Gift Giving Competition

December 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

It’s the end of the year and we are all counting our blessings and savings and accomplishments from the year before. The holidays marks a passage of time when we take an inventory of what’s going on and compare it to last year’s numbers.


This will be the 5th Christmas Mister Red and I will exchange gifts and I’m stumped. I usually win the friendly unspoken gift giving competition. I mean, I pretty much always nail the wild card, warm fuzzy, you-shouldn’t-have-but-how-did-you-know gift. With the exception of the too small navy blue twink suit fail of 2012. It looked like he was wearing a pair of Lulu crops around his athletic thighs. But it was the thought that counted that year.



It’s totally true that we try to one up each other. For Valentines Day, we somehow started a strange tradition of making the other a Valentine. The funnier it is, the punier it is, if you rhyme a poem or draw a picture, the more points you get.

For Halloween, its quietly judging the other’s jack-o-lantern. And sometimes I try to micromanage his carving skills (sorry, dude).

Fourth of July is usually when we bring two dishes to pass and mine is better. Except this year, he championed the avocado/greek yogurt chicken salad that I was skeptical of. And now I make it once a month.

He’s lead started gaining in the spring when he threw me for a loop and observed a holiday in uncharted territory. For April Fools, he staged a walk out with my shoes that was quite hilarious. I didn’t have a comeback for that one.

Thanksgiving might be the only holiday where we truly work together. And it’s for the sake of pie.

This year for Christmas, even though my numbers are down due to my ill prepared April Fool’s Day and the Wedding Proposal, I might forfeit anyway. I don’t have a clue what to get him. I know he’s got some good stuff brewing because I gave him major hints and spread the blanket wide on my Pinterest board.

So what do you give to the man you know so well?

Not socks. That’s for sure.

Not a video game, if I want to see him at all next month.

Is this the year I give boudoir pictures? Is that how those happen? I have always wondered how women end up resorting to that. He puts a ring on it, I can’t think of anything to top that gift this year so I do a stop motion burlesque show?

My points are so far down that I might as well save that up for next year. Nudey pics on our first married xmas. Tasteful, of course. Best wife ever. Saving that for later.

So this year… socks it is!



Language of Love

December 9, 2014 § Leave a comment

You know you have a strong relationship when you say…

“I’m going to put the goo gone back in the Harry Potter Closet”

and it’s understood perfectly.

Or how about…

“Is is okay if I finish off the KT dessert tonight?”

And it is okay, even though you made it less than 2 hours ago.

You compromise on entertainment….

“Can we watch ‘kaaahhhhhahhhhakaaaaakaa’ and ‘fast news talk big story love triangle’ tonight or save one and watch two next week?”

(Extra points if you can guess those shows)

You alert the other of beautiful views…

“Check out the wicked underbelly from the secret patio.”

You have traditions near the holidays….

“After tonight we have to get Trampstamp Tonya out of the overhead storage bin.”

But most importantly, you have emergency chocolate in the house and it’s okay if the other person eats it….

“That whole thing of chocolate chips is gone from the freezer.”

Because you understand why they needed it in the first place.


Best Advice For Your New Engagement Ring

December 2, 2014 § Leave a comment

Here we are: December. I know. I can hardly believe it either. Tis engagement season. Along with the onslot of ugly sweater pics and  #TBTs to xmas morning in the 80s, you will also get lots of couples making it Facebook official in your news feed. For dudes, this is prime proposal time. The ring doubles as the best Christmas present ever, and if she’s been eyeing June nuptials, he’s got at least a year and a half before bye-bye Bachelortown. Plus, there no better time to show off new bling. Get that finger out in front of everyone from great-aunts to forgotten high school queen bees. It really is the loudest symbol we have for coupledom.

I used to think people were crazy to ask if my sterling silver swirl ring was a wedding band on my 24 year old hand. It’s possible I presented myself just bizarre enough. I could have been that strange of a person, a person who would prefer non-traditional hippy jewelry as a symbol of marriage. In truth, I was wearing it on my left hand to remind myself that I was not ready to be married. Not at 24. I kept this ring on my finger particularly around Christmas to also remind my boyfriend at the time that I was not ready for a flashy upgrade. I liked the one I had. It represented my freedom of expression unbound by the gifts of a generous, yet loving gentleman caller.


Months before we broke up, we had an argument about this ring. The argument, although petty and meaningless to a guy who was about to dump me, struck me hard. I took the ring off that day to show that I would be accepting of any jewelry he wanted to give me. Dodging the bullet of a pricey Christmas gift, he let me go before the holidays.

Newly single, I let the feeling sink in. Do I put the silver swirl ring back on? Sure. Just a few times in the name of rebellion and newfound freedom, but I got even more questions about my marital status then ever before. Probably because I was looking super hot after the breakup diet and frequently on the prowl. Dudes be like, “Are you married to someone? You have a ring on an important finger.” I had underestimated the sigma in western culture of bedazzling this specific finger.

Atlas, I didn’t want to blur the line. It was true, I had begun accepting applicants for the position of boyfriend with the opportunity of promotion. I couldn’t be out there advertising that I wouldn’t consider moving the right person up the ladder.

Eventually I bagged myself a good one, Mister Red. Around year three of being together my “important finger” began to stand out again. This time in the opposite way. It’s nakedness was inviting, calling, “come hither.” I fought off the suitors, for I had already found the suitable one. My lack of bling also called out to people in the know. I’d constantly get my hand examined at catch-up brunches. I battled the nay-sayers. We were taking our time. No need to rush. It’s not like my finger was cold.

We went to take some rings for a test drive, but he didn’t make the real commitment until a year later when he could gift the proper wear for the all-occasion-every-day-of-your-life accessory.


When I first debuted my ring, there was more attention on my finger than ever before. Then conversation would stir to different aspects of the proposed nuptials, as they do. Some even reaching beyond the aisle to the cradle. It was all rather overwhelming.  Except for one person, who was a simple acquaintance, and she parlayed the most excellent pointer. And this is very good advice I was happy to receive and delighted to pass along.

We were at a shower of some sort. Bridal or baby, I don’t remember, but the punch was flowing so I knew this was an honest moment. She said, “I’m not going to ask when your wedding is because you should enjoy your ring.” She looked at my finger and smiled a knowing smile, “I wish someone had told me to just enjoy my ring. Pretty soon the wedding will come and people will ask when you are having kids. And then you have a kid and people will ask you about your second one. So take some time right now and just enjoy the ring.” Once she said it, it made so much sense. The whole process is rushed.


From that moment on, I took time to admire it. This artifact carefully selected and painstakingly saved for, by hell or high water, the exact ring he wanted me to have as a symbol of his undying love– fuck yeah I was going to take my sweet time enjoying it. Now I only wish he had one too. Just so he knows how special I feel every time I look at my finger. I suppose he will soon.

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