XO Jane Article

October 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Raise a glass! Just got an article published on xojane.com.

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Hope you enjoy the fodder. Please leave a comment if you want!
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Shameless Plugs

November 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

I know most of you are out voting for Roseanne Barr. She would be the funniest person in office since Clinton. I wonder if she stills has that ugly blanket every family in the midwest’s grandma knitted for them? It would be a great addition to the white house decor. Just like this election, a joke. Oh… it’s not a joke? That was the real ballot, and that last debate wasn’t scripted… it’s going to be a long 4 years.

Most of us just want to get this over with so the political propaganda will stop circling on facebook. You got to ask yourself if things are real before you repost… I mean Photoshop is a real thing and just because it’s all in a pretty JPEG and going viral doesn’t mean that it has any truth to it. Use your noodle. Study up on your state’s props and your county’s measures and bring an old fashioned cheat sheet to the polls. No one can pass you the answers to this quiz.

And ENOUGH with the paragraphs of political rants! Save it for watering hole. No one likes to get into arguments about politics more than stool warmers at a pub. Talk to someone who will really listen to your bull shit and properly throw it back in your face.

Today is a day of politics and shameless plugs. While everyone else out there in America it shoving their personal beliefs down your newsfeed, I’m going to shove something better. With the help of some very talented people who didn’t know better and let me boss them around for a while, my website whyugotdumped.com has been revived. And what’s even more awesome than that is the video sketch that I wrote went up yesterday.

While everyone else wants you to pay attention to political propaganda, I’m just asking you to watch and laugh. Enjoy.

I’m a Jerk x2

March 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m rerunning this post. I first ran it when I was a jerk a couple months ago. And now I’m a jerk again. I promise something fresh next week. Maybe something fresh with each other. I’m pretty sure they are updating the site that’s linked below. And if it’s down permanently… than I lost my job.

Oh and comment if you think I should adapt this blog into a manuscript… cause that’s the next step… I’m really horrible with self-marketing.

Well, I’m more of a jerk because I’ve been being a jerk somewhere else and I have run out of time to be a jerk here. Does that make sense? Well, although I have yet to be given proper credit for it, I’ll show you where I’ve been moonlighting. Below are two links to the new online publication I am writing for. They have told me I can’t post my own writing on my own blog so I have to redirect you to the posts on the site.

Things-Girls-Do-to-be-Sexy-But-Really-Arent

This is where I talk more about how much duck face is hurting my gender and other things girls should stop doing.

Signs You Should Move in Together

In this on I discuss how annoying it is to be in that habitat limbo of a committed relationship.

So there’s a redirect this week. Sorry, but you get double the smut somewhere else so don’t be belly aching there’s one more step. I’ll have something original for my smarty snatches next week.

Oh and while I’m giving you content did you check out the Why U Got Dumped video this week? Why Boys Get Dumped

The Trifecta of the Charming Man

January 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m on the short list… that means someone else thinks I’m a sort-of good enough writer other than me and my mom.

Please read it by clicking the link below.

The Trifecta of the Charming Man.

False Love.

March 2, 2011 § 2 Comments

How DO you know it’s true love and not false love? There is a more than enough written, sung, and produced about true love, but no one really can give a definition. Even our most reliable internet source, Wikipedia, doesn’t define true love in real terms, but rather lists film, literature, and music by which it was titled after and then sites a whaler/cargo ship constructed in 1764. The only written meaning I’ve found is, True Love: something girls feel when they have drank too much and something guys fear. Thanks, Urban Dictionary for the attempt.

To make the subject even more confusing, a lot of quacks say (myself included) there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Then there is the addendum to this by saying you can fall out of love with someone you are in love with. Also, some people have been known to announce a disclaimer: there is more than one true love for everyone. This sort-of negates any outlandish statements professed in previous relationships that turned sour and gives divorcées hope. Hey, guys! Let’s make up our minds already! Love… true or false?

