Roughage

October 30, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m doing a pretty serious detox this week. Raw food, salt water flushes (maybe a colonic), crazy concoctions only a mad man could come up with. I’m just not feeling my witty self, please forgive.

I am doing this in the name of research, good and other financial reasons. I’m reviewing the cleanse. So we will see. I will forward the link to you with all the gory details.

Until then I’ll be drinking my elixir and staying close to the bathroom.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Birthday to a Walrus

October 26, 2012 § Leave a comment

 

 

He was flattered by his favorite kind of cake.

Blingless

October 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

For the record, there was no proposal. On my hand there are exactly zero diamonds. The only thing Mister Red has taken a knee for lately is the bottom drawer and P90x. Both of us working around the clock to establish our careers haven’t had a day off in over a month and the last “vacation” we took was to drive a vehicle across the country as fast as we could. We’ve committed ourselves to events only as far as Thanksgiving. And we don’t even have a dog.

With the facts laid out for you, what would make anyone think we were getting engaged any time soon? Right. Well, my mother has already started planning the wedding that has yet to be proposed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited both my parents approve of the Irishman I’ve choose, that helps when you live in sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

If you remember, I had some inquires when I recently changed my relationship status on Facebook. Those inquires were family related and directed to my mother. Apparently,  to the older generation, when I changed my relationship status on my social network (despite living together out of wedlock) that meant a ring was around the corner. My mother waited to ask me about it until we were in person. She spoke in a low almost whisper, “do you think he’s going to ask anytime soon, I’d like to prepare your father.” WHAT?! No sooner did I say, “no it’s not happening soon but it will eventually happen,” did we start talking about venues. Exactly the type of conversation I was trying to avoid by not listing my relationship status to the public.

Right there I had to break it to her that I had not envisioned my “big day” at their house in the backyard. Argument ensued. “Well where does Mister Red want to have the wedding?” I don’t know…. he hasn’t asked me to marry him yet!!! Geez. About 24 hours goes by and she brings it up again, having come to terms with the fact that the event will never ever be held at my childhood home. This time she has stipulations about how much she will be able to help if we are across the country and that some how leads to bridesmaid dresses. While we are being candid, I express that I wasn’t sure if I wanted any (I mean, I’ll be over 30, I don’t even know any “maids” now). Blasphemous! She is outraged at my non traditional ideas.

Another few hours goes by and she decides that the bridesmaid battle is something she’ll fight for later. What she really wants to insure now is that I do not have the wedding outside in the summer. It’s too hot. And if I do want to get married outside I shouldn’t plan for the spring because the weather is unpredictable. Which leads her to her next point… I cannot under any circumstances get married during football season. Great… so that leaves the last 2 weeks in February.  Thanks for narrowing that down for us, Ma.

When my parents came to visit Mister Red express his intentions to my father. After all they were staying in our apartment, it was kind of hard to mask that we share a bed every night. He basically said (although more eloquent I’m sure), “I’m broke, but I do want to be bound by law to your daughter.” I have not heard one word from my father on the subject. However, my mother brings up the wedding that has yet to be proposed every time we talk. Her latest idea is that everyone gets a veto. Like this is some sort of matrimonial government. Each of my parents get a veto, each of his parents and both me an Mister Red get one too. How generous. If at anyone one point in the wedding planning process something gets decided that one of the parties does not like they can use their one veto to get their way. I have 2 questions for that. One is: what stops me from using my veto to veto her veto? The other is: why are we discussing this if we aren’t even engaged yet???

Hopefully she’ll get it all out of her system now and then in 7 years (according to Mister Red) when he actually does propose, she’ll be too tired of it all.

 

Things Boys Don’t Understand

October 19, 2012 § Leave a comment

About Girls… two true videos. Holla.

Dear College Girls…

October 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

Sexy Halloween

October 9, 2012 § 6 Comments

Deciding what to be for halloween this year? I thought I’d repost this one a little early this year, not only to get you in the spirit, but also at a PSA. Please don’t be slutting it up this year. Enjoy!

