Heat Waves, Neighbors, & The Friend Zone

September 18, 2012 § Leave a comment

We’ve had a heat wave in SoCal, and I say in the bitchiest most elitist way possible, “Why does it feel like the effing valley in Santa Monica? My skin is literally melting.” The problem with living on the breezy beach side of town with a usual constant temperature of PERFECT, is that most homes don’t have air conditioning. My windows have been wide open morning and night for the past month. We’re learning lots of fun things about our neighbors. I now know where the gamers live, the couple’s who fight about dishes, and when that dog next to us is sleeping… and when he’s not. We’re even getting ears on who’s getting lucky… lunch was ruined one day because of overheard afternoon delight. It sounded like she had a very good time.

We aren’t immune to it either. While visiting, my own mother got sushed 3 times over the course of 36 hours. One time was at 9am. On a weekday. Come on people, you should be up at 9am if you’re a self respecting human. And if you work nights, you know not to sush people who aren’t practicing nocturnals. Moments like this have me wishing for winter.

I guess that’s the price of living in the city. There are times I feel myself getting the bit by the Rear Window bug. Just a few days ago I heard my neighbor breaking up with the dude she was seeing over the phone. I heard every word, I even heard him on the other line. Patrick King, my heart goes out to you.

He was too in the friend zone, although he is a legend among her friends as the nicest guy ever. However, “you cant pick who you lust after.” This is the most awkward conversation ever… and yet I listened to the whole thing, and took notes. She asked if it was weird that she called instead of texted. Darling, no. If you aren’t going to provide some sort of alcohol for him to drown his sorrows over the moment you tell him you just don’t want to have sex with him, you must call. Never consider texting. It’s just rude. For Patrick and the purpose of this post, I’m glad you called.

She said “We are just two peas in different pods.” And this gem… “You are going to make me jealous because you are going to make some girl really happy one day.” Then she extends the olive branch, “I still want to hang out at the bar. It is football season. There is going to be a lot of drinking and a lot of bars in my future, maybe I’ll see you at one of them. We’ll party.”

Then she back peddles, too many excuses, “We’re just both funny, maybe thats the problem you can’t  have two funny people.” Sweetheart, Patrick ain’t buying that line. For the future, both Mister Red and I are hilarious and it’s working great.

Then she tries to paint herself as an unattractive option, “I’m a big loser, that’s another thing. Also, I work all the time and am geographically undesirable.” I have to admit, nice word choice. This phone call is of course immediately followed by yelling to her roommate, “Ugggghhhhhhh, I just told Patrick King I wasn’t that into him.” 

So if you or anyone you know knows this Patrick fellow, let’s ban together and try to find this dude a date! Because he’s a really nice guy, who’s funny… and he really took the whole conversation in stride. I mean, come on… I’m not going all Hitchcock and digging up some one’s yard, I’m just trying to the dude laid after he got caught in the friend zone.

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