May 27, 2014 § 2 Comments
This was originally posted 1/24/12, but with Basketball play-offs and baseball season what-have-you going on, I felt a reminder was in order.
I expect this from the guys, but ladies… this is an outrage, and it’s gone on for too long. You know what I’m talking about: long lines, clogged toilets, and bitches puking.
Sunday I spent some time at a sports bar. I actually like football, I wasn’t there to flirt with dude/bros in my extra small little boy’s jersey I cut up to show my cleavage. I wasn’t there to accompany Mister Red just to text the whole time then get into an argument ending in tears because he won’t leave at halftime. I was there to watch a couple of the most exciting football games of the year. I didn’t have to paint my face with the team symbol, sit on laps, or drink too many vodka tonics to enjoy myself. It’s fucking football, it’s awesome even in pajamas.
I’m getting off topic. This isn’t about the spray tanned queens with half their butt cheeks hanging out (you know who you are). This is about a public facility in an establishment that offers alcohol. You will never see bathrooms in the Natural History Museum looking like the cesspool most bars do two hours after opening. It’s the Ladies room, you should act like one.
Lady (noun) can be defined as: a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman. This is not someone you have to follow into the lavatory armed with a plunger and wearing safety goggles. Why does it look like wild beasts have been using the same toilets as five foot nothings in pink chiffon? You tell me.
I’d like to discuss some preventative measures in an effort to make bathroom breaks after a couple cocktails more rewarding for everyone across the board.
1. Stop clogging the toilets! Sometimes drinking a lot of beer makes you shit, but I hardly beleive these skinny bitches are each laying dumbo sized deuces stopping up every available john in the place. I’m all for being sanitary and laying delicate pieces of toilet paper down for your expensive yoga tush to rest on seems like the best option, but most septic tanks can’t handle the volume. You do chair pose for a reason. Now put it into practice and SQUAT! Or hover, whichever you prefer. You’re going to be working off your drinking calories, keeping your ass clean, respecting the future intermissions of other women, as well as trimming your piss time for those waiting behind you. Which brings me to my next point…
2. Don’t hold up the line! The buddy system is great for most things, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been relieving my bladder in private since I was two. I don’t need any help with this one. I will never understand how two people going into one stall makes the task “really quick.” Especially because I can hear every word of your conversation and know that one of you has her pants down. “Gasp! I love that thong! I have the same one in black.”
3. Don’t be gross. If you are old enough to drink you know that it sucks when you drink too much. What sucks even more is drinking too much in public. Drunk and Disorderly citations exist for a reason and should be handed out to every lightweight who cuts the line, and holds up the line (#2) because she can’t handle her liquor or her emotions. This also clogs the toilet (#1). No one wants to dodge the kamikaze barbie because she “forgot to eat” before she guzzled 12 tequila shots. Not disposing of your feminine hygiene products properly also falls into this category. If you are old enough to get your period, be a woman and take care of it.
4. Don’t be bitchy. You never know who’s standing next to you or in the stall. It’s okay you can smile and laugh, we’re all in the same shitty situation doing the same dirty deed. You can’t be that up tight if you are out to clog a toilet.
5. Check yourself, don’t wreck yourself. Mirror is there for you to make sure you don’t have lettuce in your teeth, not recreate your entire primping ritual. This includes making everyone else uncomfortable as you complain about your thighs. If you felt self-conscious you should have worn a little more than a washcloth and some pasties.
6. Freely warn others. If you come out of a bathroom that is without toilet paper or has been defecated beyond comfort, give the the next gal a heads up. Please note #4 and add a joke to ease tension. It’s okay to talk to strangers when you are being nice.
7. Lady in the street, freak in the bed. You know what I mean. I don’t want to piss where you just had sex. I’m going to hover, after all. And if you really need that quickie, use the Men’s, they are less likely to talk shit about your slutty behavior behind your back.
