree that mobsters have got some major balls. Check out the collars on these dudes. The very definition of balls. All looking very dapper, I might add. Except for Robert DeNiro in the front there. He looks like he had four minutes to get dressed and then someone told him his goldfish was kidnapped. Goodfellas.

What about bow ties you ask? Don’t worry, I got this.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. Dorkdom. Nerds who wear bow ties are not concerned with flashing their manhood around in fashion or otherwise. Pee-wee is a man-child who’s basically asexual except for those allegations of indecent exposure. Geeks don’t think with their ties, but they do like to dress up.

Tuxedos are a different story. Obviously Mr. Craig as James Bond in Casino Royale absolutely has a johnson that begs attention. However, a man in a tux has put business aside for the night to honor his lady. A black tie affair is no place for a dick measuring contest. The bow tie for the tuxedo is a sign that the man has tucked his lower ego away for the evening. Notice how the tie covers the collar too. The whole package tied up in a nice little bow for a lucky gal to unwrap later. Why do you think tuxes are customarily worn at weddings, hmm? The eye should be on the bride not the tie. Then why would a huntsmen like 007 wear a tux most of the time? Well, because it’s the best disguise. No one would assume he’s got gun in his trousers in that penguin suit.

So now you know. Look for the tie you like, bold or blending… color doesn’t matter, but the size does.

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