September 10, 2014 § 2 Comments
Going through the archives and found this gem from Jan 2011 of the single years. BR (before Red). The advice holds up, as does my theory on handbags. The handbag theory has inspired a new hypothesis on mascara, for which I am currently running tests.
Lately, I’ve been called upon for relationship advice. Why people asking me for advice? Clearly, I have failed in this department. In my only “serious” relationship, I waited too long for the frog to turn into a prince, and then I got dumped by the frog anyway. I’m not exactly the poster lady for love. Although now that I am single-ish, it seems my friends who are with-boyfriend come to me more often, as if I am a relationship psychic. Sadly, Miss Cleo talks out of her ass, and so do I.
So why are they blasting my phone with BF woes? As a single gal, I appear to have it together. The growth has been removed. I am no longer a host for the farting, belching, sports-crazed jerk with mommy-issues feeding off me for a hot meal and a blowjob. Thus the basis for the age-old pickle: can’t live with him, can’t live without him.
In the meantime, heed some advice or just enjoy the nonsense.
Mistakes You’re Making with Men
- Put the vibrator down. Eliminate the competition.
- Game time is man time, if you are going to sit there and pout, go home.
- They instinctively want to spread their seed, don’t take it personally. Let them look, but not touch. See Have You Touched a Boob Today
- Regardless of reason, he will always think there is no motivation behind your anger. Don’t get angry without visual aids, you have to spell it out and make sure the tv is off.
- Do your exercises; a tight pussy goes a long way.
- What the hell is a promise ring? If you’ve already brought it up, you’ve said too much.
- If he hasn’t contacted you, you probably shouldn’t send those four text messages and definitely don’t leave a voicemail. Whatever you do, don’t Facebook stalk the events he plans on attending to stage a funny coincidence. Read your horoscope and get over it.
It’s not just the ladies either, I have guy friends knocking on my door, calling at all hours (and not in the likeness of an acceptable way to wake a sleeping woman). Alright people, we’re all clueless. This is not algebra, there is no x.
There’s A Lot You Can Tell About a Girl By Her Purse
- If it’s smaller than your hand, she only does two things, stalk on the phone and spend money. See Sept 21’s post to learn the damage done by cell.
- If it’s it has more than 2 straps, over the shoulder or around the wrist, cross body, or crook o an elbow, she can’t make up her mind. [guilty as charged, thank you]
- If it has so many compartments you can’t count them all, she’s probably a bit scatterbrained and has a short attention span.
- If it’s almost bigger than she is, she has an arsenal of things to throw when she doesn’t get her way. [wait until I put the bag down and walk a safe distance]
- If it’s a designer bag with matching wallet that costs more than your car, she is too high maintenance, turn around, you don’t have the patience or the bank account.
- If it’s a knock off designer, she’s a cheap date and will probably put out after a few drinks.
- If she doesn’t carry a purse, or bag, or pocketbook at all, she there is a good chance she might be lesbian. That’s just fact.
Well, I hoped you all learned something.
August 12, 2014 § 1 Comment
No matter how hard you try you can’t hide on the internet. If you have a digital footprint, you can be followed and found. By anyone, any where. Pretty creepy. Facebook is a place where you can be your own number one fan. Twitter is a dump where people throw trash in 140 characters into the landfill of tweets. Linkedin is Facebook with a necktie (we talked about ties last week, you know what that means). Youtube is the poor man’s TV. Flickr is living out your fantasy of being a photographer. MySpace lost to Facebook a while ago. Google+ is for the anti-facebook community but it’s not really catching on, so I guess Facebook won again. Instagram is the hipsters’ Flickr. Tumblr is for people with short attention spans. Yelp is for complainers. Tinder is for the horny. You get the idea.
What I’ve been spending some time on lately is Pinterest. I’ve rekindled my love affair with a visual to-do, to-want, to-buy, to-make list of things. Has anyone figured out how long it would take to do everything on each of their boards. Probably more time than I have to live.
Anyway… Behold the online incarnation of the vision board. You can’t tweet your darkest secrets but you can pin them. Basically Pinterest is for stealing. Stealing ideas and looks from websites, other pinners. Stealing DIY projects, outfits, hairstyles, recipes, stealing hopes and dreams. With brides you can only imagine how ugly this might get.
I’m okay with this digital kleptomania. In fact, it’s super fun. Here are a few reasons I have an interest in Pinterest.