Like the Swedish duo, Roxette, proclaimed with help of everyone’s favorite romantic comedy, it must have been love, but it’s over now. I too, like Pretty Woman, thought that my life was ending and that true love doesn’t exist. About a year and a half ago, the manboy I had convinced myself I was going to marry, broke up with me after growing some balls at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

I say grew some balls, because for a long time it must have been false love and we lost it somehow. We were like two puzzle pieces being forced to fit, finger nails turning white as you press them together, the kitten’s whiskers looking more like talons of an eagle. It was neither pretty nor easy. I was the one who was saying, “This totally fits together, looks just like the picture on the box.” But after seeing to The Boss on a different ocean, he stood up to me and said, “I’ve never seen a kitten like that, there is something seriously wrong with it.” Well, actually he didn’t stand up and say anything at all, not to my face anyway. Like an average Gen-Yer he used his text and composed it on an airplane then waited a little too long to give it to me. True love wouldn’t dream of breaking up with me like that, well… true love woudn’t break up with me at all. Spot on, it was false love, so I’ll spare myself the how and the why.

I can’t say that my outlook has changed a whole lot since then. I think I’ve experienced mostly false love in my time and I’m not so sure true love even exists. I’ve done some soul searching on the subject and it seems since adolescence I’ve had a pretty grim outlook on romance. I quote from my 2001 high school journal for Creative Writing class, “I hate Valentine’s Day, I don’t even want to get started on Sweetest Day. I don’t think you need a holiday to tell someone you love them. I don’t believe in anniversaries, 6 weeks, 4 months or 12 years. A relationship develops over time, and over time relationships fall apart. People fall in love with titles and statuses instead of other people. It’s sad really.”  Wow, if seventeen year-old me could have talked to 24 year-old me, I might not have had my soul spit on when Mr. Wrong-Way-on A-One-Way-Track crushed my future wedding bells. Makes me wonder what other notes my past self might have been trying to leave for my future self.

Maybe true love is real, it just looks a little fake at first, like Cher from Clueless. Even a girl with her closet could realize the truth in the end. Maybe true love is exciting, shocking, yet weird and a little gross, like getting your first period. You’ve been warned and you wait for it… you wait for it. You imagine what it would be like, a glamorized womanhood in your head. There have been a couple a false alarms, some spotting and you just want the waiting to be over. Then when you least expect it, on an unassuming bathroom break after homeroom, you look down and know for certain: this must be it, there is no mistaking this. Thankfully, you’re prepared with the proper gear to take care of business, but you’ve never really done this before so you follow your instincts, worrying about every little thing. And you’re so flustered you tuck your skirt into your tights as you wander back to class hoping to run into someone you trust so you can tell them what’s going on in your panties.

Sounds pretty close to what my married friends say walking down the aisle feels like. So maybe I’m a late bloomer, I just haven’t gotten mine yet. Maybe true love is just as confusing as puberty.

Wine Lips

February 28, 2011 § Leave a comment

It doesn’t matter if it’s one glass or four, I get the wine lips. Since my apartment is pretty much the place where wine goes to die, I looked into the prevention of this reaction. We all know, wine isn’t the most hydrating refreshment on the market. I’m generally a dry person… dry skin, dry humor, dry gin. That’s not true, I hate gin.  My lips will start cracking on my second glass of vino and it’s all down hill from there. Involuntary lip rouge.

But why, wine, why do this to your loyal companion? The truth is, the very thing that embodies the taste, is the same thing that stains the lips, just like cooking with butter. Tannins are the natural compounds in wine, coming from the grape itself and the barrels wine is matured in. Tannins will also turn your mouth purple. They are an excellent antioxidant and natural preservative. They are also responsible for giving the wine structured flavor, taking your mouth on a dimensional journey through happiness.

So what’s the fix for a wine mouth? Vaseline or flavorless lip balm. You can also try to drink wine with a low tannin content: young wines, Merlot, or Pinot Noirs, and avoid the high tannin content of Cabernet Sauvignon or Shiraz. Either that or drinking so much you just don’t care. That’s what I usually do, since Shiraz is my number one drink of choice. If you’re going to be a wine-o, you’ll have to deal with residual wine lips anyway.

***I hope you enjoyed the first addition of the Monday Mind Morsel, a little education, a little something to think about as we enter another week as modern ladies. CHEERS!

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