My Parents Said No

November 30, 2012 § Leave a comment


Give Me A Ring…

November 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

And I don’t mean on the phone. I mean on one knee, after you’ve cleared it with my dad. Millions of people do this every year with the aid of an expensive allotrope of carbon on a metal loop and the expression, “gotta nail her down.” How romantic.

In our western culture to be lawfully wedded customarily requires rings. And if you expect me to wear this flashy gem til death do we part you better make it something I like and goes with everything, even a baseball hat. I can’t tell you what I want because it’s supposed to be a surprise, yes? However, as a man who emerges from his closet in questionable outfits I feel the need to spell it out for you. But I’m told that’s tacky.

This is the worst gift giving situation ever. You’re not supposed to ask, I’m not supposed to tell and once it goes on it will never come off. Not to mention just when you think he’s mister right, he starts acting all secretive and money conscious. I have known savvy women who have figured it out, called him on it. And the man, not being able to tell a lie to his lover brakes down, unable to preserve the surprise. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s a silly set of stakes to begin with.

It’s this weird dance of contemporary dual decision making and traditional courtship. I’m sure it takes the pants off the man when I say this, but we decide that you’re going to propose…together. Think about it. You aren’t going though all that trouble of agonizing over a ring then stressing about how to do it if you aren’t even sure I’m going to say yes. Let’s be honest, we’re going to talk about it first and for a while. We’re going to make sure we both want it so no one looks silly.

Am I the only person who thinks that everyone looks so young in their wedding photos? Babies. I still think I’m too young to get married. Correction, I act too young to get married, I’m actually teetering that fine line of being too old to wear a strapless wedding gown and having bridesmaids. Needless to say, if it ever happens, it will be a small affair because at that point all my friends will be wedding-ed out or won’t be able to find a sitter.

But this isn’t about weddings, this is about relationships, and they are a whole lot bigger than a big party with relatives who haven’t see you since you were 2. In leu of the holiday hoopla, get ready for another season of engagements. Brace yourself, facebookers, and get your congratulations ready to fire. And if it’s you, make sure he knows what your want, and what kind of a live you’d like to live together. For ever, and ever, and ever, and ever. On second thought, why not get a dog first?

Starts Out Thankful, Ends Up Black

November 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

Bed Stats

November 20, 2012 § Leave a comment

Although I haven’t combed through horizontal polka variations in a while, a few things I’ve come across lately that let me know I am out of touch society. So in no particular order here are some thoughts on things I cannot unlearned.

I read on the internet (so who knows if this is true) that the average American only has sex 2 to 3 times a MONTH! I know, I thought it was high too… Kidding! Call me an over achiever. They must have included infants in this gross mean. Either that or we just figured out that the government is not the only thing wrong with this country. In the same article I also read that increasing this to just one love session per week brings the bliss factor up to that of making an extra $50,000 per year. Um, I’m pretty sure at this rate I wouldn’t be that blissful with twice that extra cash. Money can’t buy love I guess. The average American’s intimate encounter last 18 minutes. Which only tells me there are a lot of ladies out there who are not properly warmed up.

This same publication also said that couples who like each other have better and more frequent sex. Well I should hope you at least like your partner just a little bit. If not, it might be time for a split. As far as frisky countries the Greeks and Brazilians are up there and the Japanese are on the low end. And Japan lives in the future. Does anyone else see a correlation between technology and getting a little hubba hubba? On the flip side this might be why Greece’s economy is in the toilet. I’ve also learned that the average female has kissed 78 frogs before turning one into a prince. That seems a little high to me. Anyone else kissing that many frogs? I’ve made lip to lip contact with my fair share but not 78. Who are these kissing sluts?

Again, this is data I found online, who knows if it’s true. I did some more digging because fact checking is sacred to me. I’ve found conflicting results so I’m just going with the most shocking and hope that it’s wrong.

84% of women (don’t know how many surveyed) say they have sex to get the man to help around the house. Why don’t we all just do our share. I rather do it to have a happy partner and enjoy myself in the process. What’s wrong with these people?

According to the internet, intercourse can burn anywhere from 84 to 300 calories in a 30 minute session. Conflicting reports considering the average American romp is only lasts 18 minutes. In other words use sex as a two-a-day and don’t skip the workout to be on the safe side.

Among all these confusing stats there is this notion of pansexuality. Kids these days. What the heck is this? It’s like being bisexual in the 90s or bi-curious. I’ll have to admit I heard it (on a New Girl Episode… figures, humor for hipsters) and I had to look it up. I had no clue. Apparently its a name for the attraction you have to people regardless of gender. Basically any person that’s hot they are attracted to. I could say that I’m a pansexual. Doesn’t matter the gender if your hot, I am attracted to you. That’s not it. What turns pansexuals on are belly buttons? Everyone has one. It says they are open to all genders. How many genders are there again? Right, there are two. There’s a few people that are caught in the middle of the two but together they don’t make a third gender? No there are only two genders. After some digging I learned that the opposite of transgender (across) is cigender, meaning that the mind and the body agree, but that still doesn’t clear things up for me on the pansexual preference thing. Maybe thats just it, they don’t have a preference?  Maybe I’m being too black and white about it because I’m a straight girl. It just really makes me mad when people have to put labels on sexuality. Stop competing with the gays, they have a corner on the market and a few real reasons to complain. If I ever hear someone say, “I find that offensive because I’m pansexual,” I will slap them.

Walking Dead Got Me Thinking

November 16, 2012 § Leave a comment


Zombies love minivans for other reasons…

Boardwalk Empire Taught Me…

November 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

Shameless Plugs

November 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

I know most of you are out voting for Roseanne Barr. She would be the funniest person in office since Clinton. I wonder if she stills has that ugly blanket every family in the midwest’s grandma knitted for them? It would be a great addition to the white house decor. Just like this election, a joke. Oh… it’s not a joke? That was the real ballot, and that last debate wasn’t scripted… it’s going to be a long 4 years.

Most of us just want to get this over with so the political propaganda will stop circling on facebook. You got to ask yourself if things are real before you repost… I mean Photoshop is a real thing and just because it’s all in a pretty JPEG and going viral doesn’t mean that it has any truth to it. Use your noodle. Study up on your state’s props and your county’s measures and bring an old fashioned cheat sheet to the polls. No one can pass you the answers to this quiz.

And ENOUGH with the paragraphs of political rants! Save it for watering hole. No one likes to get into arguments about politics more than stool warmers at a pub. Talk to someone who will really listen to your bull shit and properly throw it back in your face.

Today is a day of politics and shameless plugs. While everyone else out there in America it shoving their personal beliefs down your newsfeed, I’m going to shove something better. With the help of some very talented people who didn’t know better and let me boss them around for a while, my website has been revived. And what’s even more awesome than that is the video sketch that I wrote went up yesterday.

While everyone else wants you to pay attention to political propaganda, I’m just asking you to watch and laugh. Enjoy.

Where Am I?

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