1. Pinterest. Because it’s curbing my Facebook habit.
2. Pinterest. Because even though I’m surfing the web for hours on end, I feel like I’m actually doing something.
3. For every healthy recipe I pin there are five I should never make.
5. People WANT you to repin, unlike on Facebook where people get lynched for stealing a status update.
6. Pinterest. Because it’s never to early to start planning your wedding.
7. Making a visual list of projects you will never have time to complete because you spend too much time on Pinterest.
8. Pinterest. Because there are too many inspirational quotes to commit to memory.
10. Sure it looks great on the model, but probably hideous on me. I’m going to pin it anyway.
11. Pinterest told me eyelet skirts and cut off jean shorts are in for spring. I don’t want to get left behind.
12. Pinterest is making a bucket list of all the places I can only dream of seeing. Then making me more depressed because I’ll probably just live vicariously through these pictures.
13. I just didn’t know hair could do that until I pinned it.
14. Pinterest. Because maybe he’ll see the cut of diamond I like. Would save him a lot of trouble.
15. Pinterest. Because I haven’t lusted after famous dudes since I cut out pictures of hot guys from BOP and Tiger Beat in 5th grade.
17. Pinterest. It’s the sorority that everyone who pledges becomes a sister. But they’ll make you wait.
18. Because there are so many shoes I just have to pin.
19. Pinterest. Because people who sell stuff on etsy don’t have much of a budget for advertising.
20. Pinterest because you can stop a friend from purchasing something horrible. Like an orange couch.
21. Because I will never EVER be able to afford that bag, but I want it sooooo bad.
Stay clever, Pinners! Promote small business and artists. Want, pine, like, steal and pin forth toward inspiration for all areas of your life. #PINNING!!!
May 27, 2014 § 2 Comments
This was originally posted 1/24/12, but with Basketball play-offs and baseball season what-have-you going on, I felt a reminder was in order.
I expect this from the guys, but ladies… this is an outrage, and it’s gone on for too long. You know what I’m talking about: long lines, clogged toilets, and bitches puking.
Sunday I spent some time at a sports bar. I actually like football, I wasn’t there to flirt with dude/bros in my extra small little boy’s jersey I cut up to show my cleavage. I wasn’t there to accompany Mister Red just to text the whole time then get into an argument ending in tears because he won’t leave at halftime. I was there to watch a couple of the most exciting football games of the year. I didn’t have to paint my face with the team symbol, sit on laps, or drink too many vodka tonics to enjoy myself. It’s fucking football, it’s awesome even in pajamas.
I’m getting off topic. This isn’t about the spray tanned queens with half their butt cheeks hanging out (you know who you are). This is about a public facility in an establishment that offers alcohol. You will never see bathrooms in the Natural History Museum looking like the cesspool most bars do two hours after opening. It’s the Ladies room, you should act like one.
Lady (noun) can be defined as: a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman. This is not someone you have to follow into the lavatory armed with a plunger and wearing safety goggles. Why does it look like wild beasts have been using the same toilets as five foot nothings in pink chiffon? You tell me.
I’d like to discuss some preventative measures in an effort to make bathroom breaks after a couple cocktails more rewarding for everyone across the board.
1. Stop clogging the toilets! Sometimes drinking a lot of beer makes you shit, but I hardly beleive these skinny bitches are each laying dumbo sized deuces stopping up every available john in the place. I’m all for being sanitary and laying delicate pieces of toilet paper down for your expensive yoga tush to rest on seems like the best option, but most septic tanks can’t handle the volume. You do chair pose for a reason. Now put it into practice and SQUAT! Or hover, whichever you prefer. You’re going to be working off your drinking calories, keeping your ass clean, respecting the future intermissions of other women, as well as trimming your piss time for those waiting behind you. Which brings me to my next point…
2. Don’t hold up the line! The buddy system is great for most things, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been relieving my bladder in private since I was two. I don’t need any help with this one. I will never understand how two people going into one stall makes the task “really quick.” Especially because I can hear every word of your conversation and know that one of you has her pants down. “Gasp! I love that thong! I have the same one in black.”
