July 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
The Life of Walsh Episode: 111
That’s my demographic.
So I’m getting back into the fitness industry, and so far so good. I’m already slated to begin teaching classes at a studio that’s expanding and I have an interview at another studio today AND I’m getting Pilates certified. Pretty good deal for someone who hasn’t taught any body any thing since 2006.
I taught in Boston to pay the bills as a college student and hopefully now I can teach to pay the bills as a writer. But something is seriously different between LA and Boston. In beantown I was teaching women in their 40s/50s who just needed to get their heart rate up and maybe lift a pound or two. I loved these ladies, and I had my regulars. These gals really got my humor, middle aged women are really my demographic.
Now I’m teaching at this studio near the beach, a nice beach, with rich people. These ladies are great… but they are much younger and quicker and have more time on their hands than the Boston chicks. I’m in a constant state of fear that they didn’t feel the burn… because they are part time body builders. Some of them get their guns from lifting jewelry alone. I find myself inventing new types of pain instead of new jokes. It’s probably just a learning curve.
Still I miss the laughs from my middle aged gals. Maybe I should just do stand up at Tupperware and Thirty-one Parties instead.
July 26, 2012 § Leave a comment
Migraines can be caused by different things, food ,stress, hormones, physical exertion and the list goes on because even though there’s an app for everything we still don’t know too much about the triggers of the monster migraine.
For me getting a migraine is stress kidnapping my brain. In the beginning I try to run away, avoiding the dark allies of thought. I convince myself the creep isn’t following my every move. I tell myself, “I just need to drink more water.” or “Maybe some vitamins.” or even “This sinus pressure is really killing me, lots of allergens in the air today.” Then I get irritable and I have trouble focusing. “Stupid space bar, acting like your friend Shift key, not doing shit.” “Why is no one emailing me! I need answers!” “I should check facebook. Again.” That’s when my guard is down. I’m running from the attacker but I’m distracted. I trip over my feet, I think ice cream might be a good idea, I’m angry over laundry day. All of which aren’t going to help me plan a proper escape.
Once I’m captured by the headache, I still think I can get out of it. Just a couple Advil and some coffee ought to do it. I’ll just close my eyes for 30 seconds and rub my temple. The migraine just laughs and haze sets in, like I’m bound, gagged and thrown into a dark basement. I’ve been down there for minutes that feel like hours. The light of day is painful, but I still have hope. If I lie really still with a pillow over my eyes in complete quiet for just a few minutes, maybe it will go away. I’m like a cat hiding under a table who’s forgotten it has a tail and the migraine is the 2 year old who’s going to pull it.
Minutes turn into to hours and someone nice brings me rations of water and a medicinal herb to curb the pain and nausea as my temples remain in a vice like torcher from a Quentin Tarantino movie. At this point I just gotta ride it out.
After I’m released, I’m sore, tired, and feeling dumb. I think the migraine hangover might be the worst part. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure the migraine is not lingering for a repeat attack. I’m distracted, fatigued and foggy to say the least. Like I’m repressing horrible memories or have experienced brain damage on par with a heavy night of drinking or that I have been abducted by aliens and they took a portion of my brain for study. I forget words and basic functions like fire is hot, water is wet and lube is not a great toothpaste. This post apocalyptic state often last longer than the migraine itself, a constant state of hungover no greasy breakfast and electrolights could cure.
They say 1 in 6 women suffer from migraines, 1 in 10 men and most experience them in the prime of their life from 20-60. If you don’t get migraines please feel special, but try to understand the severity of the symptoms in others. Before I had my first migraine in the summer of 2008 after days of stress from an unruly superior, I thought it was just a really bad headache. “Just could walk it off. Don’t be a weakling, just a itty bitty head hurt.” I thought migraine victims were just exaggerating. Once I got one, then I felt really bad. It’s like being pissed that there’s traffic only to learn that the real life version of Speed was occurring on the very same highway. So be nice to your friends who experience the occasional neurological storm and accept my apology for not posting yesterday and for this not being that funny.
