April 29, 2014 § Leave a comment
REPEAT ALERT: This was originally posted in June of 2012. I have been out of the Reality TV Business for almost 2 years, and it still feels [explicative] amazing!
You’ll have to hang in there while I get back into the game here. I have the Hollywood Hangover. When you finish a show and are just exhausted, emotionally drained yet amped enough to punch someone. This is where the majority of the crime comes from in this town. You want to sleep for days but you either wake up at funny hours or have constant work dreams. It takes weeks for you to feel back on your feet/normal, adrenal glands pleading for rest. Then you start a new job…
Not me, not this girl. Yes, that’s right, I’m getting off the reality show marry-go-round. Now that I’m making my unofficial exit, I think I’ll start my tell-all book about the real reality TV and see if I can get money from the conglomes to not publish it. Kidding.
I thought it would be fun to give my final OTF. In TV talk that means On the Fly [interview]. OTF’s are the little pieces of interviews you see when a reality personality is discussing the event that is happening on your screen. It’s usually the voice over to an activity, or event, or drama. And the person usually appears to be standing. A girl crying in a van after she didn’t get a flower saying, “I really love him, I just hope she doesn’t hurt him. Boo hoo hoo.” That’s a final OTF. See, you learned something today. So this is my final OTF. Uncut.
Producer: Tell me why you’re leaving reality TV?
TIB: Because I’m done.
Producer: Okay, now tell me in a full sentence why you’re leaving. Say: I’m leaving reality TV… then tell me why and how you feel about it.
TIB: I’m leaving reality TV because I’m done. And I feel happy about it.
Producer: Okay, great! Now tell me, just like you did, but this time tell me the events that lead up you “being done.” But in a full sentence.
TIB: But I’m just done. There isn’t much to it.
Producer: Sure there is. You’re doing great. You got this. There has to be a reason why, or a person you didn’t like, or something holding you back? Tell me why. You’re doing great.
TIB: I just didn’t get my film degree to interview numb-nuts and work 18 hours a day.
Producer: Perfect! Now say that again but start with, “I’m leaving reality TV because…” and then say what you just said.
TIB: I’m leaving reality TV because I didn’t get a film degree to interview people and work a lot. — wait, I messed that up. What did I say before?
Producer: No you didn’t, you’re doing great, doing great. You said, “I just didn’t get my film degree to interview numb-nuts and work 18 hours a day.” Go ahead. Whenever you’re ready.
TIB: I’m leaving reality TV because I just didn’t get my film degree to interview attention whores and work 18 hours a day. I have a boyfriend, and friends, and a family I never see because either I don’t have the money or I don’t have the time.
Producer: How are you feeling about your decision?
TIB: I’m feeling great about my decision. It was a little scary at first, but I think it’s for the better.
Producer: Great, this is great. Do you think because you don’t have the time or the money, that’s the reason why you’re not married and don’t have kids? In a complete sentence.
Producer: Do you think working in reality TV is to blame for not being married or having any kids?
TIB: Well, I have a pretty solid birth control method. That’s why I don’t have a kid.
Producer: What about not being married? You’ve have a few long term boyfriends, and this Mister Red seems like a catch. Is reality TV the reason why you’re not married?
Producer: You just said you didn’t have time or money. Could that be to blame for your “single” status?
TIB: I’m The [EXPLETIVE] Internet Bachelorette, I’m not married because I’m [EXPLETIVE] awesome! Reality TV has nothing to do with being [EXPLETIVE] awesome. I just met the love of my life 2 years ago… I need time, lay off me.
Producer: Okay, great. That’s a great answer. Now that you’re out of reality TV do you think you and Mister Red will get married?
TIB: We might–
Producer: Start with, Now that I’m out of reality TV Mister Red and I…
TIB: Now that I’m out of reality TV Mister Red and I probably will enjoy our new barbeque for a while and not worry about it.
Producer: Not worry about what?
TIB: We’ll probably just enjoy our new barbeque for a while and not worry about marriage.
Producer: Good enough. I think we’re good here. Let’s wrap it up.
TIB: Wait! Aren’t you going to ask me about what I’m going to do for money? Or my writing?
Producer: Oh sure, we can do that. What are you doing next? How will you make money?
TIB: I’m getting certified to teach Pilates and other fitness classes. This will also afford me not only time to write, but time for family and friends.
Producer: Will you still write TIB after you’re engaged?
TIB: I’m not getting [EXPLETIVE] engaged anytime soon. Where are you getting this?
Producer: But why would you keep writing TIB if you weren’t a Bachelorette anymore?
TIB: Maybe I’ll start a new blog. I don’t know. I don’t have it all figured out. Right now, I’m not engaged to be married to anything. But I am engaged in living my life and achieving my goals, writing for TIB or writing scripts or writing articles. Just writing. [EXPLETIVE] writing all the time.
Producer: Okay, great. We’re done. (under breath to AP) Let’s make a note to cut that last part out about Pilates and all that writing. It’s too real, too boring. We’ll put the rest of it over her crying to her boyfriend after she killed baby birds “accidentally.” I think the food poisoning and working from the bathroom is too graphic, unless we can make it look like she was drunk. Whatever, we made our day. We’ll fix it in post.
Truth is, I got a little misty as I watched the last reality moment I produced unfold with romance, fireworks, passionate kissing wrapped in a blanket in the middle of field. But that all changed the second the chick got into her final OTF and asked me the name of the guy she had just been making out with for the last half hour. Yeah, I’m done.
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