3. Don’t be gross. If you are old enough to drink you know that it sucks when you drink too much. What sucks even more is drinking too much in public. Drunk and Disorderly citations exist for a reason and should be handed out to every lightweight who cuts the line, and holds up the line (#2) because she can’t handle her liquor or her emotions. This also clogs the toilet (#1). No one wants to dodge the kamikaze barbie because she “forgot to eat” before she guzzled 12 tequila shots. Not disposing of your feminine hygiene products properly also falls into this category. If you are old enough to get your period, be a woman and take care of it.
4. Don’t be bitchy. You never know who’s standing next to you or in the stall. It’s okay you can smile and laugh, we’re all in the same shitty situation doing the same dirty deed. You can’t be that up tight if you are out to clog a toilet.
5. Check yourself, don’t wreck yourself. Mirror is there for you to make sure you don’t have lettuce in your teeth, not recreate your entire primping ritual. This includes making everyone else uncomfortable as you complain about your thighs. If you felt self-conscious you should have worn a little more than a washcloth and some pasties.
6. Freely warn others. If you come out of a bathroom that is without toilet paper or has been defecated beyond comfort, give the the next gal a heads up. Please note #4 and add a joke to ease tension. It’s okay to talk to strangers when you are being nice.
7. Lady in the street, freak in the bed. You know what I mean. I don’t want to piss where you just had sex. I’m going to hover, after all. And if you really need that quickie, use the Men’s, they are less likely to talk shit about your slutty behavior behind your back.
8. Wash your hands, and dispose of waste. Kindergarteners have more sense and courtesy. Throw away your used paper towel. You know it doesn’t belong on the ground. Have some respect. Someone will eventually have to clean up this mess, you spoiled brat.
9. Keep it in the sink. This is not the time nor the place for a water fight. This counter, I’m going to want to put my purse up here while I wash my hands and put on lip gloss. However, after your private wet t-shirt contest I can’t. It’ll ruin my vintage Gucci. This may be the local watering hole, but you are not an animal.
10. For god sakes, flush! Enough said.
Alright Smarty Snatches, I’m going to ask you to respectfully, and sincerely to tweet, retweet, post, repost, share and share again. And all those other internet things you do. This is a serious issue, girls. Things are starting to look worse than a gas station restroom at a rest stop that doesn’t have running water. It’s the Ladies room, you should act like one.
January 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
Before SNL was “On a Boat” or had its “Dick in a Box” there were “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” and if you don’t remember these, it’s past your bedtime. Go to sleep.
These deep thoughts covered a plethora of topics and were funny, poignant, some of them strange, and some of them rude. Which is to say most were pretty brilliant. Fun fact! Jack Handey is a real person who started these musings in 1975 with Steve Martin (if you’re under 23, he’s that white haired guy with the banjo, or you might remember him from “The Pink Panther” 1 & 2, or the romcom classic, “Father of the Bride,” your mother made you watch).
Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy went a little something like this:
It would open on the beach, or a flower, or a meadow, or something equally calming. The text would come up on the screen with voice over.
Deep Thought: If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won’t matter that much.
Much cheaper than getting getting Justin Timberlake’s wig and mutton chops to stay put while on a boat for eight hours.
I make a lot of random notes I think may become brilliant posts that will get me an agent. They don’t. Most of them are just randoms, and nothing worth exploring further. Much like a make out partner at the bar in college. I would like to share them with you now so they don’t shrivel up as tweets somewhere never to be retweeted by a bored teen.
Deep Thought: Skinny girls are like futons. It’s alright to sleep on a couple when you’re young, but when you’re shopping for long term, you’re going to want a pillow top.
Deep Thought: Sometimes you just need to really read a Lululemon Bag and argue with it. Seriously, some of those facts are just made up and not real things for real life.
Deep Thought: I WILL adjust my boobs. It’s just like when you adjust your balls. And yes there is a chafe risk.
Deep Thought: Following TEDtalks on Instagram will always makes you feel like a douche for following Cosmo and Cameron Diaz. Probably should go do something innovative and amazing and not spend one more minute agonizing over who wore it best.
Deep Thought: If we were all on a mission to be as adorable as possible at all times we all would be corgis. And there would be no war.
Deep Thought: Quick poops are life’s way of giving you back the extra minutes you spent in traffic.
Deep Thought: You know you really made it when you’re so rich you have a real excuse to wear really nice pajamas every night of the week. No sweat stained free t-shirts for you.
Deep Thought: I’m on a similar life path as Brittany Spears. I may have gone completely insane for the later half of my 20s, but I’m pulling it together now. I’ve got a good looking weave. Things are just great.
