Episode 110

July 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

The Life Of Walsh Episode: 110

I was too scared to pee…

Mister Red and I challenged ourselves to the relationship endurance task of driving from Chicago to LA. And we did not take our time and it was not exactly for pleasure. In an effort to get through the flyover states as quickly as possible we barreled through Illinois, Iowa and Nebraska like there were feds on our tails. When we just couldn’t take any more flat lands we decided to stop for the night just shy of Colorado. I was driving and my handsome co-pilot was making hotel reservations at the last remote civilization in Nebraska. While I was distracted by operating a motor vehicle he was on the phone. That’s when I overheard the words “Value Inn.” The look I shot at him was met with a quick bark, “trust me.”

“Okay, I’m not sure I trust a place that costs less than the lotion I put on my face, but I trust you, lover. So here we go.” But that’s only what I thought in my mind, I just nodded in agreement. He was wearing the pants, you gotta respect a man for that.

About 4 miles from the chain hotels right off the highway in a one horse town sat the Value Inn, exactly like it sounds. As we pulled in, a seedy man on the balcony was staring daggers at us. Head shaved, dirty from crown to foot, slowly smoking and following our every move. He’s watching us.

Gingerly we approached the “office” and greeted by a mulleted woman fresh off the crystal meth train (pock marks and all) who could only speak in pronouns, her favorite being: thingy. Apparently the internet was down and someone had talked her through fixing it but quite obviously she had failed to identify the wireless router. And now that I think about it, I’m not sure she’d ever even been to a website, let alone logged on. Clearly, she couldn’t have known the importance of available wi-fi. Anyway she gave us our keys (actual keys) and we proceeded to empty the car of it’s valuable contents while Mr. Dirty McCreep watched our every move, just adding up the values of an easy B & E.

As we unlocked the door to the dual double bed motel room a waft of chlorine unfolded as we tip toed inside. Tis is the place where people had surely been bloodied in every horror movie ever. Although the smell strangely put my mind at ease, there was no bed bug that could have survived this chemical invasion.

This was the moment of truth, I was asked to trust, and truly the Value Inn had no vacancies that night so I’m sure we got the last room in town. There was no turning back now. Although I did inform Mister Red that he would not be getting laid in these accommodations. On the upside the water pressure was very relaxing, provided there was someone on guard for any Psycho copycats.

We covered one mattress with a blanket we had in the car and thankfully we had our own pillows too. There would be no skin to motel room contact. Then we drank a bottle of wine to forget about the creepy murderer-type and the meth head and the fact that our screams probably wouldn’t be answered while we put our differences aside to sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever held a person tighter.

About 3am the wine induced slumber had wore off and I was now wide awake, convinced we were going to be slaughtered. I was just waiting for that man to burst through the door. I was so scared I made Mister Red check the bathroom for boogiemen and peed in the dark. I didn’t want to draw attention to our room by turning on a light. Every hour my hero was up checking on the car and surveying the parking lot.

Needless to say we didn’t stay to see if a continental breakfast offered. At the crack of dawn we couldn’t check out fast enough. Our fear had gotten the best of us.

Moral of the story, never stay at a motel run by a drug abuser, never under estimate the value of a good night’s sleep, and always keep a trustworthy man close to you.



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