8. Wash your hands, and dispose of waste. Kindergarteners have more sense and courtesy. Throw away your used paper towel. You know it doesn’t belong on the ground. Have some respect. Someone will eventually have to clean up this mess, you spoiled brat.
9. Keep it in the sink. This is not the time nor the place for a water fight. This counter, I’m going to want to put my purse up here while I wash my hands and put on lip gloss. However, after your private wet t-shirt contest I can’t. It’ll ruin my vintage Gucci. This may be the local watering hole, but you are not an animal.
10. For god sakes, flush! Enough said.
Alright Smarty Snatches, I’m going to ask you to respectfully, and sincerely to tweet, retweet, post, repost, share and share again. And all those other internet things you do. This is a serious issue, girls. Things are starting to look worse than a gas station restroom at a rest stop that doesn’t have running water. It’s the Ladies room, you should act like one.
May 13, 2014 § 1 Comment
Previously posted: Oct 24, 2011 but still relevant today.
Ladies, back me up. Those few days when the PMS is at its peak: bloating, break-outs, mood-swings, cramps etc, it’s distracting. Like at any moment… red tide. It’s a scary time. Some gals get more of one symptom than another, we’re all different but the hormones are the same.
My body’s symptom of choice is the great swell and sore of the sweater puppies. Seriously, I look like a cartoon character days before my monthly visitor. Va-va-va-voom. If I weren’t so cranky it would be a great time to take my car into the shop. Crash test dummy right into these airbags. It’s the week I double up on sports bras at the gym and go for low impact exercises. I got to strap ‘em down or they will take over. Despite arousal from others elicited by these firm melons, I feel bloated and gross so the only touch I desire is a mammary massage. But if he can get off on that, be my guest.
But why do the hooters hurt so much? I know most things that swell up are also sore, side effect of inflammation. The question is: what are these hormones doing in there to cause the swelling like clockwork every time I have a bloody mary? So I did some research and I got some answers.
“Breast tissue often feels dense [duh] causing a persistent sense of breast fullness [more than you know] with dull pain and tenderness [exactly, yes!]. During the menstrual cycle, estrogen production increases and peaks just prior to mid-cycle. This causes enlargement of the breast ducts [whoa there, the ducts are enlarging?]. Premenstrually, progesterone peaks near the 21st day (in a 28-day cycle) and causes growth of the breast lobules or milk glands [excuse me?]. Premenstrual breast tenderness and swelling probably occur to some degree in nearly all women. Symptoms severe enough to cause concern or limit function may occur in many women during their childbearing years [oh shit, that’s me, they even raised my insurance premium because of it]. The rate may be lower in women taking birth control pills [diaphragm all the way, bitches]. Risk factors may include family history, a high-fat diet, and too much caffeine [whoops].”
So there you have it, your jugs are just getting a work out in case a baby wants to happen. Do you think boobs get disappointed when they realize nothing was conceived? Like they look at each other and shrug, “All that work, Alice, month after month. She’s tricked us again. I know she’s doing the deed, I got the word from Mary down there.”
The other one keeps faith, “One of these days she’s gonna slip up and do something stupid. Just watch, Gayle. Then we’ll really be in business.”
Yeah, I just named my boobs Alice and Gayle. It’s fine. They are pretty awesome just as they are: working hard, or hardly working.
May 6, 2014 § Leave a comment
Every day you open your eyes to emerge from your subconscious slumber party to play the lottery. There are many, many different lotteries you encounter in your lifetime. From the mundane every day activities to generational movements. In fact, even before you were born, you had already been entered to play.
Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner:
Lucky Sperm Club – You won the jackpot at conception. Your parent’s were wealthy, and not like doctor/lawyer wealthy (not that those are bad hands to be dealt). Your folks were enterprise, family business, royalty, celebrity wealthy. They own things that make them a shit ton of cash without lifting a baby toe, and one day you will own those things. Your parents are set for life, you are set for life, even your grandchildren will be riding high until the apocalypse.
