Get Married, The Government Wants You To.

April 24, 2014 § Leave a comment

My balloon has been deflated. With the recent tax season wrapped up, it has been called to my attention that getting married is more about finances, GNP, and reproduction, than it is about love. Well, love is a given. Love is how it all starts out, sadly only 50% end the same way. Did I burst your bubble too? Allow me to explain.


In my household, Mister Red and I have a Mmm: Monthly Money Meeting (no, not because we are nerds, but because we want to retire one day. Get with the program people). This month we got hit with taxes, our health and car insurance premiums were raised and then we made the mistake of calculating how much money we would save if we were married. Let’s just say, it’s enough.

Need another example of how being single in the eyes of the law is hurting your personal economy? I will tell you of a different tale. A friend of mine (+boyfriend) is looking to sell her condo to buy a house. Ideally, the house would be in his name, but he can’t get a loan without her help. She can’t help him unless they are married.

We should just own up to it and get all tribal about it. Every father mans up and sells his daughter into a wealthy family with a good cow.

There are a other reasons to get married besides the financial ones. For one… green cards. If you want to live, work freelance, be the next Top Chef, you need to be married to an American. I knew  a wardrobe stylist who found her green card husband on craigslist. People do these things. Also, if you were committing mass murders, the both of you can’t be tried for the same crime. You’d have an ally on the outside when you went all Orange is the New Black (btw: when is season 2 coming out?). Fun fact: there are 1,136 other federal benefits, rights, and protections to being married in the US.

Back to “the government is financially forcing you into nuptials” part. So I  was me… watching Cosmos the other night (and you should be too) when ol’ Neil deGrasse Tyson mentions a smart French dude who did the math to figured out each loving couple must have 4 kids to keep the population going. Human life depends on it! To be more clear, this inflation in the kid to parent ratio is for those people who can’t have kids and those other people who hate kids.

Last time I checked having a kid can really suck the life out of you. It’s like losing a leg (and apparently winning the lottery at the same time). Say you are a country who has their Gross National Product to worry about. Here you are, big bad country of Y.O. of U., how do promote severing a perfectly good leg to make and raise little baby citizens? Same way you prevent a kid from throwing a tantrum in the toy aisle. Incentives. Chocolate flavored incentives? No. Money flavored. Offer citizens who just fell in love tax incentives to get married. They will be so starry eyed by their hormones, they will just agree to spending a lifetime of fidelity with one other person (even if they don’t fully mean it). First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the future workforce of your country in the baby carriage.


This is why the government doesn’t want gays to get married and could give a shit less about the divorce rate. Actually, the government’s panties are so in a wad about two dudes marching down a wedding aisle, they FORBID it. Why? Well, you can’t make a spark with two outlets.  Two lesbians could never make the next Wall Street Stock Broker with identical equipment down there. Because of the resourcefulness of the gay community, certain freedoms, and free enterprise, same sex couples have found ways to acquire kids without governmental assistance, but not the tax break for having a nuclear family.

Mister Red and I are undecided on creating offspring, but we are leaning toward getting married sooner than later for financial purposes. We might just decide to Kobayashi Maru the government: get married, then NOT have kids. We get the tax break, but we won’t reward the man with future grocery baggers. Like we were sticking it to the government for the gays.




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