Give Me A Ring…

November 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

And I don’t mean on the phone. I mean on one knee, after you’ve cleared it with my dad. Millions of people do this every year with the aid of an expensive allotrope of carbon on a metal loop and the expression, “gotta nail her down.” How romantic.

In our western culture to be lawfully wedded customarily requires rings. And if you expect me to wear this flashy gem til death do we part you better make it something I like and goes with everything, even a baseball hat. I can’t tell you what I want because it’s supposed to be a surprise, yes? However, as a man who emerges from his closet in questionable outfits I feel the need to spell it out for you. But I’m told that’s tacky.

This is the worst gift giving situation ever. You’re not supposed to ask, I’m not supposed to tell and once it goes on it will never come off. Not to mention just when you think he’s mister right, he starts acting all secretive and money conscious. I have known savvy women who have figured it out, called him on it. And the man, not being able to tell a lie to his lover brakes down, unable to preserve the surprise. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s a silly set of stakes to begin with.

It’s this weird dance of contemporary dual decision making and traditional courtship. I’m sure it takes the pants off the man when I say this, but we decide that you’re going to propose…together. Think about it. You aren’t going though all that trouble of agonizing over a ring then stressing about how to do it if you aren’t even sure I’m going to say yes. Let’s be honest, we’re going to talk about it first and for a while. We’re going to make sure we both want it so no one looks silly.

Am I the only person who thinks that everyone looks so young in their wedding photos? Babies. I still think I’m too young to get married. Correction, I act too young to get married, I’m actually teetering that fine line of being too old to wear a strapless wedding gown and having bridesmaids. Needless to say, if it ever happens, it will be a small affair because at that point all my friends will be wedding-ed out or won’t be able to find a sitter.

But this isn’t about weddings, this is about relationships, and they are a whole lot bigger than a big party with relatives who haven’t see you since you were 2. In leu of the holiday hoopla, get ready for another season of engagements. Brace yourself, facebookers, and get your congratulations ready to fire. And if it’s you, make sure he knows what your want, and what kind of a live you’d like to live together. For ever, and ever, and ever, and ever. On second thought, why not get a dog first?


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