Green Light Haven – That day you hit all the green lights in a row because you left your house at the exact right time, and there were zero traffic accidents en route. By the fourth one you’re cheering, by the fifth one you’re wondering if you’re the new star of the Truman Show.
Sunny Day Spree – Perfect weather on long weekends, vacations, important galas and outdoor events. Takes any good day, and turns it into a GREAT day.
Parking Spot Glory – Just when you think you’re going to have to spend 20mins scouring the block for cheap or even free parking (yeah, it feels the same way when you land on it playing monopoly), you spy with your little eye an available spot. It’s practically glowing. And double bonus coins, it’s twelve steps from your destination.
Lucky In Love Lineup – You’ve never had trouble finding a date, always got along with the opposite sex, and random people complement you on your good looks. You’re probably a serial monogamist on your way to practically tripping over your one true soulmate when you attend a unicorn’s birthday party. Being well liked and attractive is super easy for you.
I Ran Into My Best Friend Crew – Just out at random places, vacations, eateries, checking out new neighborhoods, or at Bed Bath and Beyond and you spot people you absolutely adore. Happy accidents.
Dumb Luck Catapulted Me Into My Dream Job Alliance – You had been told that “success happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Opportunity comes in many forms, but you weren’t sure you believed it until that hollywood producer saw you at the bank on the day you let your neighbor try a new hair do on you. BOOM! Discovered. Or a potential investor rear ends you on a residential street. Or when you casually chat with a stranger after Pilates class only to realize you’ve just met your business partner. Or, holy crap… you went viral (in the internet way!), #hashtag #youaretrending and now YouTube is paying you six figures to make a crappy video every week.
We’ve Always Had The Internet Team – People talk about it, but you can’t remember a time before cell phones or wifi.
No One Know’s What To Say In The Loser’s Locker Room:
Hit By a Bus Union – Or bit by a shark, or struck by lightening, or any other freak accident that leaves scars and debt.
Thievery Victim’s League – Wallet stolen? House invaded? Car window smashed and tape deck ripped out? No you weren’t “just asking for it” you just lost this round. It’s life tax on other life lottery winnings.
Wrong Side of Tracks Corp – You might have turned to selling drugs to support your rap career, or open a barber shop. Maybe you don’t have some of your teeth. Or you had to walk 5.8 miles to school up hill both ways with only a baked potato to warm your hands, and then you ate the potato for lunch.
Close Proximity To The Loud Talker/Laugher/Breather Franchise – You have randomly selected the seat directly in front of someone obnoxious who is either unaware of their own volume or is craving attention. This could be at a movie theater, concert, sporting event, yoga class, stage play, lecture, retreat, awards ceremony, public transport, or church. “Peace be with you.” “And also– AND ALSO WITH YOU.” Hate that guy. This is a sub-sect to the Close Proximity To The Smelly Kid Group. It’s also a double whammy if you’ve paid a considerable amount of money to be there.
You Got Pests Cloud – Or termites, or rats, or bed bugs, or other pests that you have to remove via traps, money, exterminator, or fumigation. And it’s gross. Also it could be your neighbor’s fault and you got hit with it by migration.
Weak Immune System Spells – Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re being flushed. It seems like no matter how stress free, clean, heathy you aim to be you get cold after flu after lower intestinal trauma. (either that or my friends are lying to get out of spending time with me).
Bull Shit Traffic Ticket Squad – That cop was just being a dick and this $500 moving violation will feed his 3 daughters for a while and maybe contribute to a new park bench.
Low Income Allergy – When you aren’t raking it in because you weren’t inducted into the Lucky Sperm Club, your low income is like having an allergy. People ask you to go on tropical vacations, destination weddings on farms, exploring ancient ruins, long weekends in grasslands at dusty B&Bs, fancy dinners with shellfish and peanuts and it’s like you are allergic to those things. You can’t go because of your low income hay fever.
There are many more I’m sure. Let me know what jackpot’s you’ve won. #lifelottery on twitter, instagram, Facebook and tag @KT_Smash too!