Not One of THOSE Brides

September 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

No, I’m not going to be one of those brides. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones in that Cosmo article that you read before you found “the one” because you just couldn’t stomach another one of your friend’s showing off their bling all over Facebook. That jezebel article that you “stumbled upon” the 7th time you were asked to be a bridesmaid in one year. The girls who hashtag “blessed” or “luckiest girl in the world” or “love him” incessantly  (26.2 million instagram tags, precisely). We get it, he’s #thebest.

These are little girlfriend-zillas and once they have a ring on it (#helikeditsoheputaringonit) mature into bridezillas. These people make their bridesmaids give up their trendy pixie cuts and get spray tans. These are the ladies who buy $12,000 dresses, then trash it for a photo shoot. These are the women who throw tantrums until their father’s hand over credit cards. You might have seen some of these on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. These girls are batshit. Batshit without a budget.

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Good news! If you have a budget, you are a normal bride who’s not annoying everyone around her. Unless you keep saying “We”. We really think hot pink flowers for centerpieces. We think the ring bearer should wear a sign that says ring security. We think bachelor parties are tacky. Said no man EVER. Don’t insert him into these worries unless it’s a little more believable.

Other things that annoy people: Thinking you’re a princess. Play by play wedding planning on Facebook. Countdowns until you marry your best friend. Posting boudoir shots you got him for xmas. Ring pic as a profile pic. A ring pic every time you “still can’t believe it.” Actually ring pics in general. Arguing with your mother in public places. Yelling/screaming excitedly about various states of planning. Always changing the topic back to your wedding (especially when no one else is asking). Mandatory expenses for wedding, shower, bachelorette parties with threat of kicking you off the wedding party or invite list (these people exist!). You think everyone cares about the color of your nails on “the day.” You’re pretty wrapped up in it all and forget that there are real problems out there.

Disclaimer: If love is a battlefield, I am a war zone journalist. On that note, wedding planning is like freaking Vietnam. So, please understand me when I say I’m not one of those brides (I did post a ring pic, but #sorrynotsorry). This is a freakish industry. I know I have only just hit the tip of the iceberg here, but I have so many thoughts about all this wedding crap and I can’t keep them to myself. There are so many things people don’t tell you about this stuff. So much I wasn’t prepared for. In an effort to spare and prepare you, or for you to later commiserate about your own wedding planning process, I will proceed to create content around this absurd ritual that doesn’t really work for 55% of couples. Get it now? I’m not one of those brides, I’m that kind of bride.

***If you aren’t interested in my humor on the subject, don’t worry, it’s a short engagement. But I will have to figure out what the hell to call this blog when I’m married. Clearly, I didn’t plan for this otherwise I would have gave myself a more versatile url.

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