Deep Thought: At one point or another we can really be happy we didn’t go through with sharing a life with that horrible someone we were so positive we were going to marry one day.
Deep Thought: Hand jobs/blow jobs are basically oil changes for your day to day relationship engine. If you do them as regularly scheduled everything with keep running smooth. If you ignore the sticker on the windshield, prepare to get into an argument over every breath you take.
Deep Thought: Why have stockings to hang by the chimney with care? Why not just put candy and small gifts in actual socks. That way you have two to open and can wear them later when your feet are cold.
Deep Thought: The grocery store, at any time, is the worst sampling of humans possible. Everyone is avoiding eye contact, and they are all out to run you over with their cart to get the last bag of baby carrots.
December 3, 2013 § Leave a comment
People are haters. Anywhere there is a concentrated number of people there will be a lot of haters. Then there are those asshole optimists spouting all this positive shit into haters faces and it makes the haters hate more.
Those damn optimists, always in your ear when you just want to complain about the weather because you woke up in the middle of a REM cycle, and damn-it, you’re cranky.
You: “Ugh, why is it soooo cold out?!”
Optimist: “Think of it is a ‘wake up’ moment to change your perspective. You could be a polar bear clinging to a melting ice cap.”
You: “But I’m not. I’m me, a human, and it’s not fun being cold.”
Optimist: “It’s through the discomfort of life we find where we are truly blessed.”
You: “You can’t see me flipping you off because I’m wearing mittens.”
Optimist: “If you weren’t blessed with your mittens your fingers would be too cold to express yourself freely.”
The Optimist sucks. Since the people of Los Angeles can’t really complain about the cold, the optimist has to work a little harder. To make all you bitterly freezing northerners feel a tiny bit better, here is the Optimist sticking it to SoCal.
LA Brat: “There is so much smog. It’s disgusting. I can’t see it. I can taste it!”
Optimist: “But after a rainy day it’s like, ‘Surprise mountains!’ and after a windy day you look out over the ocean and think, ‘wait, is that Hawaii? Can I see Hawaii?'”
LA Brat: “There is too much traffic. If I wanted to sit in a parking lot, I’d be getting high before work.”
Optimist: “No better excuse to go ahead and buy that book… on tape! A good book read with a soothing voice makes me look forward to traffic.”
LA Brat: “Everyone is an aspiring actor.”
Optimist: “That’s what makes the dining experience so thrilling. Even your waiter has talent.”
LA Brat: “There is too much hippy bull shit.”
Optimist: “Exploring the likes of yoga, meditation, and holistic healing can calm the soul.”
LA Brat: “The valley is hot as a fat man’s junk sweating it out in a 4th of July spicy hot wing-eating contest.”
Optimist: “It’s a sauna purging impurities of the city and cleansing tinsel town. That’s why there is such a concentrated sector of porn production in the valley. It’s Miley’s crotch leotard getting sweat out of the city.”
LA Brat: “People don’t stand up at concerts.”
Optimist: “After a long week at work, take a load off!”
LA Brat: “There are too many hipsters. Too many beards. Too many ironic t-shirts.”
Optimist: “Who else would we make fun of for our own amusement? Can’t be the Jews, they run this town.”
LA Brat: “History here sucks, there are no cool wars.”
Optimist: “The city is rich in history if you have your anthropologist cap on.”
LA Brat: “The pizza tastes like cardboard and this vegan cheese sucks.”
Optimist: “Just another way the community is urging it’s members to be healthy. Fight obesity!”
LA Brat: “I miss seasons.”
Optimist: “What could be better than fall running directly into spring and visiting the winter in the mountains conveniently on the weekends?”
LA Brat: “People are too fake around here. No one really cares about your indie short.”
Optimist: “Shallow encouragement is better than no encouragement at all.”
LA Brat: “If you aren’t in ‘the industry,’ no one cares what you have to say.”
Optimist: “In that case you are practically a unicorn. Nothing in the industry is cooler than a unicorn.”
LA Brat: “No one is actually from LA.”
Optimist: “Again, unicorns.”
LA Brat: “People around here take healthy too seriously.”
Optimist: “A healthy community is better than one with gang violence.”
LA Brat: “But what about Compton?”
Optimist: “Gangs are a great Lord of the Flies study.”
LA Brat: “Even for you, that’s reaching.”
