Randoms Acts of Memory

October 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Every once in a while I go through my notes. Sometimes I have an idea or thought that I think will one day make a good topic to write about. Sadly, most of these are just thoughts that belong on twitter. However, instead of cramming them on twitter, I rather just lump them all together as food for thought in one post that doesn’t connect cohesively at all. Such is life. So here are a few things I’ve been thinking about lately.

  • All I gotta say is… I should be showered in the finest red wine before I get my teeth whitened. If I’m going to put money in a treatment  I should maintain for any length of time, abstaining from red wine, coffee and other stain prone elements, I’ll be sure to indulge as much as possible before hand. I certainly think that changing my lifestyle in the name of vanity is ridiculous, however, I contemplate this on a daily basis. Fried food gives me a stomach ache. Poor example. Chocolate, however, adds to my waist line. Lesson: Before you crash diet you eat all the things you love. Before you bleach your teeth, you drink the best cabernet you can find.
  • People don’t say, “all that and a bag of chips,” anymore. Is that because of the paleo diet.
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  • Every husband was a boyfriend once. Right? If you are lucky, that person won’t morph too much after the label has changed. It’s not like you get married and upon retuning from the honeymoon he grows a beer gut overnight, loses his hair, enjoys pink frosted donuts and duff beer. Congratulations you have your brand new Homer.
  • I’ve been hearing people calling their unwed long time companions: partners. Confusing, right? If you are in a heterosexual relationship, you have a boyfriend. It’s totally a grey area, yes, but lets not encroach on the gay’s lingo. They are still fighting for equality. When someone who really wants to know about your relationship status they will inquire about the length of your relationship. If it’s over 2 years, shit’s pretty serious. No need to add the flowery synonyms. It’s all just labels anyway, neutralizing everyone so we are relatable to each other. Modern relationships are each uniquely their own. I mean, in 6 months the man I live with won’t be anymore my husband than he was 2 years ago. Except  for the legal document.
  • This is something I didn’t have to deal with as a single person that I fear might be a growing concern out there in the dating world: how long after sex do you wait to check your cell phone? Someone single explain this to me.
  • At a certain point in life you just got to give in and admit that your thighs are going to be the size that they want.
  • The dine in movie theaters are set up like hospital beds. You lounge,, people bring you sub-par food, you eat off of a tray laying down. When you are done simply move the tray away. Lie back, doze off. Best $18 nap ever. When’s the next time I can check into this clinic?
  • Pregnant brain is possibly a real thing. I remember the first time I was a casualty of pregnant brain. This woman decided I parked poorly, even though I was inside the lines and she parked her SUV in a compact spot. She was so irritated, she took the time to write a note and leave it on my car. In her ledger she mentioned that she was pregnant and I did not leave her enough room to exit her vehicle. First, never has an obese person ever left a message like this one someone’s windshield. They know it’s their fault for parking there, that’s why they get the handicapped stickers when they don’t really need them. Second, find a different parking spot, you crazy baby brain!
  • How much zucchini is too much zucchini? Not in the phallic sense, but literally. Can I OD on summer squash?Zucchini-Squash-Genitalia
  • Somedays I’m on the mission to be as adorable as possible. Other days, I completely give up and eat chocolate chips out of the bag instead of using them to make cookies for my friends. It’s a fine line.
  • 80s and 90s movies really hold up. They remind me of a low fat time when carbs were king and brown lipstick ruled. Not to mention the contemplative thoughts one can have without a cell phone to check.
  • I hate the term “foodie”. What qualifies you as a foodie? Who do I have to follow on instagram to become one? Is it contagious? If I accidentally, in a moment of a drunken hunger emergency, eat at In N Out, does that get me kicked out of the club? Is is mandatory I take pictures of my food? What if I hate olives? Can’t I just like good food and not be a foodie?

I hope you enjoyed the thoughts for today. Please come back again next week for another edition of The Internet Bachelorette (ahmen) The Internet Bride To Be, where I will cohesively rant about another absurd element of wedding planning.



Pumpkin Spice Lattes… PSL

October 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

I really do adore Autumn. October is a pretty solid month. I enjoy the fall produce and taking part in Halloween activities. I like feeling the season change on my skin, and the Indian summer easing the chill upon us. It’s everyone else that’s really ruining things for me.

Yes, believe it. It’s October, the month that waits for no one. Why does October always seem to surprise people? Every year, “Can you believe it’s already October?!” Yes and what other month did you think came after September? October is a month made for annoying girls exclaiming stupid things. All month it’s idiocy. I blame pumpkin spice. It’s a drug for sure. The only thing I like pumpkin spice in is pie. I must be alien.

Fortunately for the boys, Football Season, Baseball Playoffs, Basketball Preseason and saving the ta-tas have the males pretty much distracted, the height of the fall ditziness goes unnoticed.

“I just love fall, gush, the colors.”

“I’m so excited to wear boots!”

“Pink, for promoting Breast Cancer.” And let me take this opportunity to remind you to think before you say things.

“We should totally go to that haunted maze, I can wear my new sweater!” 

Ugh, he didn’t get me anything for Sweetest’s Day.”

“I’m trying to hint diamond earrings for christmas.”

“Get me a grande skinny pumpkin spice latte with two splendas… You’re the best! Thank ewe!”

“I’m working out  a lot this month so I can look hot in my halloween costume. It’s like a corset top and like these boots that go over the knee, super cute and not slutty at all.”

If I read one more Facebook status involving someone’s first pumpkin latte of the season, I might have to go punch a jack-o-lantern. Really, Starbucks? I can’t believe that many people are letting a corporate coffee house mark the moment they feel the autumnal spirit for the first time. Not to mention, who the fuck cares that you paid twice the price for a latte with several squirts of pumpkin sugar? Donate last seasons designer jacket to even out your karma. Fall really is great, sure, happy about it. The seasons, they need to change, I just don’t think I’d mark it with with a prefab mix prepared by a local hipster.

Which brings me to my next point. Fall really brings out the hipsters. Their cut-off skinny jeans and barely-there tanks really had them incognito during the summer, but as soon as the wind changes, out come the skinny jeans, combat boots and bad attitudes. My internet has been out, so I’ve been frequenting coffee shops to get work done, right at the fountain of the hipsters’ life-blood. I wouldn’t even ask a hipster to watch my computer while I go to the bathroom. I’ll pack it all up and lose my seat next to the outlet before I ask hipster enjoying their organic air. It’s scary movie season… not only would they fall pale at a thief, they are too busy planning multimedia art instillation based on Paranormal Activity 4.

And there is nothing I can’t stand more than a hipster with a pumpkin spice latte. I can’t even go there. Hating the establishment, dressing like they are homeless and purchasing marked up liquid flavoring with a shot of espresso and warm milk. Suddenly I’m reminded of the upcoming election as I gripe about the unfortunate beings we share this great country with. Maybe they will be too busy with October they won’t register to vote.

Two years ago I crafted this post, with midterms coming up and Pumpkin Spiced Candles in full force, it’s all relevant. Hope you enjoy the throwback. New one for next week!


XO Jane Article

October 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Raise a glass! Just got an article published on xojane.com.

Hope you enjoy the fodder. Please leave a comment if you want!

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