5 Things No One Tells You About Planning Your Wedding

July 21, 2015 § Leave a comment

Bridal resources tip-toe around these issues because planning your wedding “should” be a “joy” but most of it is rather unpleasant. Even if you swear up and down you’re not going to be that bride that experiences drama, or cares about the color of napkins. If you have a wedding, you’re going to have to deal with the horse shit that goes with it.

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1. There will be things you just don’t give a fuck about, and they will haunt you. 

You will have a list of things you could care less about. And it might be long. What color your bridesmaids shoes are, who gets a boutonnière, the angle in which the cake is displayed, what activities are available for children, what the DJ eats, etc, etc, on and on. It might not matter to you if they are roses or carnations on the tables as long as they are pink, and you only want to say it once. Unfortunately for you, you have to repeat every decision you make to everyone, like it was the mantra of a 4 week chanting water yoga retreat.

At one point you might lose your cool, only to be reminded by every single vendor you’ve hired that they do “A LOT of weddings.” No shit, Sherlock. I get it. It’s an industry. People be running a business. They might have more business if they could remember the menial details of their events so the client’s eyeballs don’t explode.

EX: I had stated from the first meeting with my venue, ivory table cloths/ivory napkins. Do I give a shit about the color of the linens? Not particularly, but none-the-less the choice was made. A choice which spawned a million other choices based on this choice. 6 months later, I’m still calling about an error, “Hi, yes, sorry, my contract STILL says we ordered white napkins, but they should be ivory.”  Like I’m the dick that just HAS to have my linens be a slightly different color of a non-color.

2. This process will amplify your personality in ways never before imagined. 

Are you a people pleaser? A sap? A Perfectionist? A Steamroller? Competitive? Shy? Spoiled? Anxious? Strong-willed? A push over? When the dress comes on, it all comes out.

Big or small, first or second, skeletons come out of the closet. Planning a high stakes, once-in-a-lifetime event really brings it out in people. Even if you try to be chill, at some point you are going to think to yourself “who the heck do I think I am?” You’re going to get mad, you’re going to yell, you’re going to cry over something. You’re going to go down certain rabbit holes.

EX: I didn’t dream about my wedding day all my life. Newsflash, not all girls do. I didn’t know the etiquette, I didn’t know the rules, I didn’t know there was so much to choose from. I had nothing planned out. However, I became fixated on the guest experience. And then, there I was, one week before editing the language of the ceremony to include more jokes. So many wedding jokes. There were jokes on the table numbers, the programs, the craft cocktails, we gave out whoopie cushions as favors, we had a Star Wars cake. AND THEN I got paranoid that everyone would think we weren’t taking our marriage seriously. Rabbit hole.

3. The only thing people will remember to ask you about is wedding planning.

“How’s wedding planning going?” As if you don’t eat food anymore or have a real job. It’s true that on the wedding timeline planning gets really intense, but then it’s the LAST thing you want to discuss with anyone.

EX: I was working on a TV show concept while planning my wedding. It was the best thing, and I was really excited about it. I don’t think anyone even knew I had a project. I would have blushed like a 5th grader crushing hard if someone actually asked me about it.

Additionally, for MONTHS after your wedding those same people who were asking about wedding planning will ask you “how’s married life” and you won’t know what to say to that either.

4. Your soon-to-be-husband will have little understanding of how much this sucks for you. 

He’ll probably be all for helping with whatever needs to be done. Hell, he might actually  have opinions about certain details. You might even give him key vendors to follow through with. He might take care of all of this with a wink and a smile, but down the line he’s going to wonder why you aren’t having the time of your life. After all, you’re the one who wanted this.

EX: Mister Red and I shared a lot of the load, and he’s amazing for getting the DJ, the officiant, and dealing with our cake vendor. But on our last visit to the venue, while wandering the desert looking for rocks for our guest book display, we had it out. Turns out we were mad at the same thing, neither one of us wanted to be dealing with any of it. And that was the most productive argument we’d had. Then we decided to treat ourselves to a dry run of the resort, you know for the guest experience.

5. You cannot wait for it to be over. 

At first it’s a little bit exciting. That’s because it’s far away, you got time, spirits are high, and everything seems manageable.

There will be a moment between your bridal shower and your last dress fitting when you will want to snap someone’s pinky finger right off in the name of wedding planning. And you would probably be justified in doing so.

Details, details, details, and then you’ll want to shove some details up an ass or two. It’s a lot of work to put on an event for 60-200 people. It’s a lot of work to put on an event for 12.

EX: 3 days before my wedding and my venue refuses to change the rehearsal by a half hour. All I wanted was a half hour to accommodate my brother who was flying into town. This was not the first time I wanted to snap someones pinky right off that month, but it was the first time I admitted out loud to Mister Red how I really felt. “This has to work out between us because I am NEVER doing this again,” I said.

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All of these issues are, of course, essential to your transformation into wifedom. At least that’s what I’m telling myself as I’m still emerging from my bridal cocoon with a new last name. I have a couple more important documents to update and my dress is still at the cleaners (apparently, they get A LOT of wedding gowns this time of year, shocker).

After the wedding on our drive home I admitted another truth, “I’m so happy that it happened, but I’m so glad it’s over.” I maintain that feeling about it even now.

*Disclaimer: For those who elope, they must be smarter, wiser, and have better familial relations skills than me. This was probably not their experience. 

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