Optimist: “Success comes from many failures.”
LA Brat: “Go be a fortune cookie somewhere else. I’m not inviting you to get a taco off that truck.”
March 18, 2013 § Leave a comment
You know you’re a bachelorette when…
- Your main hobbies are men and bars.
- The mere sight of a wedding dress has you searching for a paper bag to breathe into.
- You call making out with a random guy “practice.”
- Your mom tries to hook you up constantly. She’s proactive in the quest for a son-in-law.
- Sometimes you go days without getting a call from anyone but your boss.
- The only things in your fridge are condiments and alcohol. The only thing in your freezer is ice cream.
- You have a bartender for every night of the week and are a regular at at least four places.
- People encourage you to get some sort of pet, a goldfish will lend an ear so they don’t have to.
- You prefer the term “sliver fox” to “older gentlemen.”
- The more expensive, shiny, and fast the car, the more likely you are to get in it.
- You go to the farmers market just to flirt with the flower vendor.
- You carry around a condom in your purse, just in case. For you or for a friend, free love for everyone.
- Every time you go to the store you buy a bottle of wine so you never have an “emergency.”
- Words of encouragement are often phrased, “it will happen when you least expect it,” and “there is some one out there just perfect for you, you just haven’t met him yet,” and accompanied by a sympathetic sigh and head tilt.
- The songs, “All the Single Ladies” and “No Scrubs” combined together would be your anthem.
- The term barfly just doesn’t do you justice.
- You still provoke arguments with your ex because, frankly, you like the banter.
- You’ll make excuses for excessive chest hair and lack of a personality if he’s paying for dinner and rumored to have large pleasure rod.
- You never see the inside of your apartment because you are either at work, at the gym, or at the bar.
- You broke down and paid the 30 dollars to get on Match.com, but by the 50th question you gave up. You don’t need a man THAT bad.
- Brunch is another word for gossip. You’ve got to keep your Rolodex updated on who’s gay or taken.
- You have a pair of heeled boots in your car. You never know what can come up before happy hour.
- You eat ramen noodles three times a week.
- You believe in the notion that everyone should get laid, but don’t take on charity cases yourself.
- You go into perky-chest mode when around groups of men.
- You become adept at checking your appearance in any reflective surface.
- You think your “number” is under 20, but you cannot actually recall all of them.
- You give your dates a height requirement.
- You aren’t afraid to throw a punch or kick some nuts. A girl’s got to protect herself.
- You are concerned that you’re getting too dependent on your vibrator.
- In retaliation of your most recent rejection, you give out his number to random guys at the bar. Wish you could see his face when he gets those texts!
- You can’t manage to save money because you exercise too much retail therapy.
- You might admit to spending too much time crafting the perfect Facebook Profile Picture.
- Somehow you always have a piece of chocolate on reserve somewhere in your apartment.
- You think pregnant women are smug, married people are bitter, newlyweds are stupid and engaged people should just shut the hell up.
- You never kiss and tell. Unless someone asks twice.
- Everyone you meet has a really great guy for you, that’s just your type (even though you swear up and down that you don’t have a type).
- You refuse to believe that you will meet your soulmate at a bar or on the internet, yet those are the places you most frequently look for men.
- Motorcycles and musicians are attainable fantasies that can last anywhere from one night to a few weeks.
- Dinner may be too much of a commitment.
- Your mother has given up hope on having grandchildren so she’s sponsoring five kids in Africa.
- You think life is too short to date a balding man.
- You’ll have a conversation with anyone if they will buy you a drink.
- The “shoe pile” in your closet starts to resemble Everest.
- You have no shame in Googleing a guy on your phone right in front of him moments after meeting. Weeding out false advertising from the get go is essential.
- One of your holiest guilty pleasures is watching The Bachelor/The Bachelorette just to reaffirm that you aren’t THAT desperate.
- You may have burned several prized possessions of your ex, but his lawyers really can’t prove anything.
- You give prospective boyfriend types nicknames and pair them up like boxers; Tall Musician vs. Karate Kid, Ginger Haired Bartender vs. Future Husband, Mr. Blue Eyes vs. Italian UPS Stallion, Tattoo Boy vs. 9er… and so on.
- You think that if a guy looks good on paper he’s probably bad in bed, and you learned this from your online dating experience. Whoops.
- If you start referring to your pet or any inanimate object as your boyfriend.