Not One of THOSE Brides

September 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

No, I’m not going to be one of those brides. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones in that Cosmo article that you read before you found “the one” because you just couldn’t stomach another one of your friend’s showing off their bling all over Facebook. That jezebel article that you “stumbled upon” the 7th time you were asked to be a bridesmaid in one year. The girls who hashtag “blessed” or “luckiest girl in the world” or “love him” incessantly  (26.2 million instagram tags, precisely). We get it, he’s #thebest.

These are little girlfriend-zillas and once they have a ring on it (#helikeditsoheputaringonit) mature into bridezillas. These people make their bridesmaids give up their trendy pixie cuts and get spray tans. These are the ladies who buy $12,000 dresses, then trash it for a photo shoot. These are the women who throw tantrums until their father’s hand over credit cards. You might have seen some of these on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. These girls are batshit. Batshit without a budget.


Good news! If you have a budget, you are a normal bride who’s not annoying everyone around her. Unless you keep saying “We”. We really think hot pink flowers for centerpieces. We think the ring bearer should wear a sign that says ring security. We think bachelor parties are tacky. Said no man EVER. Don’t insert him into these worries unless it’s a little more believable.

Other things that annoy people: Thinking you’re a princess. Play by play wedding planning on Facebook. Countdowns until you marry your best friend. Posting boudoir shots you got him for xmas. Ring pic as a profile pic. A ring pic every time you “still can’t believe it.” Actually ring pics in general. Arguing with your mother in public places. Yelling/screaming excitedly about various states of planning. Always changing the topic back to your wedding (especially when no one else is asking). Mandatory expenses for wedding, shower, bachelorette parties with threat of kicking you off the wedding party or invite list (these people exist!). You think everyone cares about the color of your nails on “the day.” You’re pretty wrapped up in it all and forget that there are real problems out there.

Disclaimer: If love is a battlefield, I am a war zone journalist. On that note, wedding planning is like freaking Vietnam. So, please understand me when I say I’m not one of those brides (I did post a ring pic, but #sorrynotsorry). This is a freakish industry. I know I have only just hit the tip of the iceberg here, but I have so many thoughts about all this wedding crap and I can’t keep them to myself. There are so many things people don’t tell you about this stuff. So much I wasn’t prepared for. In an effort to spare and prepare you, or for you to later commiserate about your own wedding planning process, I will proceed to create content around this absurd ritual that doesn’t really work for 55% of couples. Get it now? I’m not one of those brides, I’m that kind of bride.

***If you aren’t interested in my humor on the subject, don’t worry, it’s a short engagement. But I will have to figure out what the hell to call this blog when I’m married. Clearly, I didn’t plan for this otherwise I would have gave myself a more versatile url.


Seven Tips

September 10, 2014 § 2 Comments

Going through the archives and found this gem from Jan 2011 of the single years. BR (before Red). The advice holds up, as does my theory on handbags. The handbag theory has inspired a new hypothesis on mascara, for which I am currently running tests.  

Lately, I’ve been called upon for relationship advice. Why people asking me for advice? Clearly, I have failed in this department. In my only “serious” relationship, I waited too long for the frog to turn into a prince, and then I got dumped by the frog anyway. I’m not exactly the poster lady for love. Although now that I am single-ish, it seems my friends who are with-boyfriend come to me more often, as if I am a relationship psychic. Sadly, Miss Cleo talks out of her ass, and so do I.

So why are they blasting my phone with BF woes? As a single gal, I appear to have it together. The growth has been removed. I am no longer a host for the farting, belching, sports-crazed jerk with mommy-issues feeding off me for a hot meal and a blowjob. Thus the basis for the age-old pickle: can’t live with him, can’t live without him.

In the meantime, heed some advice or just enjoy the nonsense.

Mistakes You’re Making with Men

  1. Put the vibrator down. Eliminate the competition.
  2. Game time is man time, if you are going to sit there and pout, go home.
  3. They instinctively want to spread their seed, don’t take it personally. Let them look, but not touch. See Have You Touched a Boob Today
  4. Regardless of reason, he will always think there is no motivation behind your anger. Don’t get angry without visual aids, you have to spell it out and make sure the tv is off.
  5. Do your exercises; a tight pussy goes a long way.
  6. What the hell is a promise ring? If you’ve already brought it up, you’ve said too much.
  7. If he hasn’t contacted you, you probably shouldn’t send those four text messages and definitely don’t leave a voicemail. Whatever you do, don’t Facebook stalk the events he plans on attending to stage a funny coincidence. Read your horoscope and get over it.

It’s not just the ladies either, I have guy friends knocking on my door, calling at all hours (and not in the likeness of an acceptable way to wake a sleeping woman). Alright people, we’re all clueless. This is not algebra, there is no x.

There’s A Lot You Can Tell About a Girl By Her Purse

  1. If it’s smaller than your hand, she only does two things, stalk on the phone and spend money. See Sept 21’s post to learn the damage done by cell.
  2. If it’s it has more than 2 straps, over the shoulder or around the wrist, cross body, or crook o an elbow, she can’t make up her mind. [guilty as charged, thank you]
  3. If it has so many compartments you can’t count them all, she’s probably a bit scatterbrained and has a short attention span.
  4. If it’s almost bigger than she is, she has an arsenal of things to throw when she doesn’t get her way. [wait until I put the bag down and walk a safe distance]
  5. If it’s a designer bag with matching wallet that costs more than your car, she is too high maintenance, turn around, you don’t have the patience or the bank account.
  6. If it’s a knock off designer, she’s a cheap date and will probably put out after a few drinks.
  7. If she doesn’t carry a purse, or bag, or pocketbook at all, she there is a good chance she might be lesbian. That’s just fact.

Well, I hoped you all learned something.


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