Seven Tips

September 10, 2014 § 2 Comments

Going through the archives and found this gem from Jan 2011 of the single years. BR (before Red). The advice holds up, as does my theory on handbags. The handbag theory has inspired a new hypothesis on mascara, for which I am currently running tests.  

Lately, I’ve been called upon for relationship advice. Why people asking me for advice? Clearly, I have failed in this department. In my only “serious” relationship, I waited too long for the frog to turn into a prince, and then I got dumped by the frog anyway. I’m not exactly the poster lady for love. Although now that I am single-ish, it seems my friends who are with-boyfriend come to me more often, as if I am a relationship psychic. Sadly, Miss Cleo talks out of her ass, and so do I.

So why are they blasting my phone with BF woes? As a single gal, I appear to have it together. The growth has been removed. I am no longer a host for the farting, belching, sports-crazed jerk with mommy-issues feeding off me for a hot meal and a blowjob. Thus the basis for the age-old pickle: can’t live with him, can’t live without him.

In the meantime, heed some advice or just enjoy the nonsense.

Mistakes You’re Making with Men

  1. Put the vibrator down. Eliminate the competition.
  2. Game time is man time, if you are going to sit there and pout, go home.
  3. They instinctively want to spread their seed, don’t take it personally. Let them look, but not touch. See Have You Touched a Boob Today
  4. Regardless of reason, he will always think there is no motivation behind your anger. Don’t get angry without visual aids, you have to spell it out and make sure the tv is off.
  5. Do your exercises; a tight pussy goes a long way.
  6. What the hell is a promise ring? If you’ve already brought it up, you’ve said too much.
  7. If he hasn’t contacted you, you probably shouldn’t send those four text messages and definitely don’t leave a voicemail. Whatever you do, don’t Facebook stalk the events he plans on attending to stage a funny coincidence. Read your horoscope and get over it.

It’s not just the ladies either, I have guy friends knocking on my door, calling at all hours (and not in the likeness of an acceptable way to wake a sleeping woman). Alright people, we’re all clueless. This is not algebra, there is no x.

There’s A Lot You Can Tell About a Girl By Her Purse

  1. If it’s smaller than your hand, she only does two things, stalk on the phone and spend money. See Sept 21’s post to learn the damage done by cell.
  2. If it’s it has more than 2 straps, over the shoulder or around the wrist, cross body, or crook o an elbow, she can’t make up her mind. [guilty as charged, thank you]
  3. If it has so many compartments you can’t count them all, she’s probably a bit scatterbrained and has a short attention span.
  4. If it’s almost bigger than she is, she has an arsenal of things to throw when she doesn’t get her way. [wait until I put the bag down and walk a safe distance]
  5. If it’s a designer bag with matching wallet that costs more than your car, she is too high maintenance, turn around, you don’t have the patience or the bank account.
  6. If it’s a knock off designer, she’s a cheap date and will probably put out after a few drinks.
  7. If she doesn’t carry a purse, or bag, or pocketbook at all, she there is a good chance she might be lesbian. That’s just fact.

Well, I hoped you all learned something.



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§ 2 Responses to Seven Tips

  • […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by, internetbachelorette. internetbachelorette said: In my only “serious” relationship, I waited too long for the frog to turn into a prince, and then I got dumped by… […]

  • Betty says:

    Another relationship tip: crying does work, if you get to the point in an argument where you are in a stale mate, i.e. two stubborn goats locking horns and both feel they are right, turn on the water works and voila! your man will melt. Also saying “that really hurts my feelings” along with crying is a double whammy. His mind will be racing thinking “oh no! I broke her” and hugging ensues. Big girls DO cry, just save it as a last resort otherwise it’s like your crying “wolf”.

    As for purses, if she carries a Mary Poppins bag with an endless bottom she’s going to mother you, hold the things you don’t want to carry and always have breath mints handy. Instead of a baby bag, consider it a boyfriend bag.

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