The weather is changing and the east coast finally can see the light at the end of the tundra, while the left coast gets a taste of an 80 degree blast. Summer is around the corner. I wanted to reiterate the fashion faux pas accompanying warmer weather before things get out of control in the coming months. This PSA was originally posted August 1st 2012 after I had seen far too much ass. I hope this warning serves you well. Remember: sharing is caring.
You know that dream you sometimes have about showing up somewhere naked? Oh wait. This is real, and your ass is hanging out of those shorts. I know it’s summer and all, but have some class. Sexy never equaled naked and naked always equals porn. As a general rule if you leave your house feeling exposed, you probably are. Save it for the bedroom, we aren’t all Pussycat Dolls.
I’ve been growing increasingly perturbed as the summer goes on. I know it’s nothing new, and probably just a juvenile way of expressing the hormonal changes a young lady might be experiencing, but bitch, please. Every girl, no matter the age or body type, should know these rules. Always, a lady in the street.
1. Who wears short shorts? Strippers do, and they don’t wear them for long. If your cheeks are hanging out, those aren’t shorts. And those people gasping as you pass aren’t in awe of your hot ass, it’s that they know somewhere you have a mom who would be upset you’re showing off your fanny to the world. It’s just inviting backdoor bullies.
2. Don’t slip a nip. Sure chiffon is in, but if you can see nipple, probably wear a bra. Testing and experiments should be conducted in all types of lighting before you leave the house sans over-the-shoulder-bolder-holder. Heaven forbid it should rain.
3. Don’t do crack. If you can’t sit with out the paranoia of your crack hanging out, or bend over without give a free peepshow, consider purchasing pants with a higher rise. You don’t want to advertise your coin slot to unwanted guests. Butt cleavage was never fully accepted and is still equated with an overweight plumber. Know better.
4. Cleavage check. A plunging neckline shouldn’t go to your belly button. Not to mention the incredible risk of wardrobe malfunction. Come on… leave something to the imagination.
5. Sit like a lady. The length of your skirt, and what you wear under it is an important consideration to ponder when dressing for a night at the club while consuming alcohol. If your skirt rides up, everyone gets a show. Don’t take the gamble.
6. Belly Dancing. Pretty sure the beach is still the only appropriate place to bare the midriff. Or at the gym, if you’re really that ripped. Maybe a hot summer day gardening in your backyard or a reasonable inch or two when your arms are raised, but a bra is not an appropriate thing to wear to a baby shower, dinner, date, luncheon, drinks, grocery shopping, etc.
7. Sideboob is not fashion. It’s only if you have the proper photographer and your breasts are of perfect shape a perk. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it should be reserved for celebrities in evening gowns and pinups airbrushed in magazines. If you fall into neither category, shy away.
8. If you feel like a sausage, you probably look like one. Yes there is a such a thing as too tight. I’d rather not see what you ate for dinner lingering beyond that dress.
9. If you aren’t on dancing with the stars, don’t dress like it. This might be a formal wear issue, but it’s still relevant. If it looks like a costume, consider your character.
…And whatever you do, don’t wear any of these in your profile pic.
THIS HAS BEEN A PSA OF TIB.