I was minding my own facebook when an ad on my side bar caught my eye. Ready for it… Sexy Watermelon Costume! Are you kidding me?! Come on… Sexy Wa-ter-mel-on?! That’s the last thing we need, pornographic fruit. My curiosity got the best of me, I mean I had to see what exactly a sexy watermelon looked like. Not impressed:

She’s seedless on her rear end, which makes sense. I’m just not seeing how this is an acceptable costume and not a beach cover up. And it sells for $61.95. Some one took a bite out of it! You should at least get a 20% discount for that huge hole.

Apparently erotic fruit is big this year. I saw similar costumes in the strapless mini tube-dress fashion for Sexy Strawberry, Sexy Banana, Sexy Pineapple, even a Sexy Fruit Cup. I would have never determined a pineapple a sexy fruit. Sort of prickly, you know? I don’t want my lover to caress my body with a pineapple. That seems scratchy.

Food in the bedroom is generally sticky. I think this might be a good time to remind ourselves that Halloween does not occur in a bedroom. This is not the venue for a masked orgy like it appears to be. A lingerie clad hussy who claims she’s the Mad Hatter will never win the costume contest, even though drag is usually a big hit. My fellow ladies, you are so concerned with showing skin, you’ve shoved all your cleverness right out the window in exchange for some thigh-high stockings and a bathing suit. Think about it, what guy wants to fuck a bumble bee?

Alright, I’m through lecturing… you know you’re degrading your gender. Anyway, after I oogled the fruit I browsed the rest of the role playing costumes and determined they were just that… lingerie.

At the risk of being an advertisement for this behavior, I thought share some of my favorites. I mean, there are the staples we see year after year in bulk, Sultry SWAT Officer,  Sexy Military Babe, Sexy Pirate, Sexy Sailor Sweetie, Sexy Indian Diva, Sexy Dirty Cop, Super Sexy Maid, Hell To Pay Sexy Devil (actual names). This year we have some pop culture additions, Sexy Black Swan, Racy Red Riding Hood, Sexy Naughty Vampire.  A free pair of panties  with every purchase, like you’re going to even need them. But some you just have to see to beleive….

Sexy After School Special, I’ve seen loin cloths that cover more.

Sexy Party Bunny, That’s a bunny? That’s a bow tie and ears away from a “sorry baby, I know we haven’t had sex in a while” surprise strip tease.

Correct me if I’m wrong…

but are Naughty Minnie Mouse and this Sexy Lady Bug wearing the same itty-bitty teeny-weeny crimson polka-dot bikini?

How embarrassing.

You’re going to take one of Stanly Kubrick’s finest and most frightening character creations, gender neutralize it and make it fuckable?

All professions sexified: Sexy Train Conductor? They’ll slap thigh highs on anything.

Whatever happened to the old fashioned mermaid? You mean to tell me that aquatic babe isn’t sexy enough so someone invented the Sexy Shark, Darling Dolphin, and the Come Find Me Clown Fish. Wait, that’s supposed to be a clown fish?! That’s just something Lady Gaga would wear on a Tuesday.  Or more like Blow Fish. *High Five*

These just isn’t even trying anymore.

Sexy Peacock, you can’t just stick a feather in your hair and become a bird.

Sexy Gem. Oh okay, I get it, JEM and the Holograms.

Breast Cancer Awareness Frisky Leopard. Um… okay… Save the Ta Tas anyway you can.

And this gets a lot of looks I’m sure. “What are you?” “Irish.” Save it for St. Patrick’s Day.

Of all the things you choose to be, you’re a skunk? A Sexy Skunk. Really stinkin’ up the place.

And the Dirty Martini. I can’t. Look at it, just look at it.

* Please note that while yandy.com appreciates the free press I’ve given them, they have demanded this post be accurate. Comedic embellishments have been compromised for accuracy. You may find these costumes and more at http://www.yandy.com/Shopping/products/category_19.asp.

***I also hope that yandy.com remembers they advertised on MY facebook page.


Friends, Waffles, Work

October 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

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