Deep Thoughts by KT Walsh

January 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Before SNL was “On a Boat” or had its “Dick in a Box” there were “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” and if you don’t remember these, it’s past your bedtime. Go to sleep.

These deep thoughts covered a plethora of topics and were funny, poignant, some of them strange, and some of them rude. Which is to say most were pretty brilliant. Fun fact! Jack Handey is a real person who started these musings in 1975 with Steve Martin (if you’re under 23, he’s that white haired guy with the banjo, or you might remember him from “The Pink Panther” 1 & 2, or the romcom classic, “Father of the Bride,” your mother made you watch).

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy went a little something like this:

It would open on the beach, or a flower, or a meadow, or something equally calming. The text would come up on the screen with voice over.

Deep ThoughtIf you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won’t matter that much.

deep-thoughts-by-jack-handey-screen-grab (1)

Much cheaper than getting getting Justin Timberlake’s wig and mutton chops to stay put while on a boat for eight hours.

I make a lot of random notes I think may become brilliant posts that will get me an agent. They don’t. Most of them are just randoms, and nothing worth exploring further. Much like a make out partner at the bar in college. I would like to share them with you now so they don’t shrivel up as tweets somewhere never to be retweeted by a bored teen.

Deep ThoughtSkinny girls are like futons. It’s alright to sleep on a couple when you’re young, but when you’re shopping for long term, you’re going to want a pillow top.  

Deep ThoughtSometimes you just need to really read a Lululemon Bag and argue with it. Seriously, some of those facts are just made up and not real things for real life. 

Deep ThoughtI WILL adjust my boobs. It’s just like when you adjust your balls. And yes there is a chafe risk. 

Deep ThoughtFollowing TEDtalks on Instagram  will always makes you feel like a douche for following Cosmo and Cameron Diaz. Probably should go do something innovative and amazing and not spend one more minute agonizing over who wore it best. 

Deep Thought: If we were all on a mission to be as adorable as possible at all times we all would be corgis. And there would be no war. 

Deep Thought: Quick poops are life’s way of giving you back the extra minutes you spent in traffic. 

Deep Thought: You know you really made it when you’re so rich you have a real excuse to wear really nice pajamas every night of the week. No sweat stained free t-shirts for you. 

Deep Thought: I’m on a similar life path as Brittany Spears. I may have gone completely insane for the later half of my 20s, but I’m pulling it together now. I’ve got a good looking weave. Things are just great.

Deep Thought: At one point or another we can really be happy we didn’t go through with sharing a life with that horrible someone we were so positive we were going to marry one day.

Deep Thought: Hand jobs/blow jobs are basically oil changes for your day to day relationship engine. If you do them as regularly scheduled everything with keep running smooth. If you ignore the sticker on the windshield, prepare to get into an argument over every breath you take. 

Deep Thought: Why have stockings to hang by the chimney with care? Why not just put candy and small gifts in actual socks. That way you have two to open and can wear them later when your feet are cold. 

Deep Thought: The grocery store, at any time, is the worst sampling of humans possible. Everyone is avoiding eye contact, and they are all out to run you over with their cart to get the last bag of baby carrots. 


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