Valentine’s Day is CANCELED

February 12, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m officially canceling Valentine’s Day. No need to half-ass the agonizing details of a romantic evening for two, save that Pintrest board for the nearest birthday and/or anniversary. You are off the hook this year. Don’t worry about trying to concur the hostess at that pricey restaurant, she wasn’t going to do you that favor anyway. In fact the only reservation you were lucky enough to get was a table by the bathrooms at 10pm. And said bitchy hostess made sure to let you know, you were lucky to get even that. You should be more grateful, you stupid procrastinator.


Stop trying to go to places fancier than you to prove devotion to the person you’ve already pledged your devotion to. Don’t buy an unwarranted gift for someone who did nothing special lately. Stop spending money to show emotion. This holiday is ridiculous. Every year it makes my head spin. Why to we do this?! Why?! Valentines are litter bugs!

I love my man more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. I don’t need a day in February to flaunt it. Every year we look at each other and shrug, “what are we doing for Valentine’s day? Why would we be doing anything we wouldn’t normally do?” Neither one of us knows the protocol. It’s kind of awesome because no one will get unreasonably upset when outrageously romantic gestures come out subpar. Flat out, I don’t care.

It’s not because of my lack of enthusiasm, the timing is off. This weekend is not a convenient time in our lives or bank accounts to have an impromptu love trip to Costa Rica. Actually, who has the bank account or time for impromptu central american love voyages anyway? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Our first thought was to avoid the crowds. Valentine’s day on a friday? Do yourself a favor. Don’t leave your house all weekend. It’s going to be a hormonal outrage out there. Loving, fighting, pouting, dead-eyed couples going through the motions, and a lot of single drunkenness followed by bad decisions. Unless you’re into that. In that case, enjoy. Mister Red suggested we curl up at home by the fire to watch the entire second season of House of Cards on Netflix (comes out on Friday, obviously we weren’t the only ones who were going to stay in, Netflix is my kind of media guru). Then work was offered. Offered to both of us. At opposite times. Pretty much the next night we had off together was February 18th.

I am not going to celebrate a holiday that society is shoving down my throat four days late. Some people said they were going to celebrate early, like on Tuesday. What? It’s not a birthday. It’s not Christmas. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Send an ecard and call it a wash. Either it works out or it doesn’t, but don’t be trying to fit a round peg in a heart shaped hole. If you can’t make it happen on the day let that ship sail. Or send an ecard. Possibly flowers if you are an overachiever.

Maybe what we should really consider doing instead of throwing money away on heart shaped boxes of cheap chocolates or balloons shaped like lips is give something your loved one they will really appreciate. Like laundry. Or grocery shopping. Or wash the car. Or the carpets. Or the dog. Whatever shitty chore they always do without complaint, do it for them on the 14th and leave them a love note.

We should all leave more love notes around. In packed lunches, on the bathroom door, means a lot more than some ecard you fwd them from your facebook newsfeed. Furthermore I don’t think Valentines day love should strictly be reserved for romantic relationships. All you single people pack up the pity party and show some love to someone you truly appreciate. A roommate, family member, dear friend, a bunny.

Why isn’t there more of an anti-Valentines Day movement. Surely couples are over it, singles cry over it, kindergartners stress over it (Valentines is not only a hard word to say when you are five but harder to spell and write). This holiday has been blown out of proportion for far too long. It is unrealistic to think your life will magically rise to romantic comedy caliber for 24 hours. After you’ve been wooed, who’s got time for this type of charade? Cupid is an alcoholic baby with terrible archery skills. There is no good judgement there. But if you do get the chance, have some hot sex. That’s about all this holiday is good for. I won’t be canceling that.



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