July 23, 2012 § Leave a comment
The Life Of Walsh Episode: 110
I was too scared to pee…
Mister Red and I challenged ourselves to the relationship endurance task of driving from Chicago to LA. And we did not take our time and it was not exactly for pleasure. In an effort to get through the flyover states as quickly as possible we barreled through Illinois, Iowa and Nebraska like there were feds on our tails. When we just couldn’t take any more flat lands we decided to stop for the night just shy of Colorado. I was driving and my handsome co-pilot was making hotel reservations at the last remote civilization in Nebraska. While I was distracted by operating a motor vehicle he was on the phone. That’s when I overheard the words “Value Inn.” The look I shot at him was met with a quick bark, “trust me.”
“Okay, I’m not sure I trust a place that costs less than the lotion I put on my face, but I trust you, lover. So here we go.” But that’s only what I thought in my mind, I just nodded in agreement. He was wearing the pants, you gotta respect a man for that.
About 4 miles from the chain hotels right off the highway in a one horse town sat the Value Inn, exactly like it sounds. As we pulled in, a seedy man on the balcony was staring daggers at us. Head shaved, dirty from crown to foot, slowly smoking and following our every move. He’s watching us.
Gingerly we approached the “office” and greeted by a mulleted woman fresh off the crystal meth train (pock marks and all) who could only speak in pronouns, her favorite being: thingy. Apparently the internet was down and someone had talked her through fixing it but quite obviously she had failed to identify the wireless router. And now that I think about it, I’m not sure she’d ever even been to a website, let alone logged on. Clearly, she couldn’t have known the importance of available wi-fi. Anyway she gave us our keys (actual keys) and we proceeded to empty the car of it’s valuable contents while Mr. Dirty McCreep watched our every move, just adding up the values of an easy B & E.
As we unlocked the door to the dual double bed motel room a waft of chlorine unfolded as we tip toed inside. Tis is the place where people had surely been bloodied in every horror movie ever. Although the smell strangely put my mind at ease, there was no bed bug that could have survived this chemical invasion.
This was the moment of truth, I was asked to trust, and truly the Value Inn had no vacancies that night so I’m sure we got the last room in town. There was no turning back now. Although I did inform Mister Red that he would not be getting laid in these accommodations. On the upside the water pressure was very relaxing, provided there was someone on guard for any Psycho copycats.
We covered one mattress with a blanket we had in the car and thankfully we had our own pillows too. There would be no skin to motel room contact. Then we drank a bottle of wine to forget about the creepy murderer-type and the meth head and the fact that our screams probably wouldn’t be answered while we put our differences aside to sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever held a person tighter.
About 3am the wine induced slumber had wore off and I was now wide awake, convinced we were going to be slaughtered. I was just waiting for that man to burst through the door. I was so scared I made Mister Red check the bathroom for boogiemen and peed in the dark. I didn’t want to draw attention to our room by turning on a light. Every hour my hero was up checking on the car and surveying the parking lot.
Needless to say we didn’t stay to see if a continental breakfast offered. At the crack of dawn we couldn’t check out fast enough. Our fear had gotten the best of us.
Moral of the story, never stay at a motel run by a drug abuser, never under estimate the value of a good night’s sleep, and always keep a trustworthy man close to you.
July 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
Naturally we lose the winter weight in the summer months, not only for Facebook pictures in our bikinis, but also because we are more active and food is fresh. Farmers Markets are brimming over with some of the best fresh fruits and vegetables. Not only are they delicious but packed with hidden benefits. July is the best time to put these few at the top of your shopping list.
Nectarines: Ah, the peach without a jacket. California grows over 95% of US nectarines. These 60 calorie wonders are close to home and ripe for the picking. This fruit contains good ratio of minerals and electrolytes such as potassium, iron, zinc, copper and phosphorus, making it a great post work-out snack.
Other nutrients include: beta-carotene, vitamin C, lutein, potassium, and fiber.
Eggplant: Eggplant is great anytime but it’s at it’s best right off the vine around late July. However, it’s not just fiber I’m raving about. There is current eggplant research showing the presence of phenolic compounds known to act as antioxidants in our bodies. On top of that the eggplant’s deep purple skin contains antioxidant rich anthocyanins. When choosing an eggplant for your table, make sure to grab one that’s firm and heavier than it looks.