Death Wishes Disguised as Sports

February 19, 2014 § 1 Comment

Death Wishes Disguised as Sports, or more commonly known as the Winter Olympics, have consumed most of the last two weeks for me.I literally can’t take my eyes off them. It’s been interrupting my sleep schedule. Why is all the good stuff on at 10 pm? Ain’t nobody got time for that. What is my life that I’m sitting there bleary eyed waiting for the final heat of the luge?Death_Wish_large_image

I can’t stop, I won’t stop– what are the kids are saying these days? Oh… #sorrynotsorry.  I’m sorry I am not more sorry about staying up past 11pm on a school night to see if some speed skater will fall and knock the rest of the contenders out like bowling pins. Obviously, I hope everyone stays on their skates/skis/boards/sleds, but if we were honest, the high probability of a total wipeout is what makes these games so entertaining in the first place. That and the speed of everything. Ice is terrible for driving automobiles, but if I really needed to get anywhere fast in the tundra, I’m hopping a bobsled (if Bob doesn’t mind).

Growing up in Michigan, I’m no stranger to snowy conditions, but surely estranged from my toe pick past. After eight years in sunny southern California, I haven’t even seen live snow in 3 years. I’m pretty much oblivious that there is winter, and that it’s actually snowing somewhere. Again, sorry, not sorry. This is probably my main fascination with these games. To my it’s unfathomable people voluntarily spend most of their time in this climate. Who are these masochists? Most winter athletes have been in the emergency room the week before (or even day of) their event. People have broken limbs and been in comas just weeks before competing. If you are in a coma, don’t go back to do the thing that put you in a coma. It’s like an unspoken coma rule. The arenas for these events make even regular things (like walking or blinking) 10 times more dangerous.

When I think of a big oval shaped slab of ice, I think of a Canadian doormat. These sports are played out on giant Canadian doormats, larger than life snow cones, and an oversized ice luge shot thing you see at frat parties or your out of control neighbor unveils after the sun goes down at his daughter’s graduation party. I’ll admit, I was not 21 when I had my first shot on an ice luge (which is, by the way, the most unflattering manner to consume alcohol). Everything is faster on ice, even Jagermeister. Basically, these thrill seekers aren’t fans of their lives, and they could care less about their knees. However, I’ve got other thoughts about these dances with death.


Hockey: The only thing that I will accept as a slightly rational winter sport is hockey. There’s checking, slapping, hat tricks, just the lingo is exciting. These dudes wear their insanity on their sleeve. No one is hiding the effed up grill. Lose a tooth? Who cares? This is hockey. It’s high speed, the rules are pretty cut and dry, the team objective blatant. Hockey players might just have anger issues and not death wishes.

Downhill Skiing: These are the people with all the letters going to God. One slip on the mountain and it’ll split your head open. We all gasped when that chick’s helmet broke. The very thing protecting her head couldn’t hold up to the gforce. Or how about how the first 8 female contenders couldn’t even make it down the mountain without biting it. What’s with the skier who’s obsessed with cheetahs and how come that one American chic was bitterly crying when she got bronze? Aren’t you lucky to be walking, let alone skiing, after 2 torn acls?

Snowboarding: These dudes in their baggy pants and their loud music are pretty much making up random shit to do at this point. Snowboarding Cross? What the hell? Racing on snowboards? This is a sport in the Olympics and woman couldn’t ski jump til this year? Snowborders are that ADHD case in 3rd grade who’s one candy bar away from throwing a brick at someone as a joke. Why do they all dog pile each other? Didn’t that Slopestyle kid say he ate candy and pizza the night before he won gold and winged it down the mountain? He sounds more like a ninja turtle than an athlete.

Slopestyle: It’s like skiing meets figure skating without all the pretty stuff in between and jumping basketball courts in the meantime.

Cross Country: NBC typically has these events on during the day because the excitement level is at a minimum. However, I’m not exactly sure what event it was, some ski jumping combo, but the way these dude were waddling uphill on their trek to the finish line (which is, like, 8k) was hysterical. I couldn’t stop giggling. It got me every time. It was like watching toddlers try to run in their father’s shoes. Also, holy upper body endurance. Nordictrack is no joke. And then they all collapse at the finish line from exhaustion. No dog piles of joy in this event, just men writhing around on the snow in unitards.


Speed Skating: Do you think skaters hold gigantic grudges to people who wipe out and take out half the contenders? What happens when the skaters have to skate the other direction around the track? Is it like dizzy bat race? Their uniforms are the most alien of all. Speed skaters look like thighs with glasses.

Skeleton: It’s freaking called the Skeleton because they might not be able to find all of yours if you don’t make it to the bottom. You go down head first (head first!) at 100mph on a freaking sled. The Luge is practically first class travel comparatively.

Curling: Curling is winter for bowling. No one knows why it’s players are still considered athletes. Are we going to call this one a hobbie already? These curlers are one beer away from an Elks Club tourney.

Figure Skating: It’s the only event on its period. Year after year, so much emotion, lots of scandal, and the occasional knee bashing. Ice dancing has little danger as it stands next to it’s triple axeling sisters of skating. It’s kind of a joke. I got bored. I didn’t miss my bedtime that night. It’s just glorified Dancing with the Stars except without the tinsel of Hollywood. However, Michigan is apparently the mecca of Ice Dancing. They are probably sorry they aren’t  sorry. Got to root for my home state and it’s dancing queens.

Bobsled: Have you seen these men? Huge lean linebackers drag race down ice. If you are going to nudge anyone on Tinder go for the bobsled team.

Russians have been good hosts. Everyone pretty much forgot they couldn’t flush their bathroom tissue halfway though the opening ceremony. I personally was biting my teeth. How were they going to depict Stalin? Are they going to drop that little girl to make an example? There were a lot of questions, but I thought it was pretty amazing they got the ballet involved and suspended set pieces as big as buildings. Too bad all anyone could talk about was that ring that didn’t open in the beginning.


That ring isn’t the only thing ruffling the fur lined hoods of our Olympians. Sochi weather is a joke. There is more winter in Massachusetts’ little toe. Sean White ain’t having it. His tight pants were all bunched about the Russian facilities. I say a true champion can succeed in any condition. They might not set world records, but they will rise to the challenges. Coma boy didn’t back down. Also these sports mean nothing without the unpredictable weather. It’s not like we can call up God and tell her to lay fresh powder on the mountain 10 mins before the event starts. I mean, it’s a mountain, it’s pretty amazing it’s making its own climare to begin with.

None the less, the US has earned some solid bronze metals in these games. And I look forward to seeing how Putin is going to punish his hockey team and the STD statistics of the Olympic Village. Even Bob Costas with his pirate eye said that they were all young, single, and in the best shape of their lives. Maybe that’s how he got the eye infection? EW!?!!?! Why would I say that?!?!?! #sorrynotsorry





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