Lottery of Life

May 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Every day you open your eyes to emerge from your subconscious slumber party to play the lottery. There are many, many different lotteries you encounter in your lifetime. From the mundane every day activities to generational movements. In fact, even before you were born, you had already been entered to play.


Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner: 

Lucky Sperm Club – You won the jackpot at conception. Your parent’s were wealthy, and not like doctor/lawyer wealthy (not that those are bad hands to be dealt). Your folks were enterprise, family business, royalty, celebrity wealthy. They own things that make them a shit ton of cash without lifting a baby toe, and one day you will own those things. Your parents are set for life, you are set for life, even your grandchildren will be riding high until the apocalypse.

Green Light Haven – That day you hit all the green lights in a row because you left your house at the exact right time, and there were zero traffic accidents en route. By the fourth one you’re cheering, by the fifth one you’re wondering if you’re the new star of the Truman Show.

Sunny Day Spree – Perfect weather on long weekends, vacations, important galas and outdoor events. Takes any good day, and turns it into a GREAT day.

Parking Spot Glory – Just when you think you’re going to have to spend 20mins scouring the block for cheap or even free parking (yeah, it feels the same way when you land on it playing monopoly), you spy with your little eye an available spot. It’s practically glowing. And double bonus coins, it’s twelve steps from your destination.

Lucky In Love Lineup – You’ve never had trouble finding a date, always got along with the opposite sex, and random people complement you on your good looks. You’re probably a serial monogamist on your way to practically tripping over your one true soulmate when you attend a unicorn’s birthday party. Being well liked and attractive is super easy for you.

I Ran Into My Best Friend Crew – Just out at random places, vacations, eateries, checking out new neighborhoods, or at Bed Bath and Beyond and you spot people you absolutely adore. Happy accidents.

Dumb Luck Catapulted Me Into My Dream Job Alliance – You had been told that “success happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Opportunity comes in many forms, but you weren’t sure you believed it until that hollywood producer saw you at the bank on the day you let your neighbor try a new hair do on you. BOOM! Discovered. Or a potential investor rear ends you on a residential street. Or when you casually chat with a stranger after Pilates class only to realize you’ve just met your business partner. Or, holy crap… you went viral (in the internet way!), #hashtag #youaretrending and now YouTube is paying you six figures to make a crappy video every week.

We’ve Always Had The Internet Team – People talk about it, but you can’t remember a time before cell phones or wifi.


No One Know’s What To Say In The Loser’s Locker Room: 

Hit By a Bus Union – Or bit by a shark, or struck by lightening, or any other freak accident that leaves scars and debt.

Thievery Victim’s League – Wallet stolen? House invaded? Car window smashed and tape deck ripped out? No you weren’t “just asking for it” you just lost this round. It’s life tax on other life lottery winnings.

Wrong Side of Tracks Corp – You might have turned to selling drugs to support your rap career, or open a barber shop. Maybe you don’t have some of your teeth. Or you had to walk 5.8 miles to school up hill both ways with only a baked potato to warm your hands, and then you ate the potato for lunch.

Close Proximity To The Loud Talker/Laugher/Breather Franchise – You have randomly selected the seat directly in front of someone obnoxious who is either unaware of their own volume or is craving attention. This could be at a movie theater, concert, sporting event, yoga class, stage play, lecture, retreat, awards ceremony, public transport, or church. “Peace be with you.” “And also– AND ALSO WITH YOU.” Hate that guy. This is a sub-sect to the Close Proximity To The Smelly Kid Group. It’s also a double whammy if you’ve paid a considerable amount of money to be there.

You Got Pests Cloud – Or termites, or rats, or bed bugs, or other pests that you have to remove via traps, money, exterminator, or fumigation. And it’s gross. Also it could be your neighbor’s fault and you got hit with it by migration.

Weak Immune System Spells – Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re being flushed. It seems like no matter how stress free, clean, heathy you aim to be you get cold after flu after lower intestinal trauma. (either that or my friends are lying to get out of spending time with me).

Bull Shit Traffic Ticket Squad – That cop was just being a dick and this $500 moving violation will feed his 3 daughters for a while and maybe contribute to a new park bench.

Low Income Allergy – When you aren’t raking it in because you weren’t inducted into the Lucky Sperm Club, your low income is like having an allergy. People ask you to go on tropical vacations, destination weddings on farms, exploring ancient ruins, long weekends in grasslands at dusty B&Bs, fancy dinners with shellfish and peanuts and it’s like you are allergic to those things. You can’t go because of your low income hay fever.

There are many more I’m sure. Let me know what jackpot’s you’ve won. #lifelottery on twitter, instagram, Facebook and tag @KT_Smash too!


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