Ode to The Bachelorette

July 28, 2015 § 1 Comment

Status: Married

Actually, contrary to popular belief, being a wife feels no different than being a serious girlfriend who’s pre-engaged or a bestie who you text every day. What is with people asking you, “How’s married life?” as if you walked through a hallway of fairy dust and are now a frequent flyer to Neverland. I felt like I was letting people down by admitting that it felt the same as before the ring.

Perhaps its a gradual thing that I’ll grow into. Wifedom can’t happen in a day. However, I’ve had to abruptly trade in my Bachelorette Card, so this will be my last post as TIB. My new husband/old boyfriend doesn’t appreciate me flouncing around on the internet with the title of an uncommitted maiden. This is fair. Laws are binding. Mister Red, I concede.


Moments after putting on the veil, becoming officially bridal. No longer a Bachelorette. 

Probably about time I grow up anyway. No–Wait, I was just kidding. You can find my same old schtick under a my new name. Starting next week, I’ll link posts to the new blog on this site as to ease the transition. As for right now…

Ode to The Bachelorette:

Dearest Darling of the singles crowd. You’ve hemmed and hawed over lovers unworthy. Your stilettos have pinched and blisters bled in the name of finding that special someone. Shuffling your Uggs behind a shopping cart filled with your bounty for a table of one. While considering options across genders out of spite, you feel alone but are not alone.

Bachelorettes across the world leave their refrigerators bare, balance fitness with Ben & Jerry’s, and collect at brunch on Saturdays. Pouring into greatly Yelped establishments with hangovers veiled by Ray Bans, over mimosas and bloodies you discuss the gritty statistics of this dating pool. Like excavators, piecing together the true meaning of a man’s intentions through slivers of behaviors, texts, online alliances, and one word answers to serious questions. What did he mean by, “text you later?”

As legend has it, one day when you least expect it, you’ll meet a man who meets most (not all, but most) of your criteria for a husband. You will deny it at first as together you have your firsts, but you’ll eventually settle in as lover, therapist, career advisor, caretaker, friend, financial analyst, maid, stylist, and chef. If this is a fairytale worth telling, he will reciprocate all titles back to you.


You will discuss lifelong desires, consider raising children, argue about just about everything, almost call it quits multiple times, accept each other’s faults, and then realize you would be miserable without one another. You will ride the roller coaster of life for a bit together, trying each other’s trials on for size. Setbacks and promotions get dealt with accordingly, this time as buddies, as partners. Finding someone to marry isn’t about compromise, it’s about collaboration. Time will go by and in this good time this man will provide his bachelorette with a shiny token of his love and a promise of marriage.

With this engagement to be wed, you will become the most heinous of all your variations. Family will intervene, your thoughts shine light on doubt, the planning of the day you had been looking forward to has become a nightmare of spread sheets, bootcamps, and floral arrangements.

The dust settles on the day of wed, as the bachelorette transforms into a bride. Then in a matter of moments that bride becomes a wife. Two very short words seal the deal and the bachelorette you once were, with all your freedom, carelessness, and vigor rides further away every time someone asks you when you plan to get pregnant.

Dear Bachelorette, this is a time in your life that you only have once. You cannot choose how long it will last. You may be sorry to see it go, or you might be happy it’s finally over. You may stay a wife, become a mother, or fancy yourself a divorcee. You could find yourself a widow or perhaps a cougar on the prowl, but you will never be able to be a bachelorette again.

So embrace the blind dates, one night stands, and tasteless pick up lines while you here. Then harness the freedom you have. Go for your big dreams and own them. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you how you want be treated. And always allow the cat calls to put a little pep in your step.

You look good, girl. Shine on with your bad self.


Cheers! Thanks for reading 5 years of my Bachelorette Antics. More to come as a wife. 




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§ One Response to Ode to The Bachelorette

  • Dane says:

    For the record, I just said “it doesn’t make sense to be called a ‘bachelorette’ anymore.” And I stand by that statement Mrs. Red. . .

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