Dear TIB Readers,
I would like to take this opportunity to clear my good name with this blog post. Most of you may know me as, Mister Red. Others know me as the Chocolate Monster or Indoor Cat. Few know me as the guy who makes the title of this blog a misnomer.
TIB was, at first blush, a cleaver moniker. Intriguing and endearing with it’s bold tag and foto follies. She was my journalist on the front lines of love’s battlefield. And, in a kinky twist, my General at the same time. All these ideas flooded me instantly upon my introduction to The Internet Bachelorette. How silly of me to judge someone prima facie! Isn’t it obvious to every one of you that she is a bachelorette no more?
I turn your attention to two facts.
1. We have shared a roof (and sometimes a toothbrush) for over a year.
2. Though she refuses to acknowledge our relationship on a ‘certain social networking site’ (I won’t name names, lets just say FB for short) I have been ‘In a relationship’ since before I ‘liked’ Archer.
I propose an online name change to something like The Internet Dudette or, Ninja Dino-copter 5000. From that minor offense, back to defending my internet legacy. All you need to know is, there are not other men like me, just me. The C.I.A. taught me how to handle accusations, so I can neither prove, nor deny the occurrences depicted in this publication, except that I do occasionally sun myself on the roof. Yes, like a cat.
However, I will confess one thing. I am a victim of Fried Foods and, Fosters Freeze Syndrome or, 4FS. A rare but delicious affliction where the mind tricks the body into thinking it can eat like an 18 year old tri-sport athlete. Common symptoms include: irritability, increased body heat (hence the midnight shirt stripping), and intense chocoholism. That’s right, I am also a chocoholic. But even though every day is a struggle, it is something I have learned to live with. This disease doesn’t make me a monster, it makes me HUMAN!
In time, I hope to live to see a cure.
In the meantime, back me up and urge her to change the relationship status, it’s but one click away. And while you’re at it, how about suggest a few new titles so my friends don’t think I’m dating a reality TV “star” and my mother thinks better of her. But yes, by all means, keep reading.