The Optimist’s LA

December 3, 2013 § Leave a comment

corgiPeople are haters. Anywhere there is a concentrated number of people there will be a lot of haters. Then there are those asshole optimists spouting all this positive shit into haters faces and it makes the haters hate more.

Those damn optimists, always in your ear when you just want to complain about the weather because you woke up in the middle of a REM cycle, and damn-it, you’re cranky.

You: “Ugh, why is it soooo cold out?!”

Optimist: “Think of it is a ‘wake up’ moment to change your perspective. You could be a polar bear clinging to a melting ice cap.”

You: “But I’m not. I’m me, a human, and it’s not fun being cold.”

Optimist: “It’s through the discomfort of life we find where we are truly blessed.”

You: “You can’t see me flipping you off because I’m wearing mittens.”

Optimist: “If you weren’t blessed with your mittens your fingers would be too cold to express yourself freely.”

The Optimist sucks. Since the people of Los Angeles can’t really complain about the cold, the optimist has to work a little harder. To make all you bitterly freezing northerners feel a tiny bit better, here is the Optimist sticking it to SoCal.

LA Brat: “There is so much smog. It’s disgusting. I can’t see it. I can taste it!”

Optimist: “But after a rainy day it’s like, ‘Surprise mountains!’ and after a windy day you look out over the ocean and think, ‘wait, is that Hawaii? Can I see Hawaii?'”

LA Brat: “There is too much traffic. If I wanted to sit in a parking lot, I’d be getting high before work.”

Optimist: “No better excuse to go ahead and buy that book… on tape! A good book read with a soothing voice makes me look forward to traffic.”

LA Brat: “Everyone is an aspiring actor.”

Optimist: “That’s what makes the dining experience so thrilling. Even your waiter has talent.”

LA Brat: “There is too much hippy bull shit.”

Optimist: “Exploring the likes of yoga, meditation, and holistic healing can calm the soul.”

LA Brat: “The valley is hot as a fat man’s junk sweating it out in a 4th of July spicy hot wing-eating contest.”

Optimist: “It’s a sauna purging impurities of the city and cleansing tinsel town. That’s why there is such a concentrated sector of porn production in the valley. It’s Miley’s crotch leotard getting sweat out of the city.”

LA Brat: “People don’t stand up at concerts.”

Optimist: “After a long week at work, take a load off!”

LA Brat: “There are too many hipsters. Too many beards. Too many ironic t-shirts.”

Optimist: “Who else would we make fun of for our own amusement? Can’t be the Jews, they run this town.”

LA Brat: “History here sucks, there are no cool wars.”

Optimist: “The city is rich in history if you have your anthropologist cap on.”

LA Brat: “The pizza tastes like cardboard and this vegan cheese sucks.”

Optimist: “Just another way the community is urging it’s members to be healthy. Fight obesity!”

LA Brat: “I miss seasons.”

Optimist: “What could be better than fall running directly into spring and visiting the winter in the mountains conveniently on the weekends?”

LA Brat: “People are too fake around here. No one really cares about your indie short.”

Optimist: “Shallow encouragement is better than no encouragement at all.”

LA Brat: “If you aren’t in ‘the industry,’ no one cares what you have to say.”

Optimist: “In that case you are practically a unicorn. Nothing in the industry is cooler than a unicorn.”

LA Brat: “No one is actually from LA.”

Optimist: “Again, unicorns.”

LA Brat: “People around here take healthy too seriously.”

Optimist: “A healthy community is better than one with gang violence.”

LA Brat: “But what about Compton?”

Optimist: “Gangs are a great Lord of the Flies study.”

LA Brat: “Even for you, that’s reaching.”

Optimist: “Success comes from many failures.”

LA Brat: “Go be a fortune cookie somewhere else. I’m not inviting you to get a taco off that truck.”



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